Maria Mena has a ridiculously beautiful voice. Reminds me of crystal, or glass. I'm not sure why. But she has this song, Miss You Love, and it reminds me all to much of that boy I was talking about in entry 27. He's on my mind a lot lately. I saw him once more after that entry, and then a third time tonigt at a party. Seeing him so often again, and so randomly, must mean something right? But I'm not talking about that yet. I really wanna put the lyrics to Miss You Love up here. It's a song about that frustrating, heartbreaking time when you can't remember why you broke up with someone in the first place. Only now, they're not around for you to take it back. Oh, yeah. I know how she feels... I've run out of complicated theories, so now I'm taking back my words and I'm preparing for the breakdown. Your t-shirts lost the smell of you, and the bathroom's still a mess. Remind me why we decided this was for the best. Because I miss you love. I miss you love. I miss you love. I miss you... love. I know the distance is a factor but I stretch as often as I can. My goal's to reach your hands anyday now. Please don't blame me for trying to fix this one last time. I have a hard time as it is. Because I miss you love. I miss you love. I miss you love. I miss you... love. Don't act like you don't know me. It's still me, I've never changed. I'll be here when you come back. And I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love I miss you love I miss you... love So simple and beautiful, yeah?

Call, I'm Desperate For Your Voice. I'm so torn up, it's not even funny. I'm physically hurting. Everyone around me is letting me down. "And I'm tired of being all alone." I want to scream and cry til my lungs collapse all together. I'm utterly sick of myself and everyone around me. This happens all too much. It's an all too familiar feeling. No one makes me happy anymore. All I do is listen, and try to say the right thing. I usually fail. But I'm always here, always listening to their problems. Nodding, consoling. When is it my turn? I think I need to be nodded at. I need to be consoled. My hands are shaking really hard. I just need someone. Anyone. Soneone to hold my hand and tell me everything's okay. And I want to believe them. I don't want to feel like they're saying it to shut me up. Or because they just don't understand what I'm saying. I want to feel something real. I hate feeling like I'm so perfect for someone, only to have it go unnoticed. I always feel like I'm jumping up and down, waving my arms in the air, and I'm never noticed. What more should I do? What more can i do? I feel so helpless, it's not even funny. I'm so fucking hard on myself. I'm always the ugly one. I never get the guy in the end. I never know what to say to make them stick around. I feel like I put myself in the same position all the time - Spotlight's on me, and I choke. I ruin it with a single remark. I never know how to show how I feel. Possibly because I don't know how I feel. I want someone to go out of their way to get to know me. Really, really know me. I'm scared to go back to school. What if they don't like me as much as they did last year? What if I'm not as pretty as they remember? Not as funny? Not as cool? Not... anything. Courtney Burgess, junior year: EPIC FAIL. And yeah I don't give a shit about my full name being there. You wouldn't stalk me anyway, right? I just don't know what to feel. I'm so painfullly alone, it seems. I can be in a room of 1000 people, and I'll feel alone. Standing next to my best friends, I feel like nothing. Sarah's the daring crazy athletic-looking hot one. Amber's the wierd, yet beautiful one. Nichole's the witty, trendy, gorgeous European looking one. Matty's the token HOT gay guy, who just so happens to have a million and three friends. Courtney's the.... sidekick. Always the sidekick. Just left of accepted. I just want to get really fucked up. Get fucked up, and make mistakes. I don't want to think about anything past the now. Just Drink, Smoke, Fuck, and Forget.

Cuz I'm bored and don't wanna think about things... Shuffle your songs on your iPod. Then answer the question with the song title. No matter how stupid it sounds. 1. What's a weird phrase you like to say? All We Ever Needed (The Early November) 2. What's your life like? Do That There (Lyrics Born) 3. What's something you've never said? Ah Oui Comme Ça (Chromeo) ...Well, it's true. 4. What do you do at parties and stuff like that? Time To Pretend (MGMT) ...Good one 5. What's your love life like? Relax (Frankie Goes To Holllywood) ...HAHAHA 6. What'll be your wedding song? Cut! Print It (The Starting Line) ...I don't think I want my wedding song to be about closure. 7. Your honeymoon song? Baby's Romance (Chris Garneau) ...And I don't think I want my honeymoon song to be about the sexual molestation of a little boy. 8. Your best friend's theme song: Stokholm Syndrome (Blink 182) ...No. It's more like me, actually. 9. Your theme song: Maps (Yeah Yeah Yeahs) ...Yeah, this works. 10. Your parents' theme song: The Call Out [You Are The Dishes] (Hit The Lights) ...Haha wtf no. 11. Your rocking out song: Ode To Kevin Arnold (Ludo) ...nope 12. The song you have on your iPod but can't stand to listen to: Luca (Brand New) ...I LOVE Brand New. So, no. Not at all. 13. The song that gets stuck in your head easily: Monument (A Day To Remember) ...Yeah, pretty much. 14. Your next boyfriend/girlfriend's theme: The Tension And The Terror (Straylight Run) ... (: Aw 15. The song for when you're about to do something stupid: Come Back (The Early November) ...No, so cute though

