i hate her. so fucking much. im starting to hate you too. this whole thing is so fucking stupid. i hope you know your making the wrong choice. ive been with you through everything. ive accepted you for everything. and for what? for you to throw it all away? ive forgiven you for all the things you've said to me. this time it really hurt. i want you back, and ill always love you. ill always be waiting, and you're already gone. this whole thing makes me sick to my stomach this whole thing has gone way byond emotional i dont get why youre doing this to me. what can i do? what have i done.. i shouldnt have taken things out on you when things were bad in my life you were only trying to help. i didnt know how to relieve stress any other way. i didnt mean to yell. i didnt realize what i was doing to you. this is all my fault. you confuse me. one minute you love me, and dont want anyone else but me. the next minute your with her, holding her, kissing her. not me. then you say the what happend with her made you realize you only want me was that a lie? i guess it was. was everything a lie? ive given you so much. ive told you everything about me. ive told you things i havnt told anyone before. i completly trusted you. and you hurt me..i thought you were diffrent. i thought you'd love me no matter what. this is why i didnt want to get in a relationship. this is why i dont let anyone get close to me. this is exactly why i dont trust anyone. i was so stupid to think you actually cared. i was so stupid to think you ever loved me. i was so stupid to think anyone could love me for who iam. i could only imagine what your doing with her right now. you make me sick. i cant stop thinking about you. i just want this to end. i even remeber telling you before we started dating that i didnt want to get hurt. i dont want to fall in love. i dont want to get attached. because i know everyone leaves. thats all everyone has done to me all my life. you said you'd never leave because you love me so much. i was right. everyone leaves.

IM TIRED OF THIS WORLD OF APPEARANCES. from what