This Very Moment by Set Your Goals. Mutiny! by Set Your Goals. Mhm. I suck at goodbyes. Probably because I've never had to really do one before. But today I do. And I'm being classic Courtney. Instead of facing my issues, I ignore them. i.e. instead of dealing with the fact that my friend is leaving for college in two days, I'm just pretending that she's not. Wtf why am I so fucking wierd like that? Like I'm reluctant to hang out with her tonight because I don't want to cry in front of her and I don't want it to be awkward and sad. I was really close to not texting her at all to make plans. Why the fuck am I such a shitty person? I have the most ridiculous insecurities. I did the same thing when my grandma died in March. My parents were at the hospital with her and I was home sick. I was AVOIDING THE PHONE and ignoring their calls when they were fucking calling me to say goodbye to her. Wtf? Courtney, WTF? This is ridiculous. I've known Kait since I was like 7. Why am I being so fucking shitty? LameLameLameLame. I'm fucking lame. I don't understand why I do things. At all. If I were to trade places with someone for a bit and just listen to myself try to explain why I act like this, I'd think they needed medication. Or that they were just an asshole. Maybe I'm just an asshole. I don't want to say bye. I don't even know how to do that! And she's SO SAD. She's going to cry when she says bye to me. Which will make this incredibly hard. Ugh. So fucked up. So lame. This definately won't make sense to anyone. But it's okay, because it doesn't make sense to me either. Much like everything else that runs through my head. I just wish I was... idk, a decent human? Normal, maybe? I think I'm a shitty friend too. Not just a shitty human. A shitty friend. Which is even worse. But anyway. I'm a shitty friend. When my friends have issues, I never know what to say. I never know the right advice to give. I always feel like a hypocrite. But I can't tell them to hide under their beds and wait for it to go away. They wouldn't do it anyway. That's just me. I don't know. I just really don't know.

Joshua Radin has an amazing ability to make everything beautiful. Put his music in the background of anything. It never fails. Listen to What If You and Star Mile. So there's nothing big happening, but it feels like there is. It's a strange feeling. On myspace, I found this folk singer from Austrailia. He randomly messaged me a little while ago in response to a bulliten I posted about a local band (that I adored btw) that broke up. "Would it make you feel better if I wrote you a song?" ...Awwwwwwww, Right? Well no. I found it confusing. I shouldn't be thinking so much about this, but that's my specialty. Overthinking. I see this in a few ways. First, it was almost a let down. If someone were to write a song for me, I'd want them to really know me. The way I invision it, the song would be about the things he sees in me that others, or maybe even I, don't see. My habits that he finds cute. Or annoying. Or funny. Or wierd. ANYTHING. This Dante guy can't do that. Next, I was like "So what am I, fan #576? How many other girls on his friends list has gotten 'their own song'?" I'm so far from good with being one in a crowd. I've had far to many people (I'm clearly only talking about guys. I just feel too immature/petty/ridiculous saying that hahaha) say pretty things to me that they are really saying to 4,000 other girls. This little situation means nothing to me. It's what it represents in my life that's bothering me. I just want to be someone's only one. I saw a boy the other day. He was an old friend. An old best friend, and an old boyfriend. I wish he was still a best friend. I wish he was still a boyfriend. Sure, we were together when we were too young for it to even count. Sure, it was a long time ago. But no matter what, I'll always wish I still had him. The epitomy of boy next door. The only one my parents ever liked. Loved, actually. They still ask about him. After all the boys after him, he still sticks out in my mind as the sweetest. The only one who meant what he said. I'm still friends with him, and we've occasionally found ourselves flirting. But it's nothing like how it used to be. My one wish is to have a second chance with him. My one do-over would be to stay with him. The one thing I want right now is to sit and talk with him. Catch up. Get an idea of how he feels about this. About me. I'm rambling. But no matter what, I'll always miss him. And he'll always be in the back of my mind. I wonder if I'm ever on his. Oh for fuck's sake. I'm crying.

1. Choose a band/artist and answer ONLY in titles of their songs: Ludo 2. Are you male or female: Laundry Girl 3. Describe yourself: Hello, My Name Is Your TV 4. How do some people feel about you: Saturday Night Thunderbolt 5. How do you feel about yourself: Broken Bride 6. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: Scream, Scream, Scream 7. Describe a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse: The Horror Of Our Love 8. Describe where you want to be: In Space 9. Describe how you live: Drunken Lament 10. Describe how you love: Love Me Dead 11. What would you ask for if you had just one wish: Save Our City 12. Share a few words of Wisdom: Tonight's The Night 13. Now say goodbye: Such As It Ends I completely forgot to mention that I met 3/5 of Ludo at Warped. I met Andrew Volpe right after their set - he led an idiot parade to their merch tent, complete with a band leader's hat and a boombox blaring marching band music. Later, I saw Tim Convy and Tim Ferrell just walking around. I chased them down and confessed my undying love. Convy laughed, shook my hand and introduced himself formally. They both thanked me profusely for my support, and then signed my poster. Amazing dudes. All three of them. I love them so much more because of how cool they were. Most def seeing them, and meeting them again. Night

ForeverInMotion www.myspace.com/foreverinmotion I don't even want to try to describe it. It's something so beautiful, you don't even want to touch it. I started recounting every detail of my morning. Every feeling I felt. But I couldn't do it. As sad as I am to say, the feelings are already gone. My words felt lame typed out. Just believe me when I say that the world is a blindingly beautiful place at 5:00am. Beautiful enough to bring tears to your eyes.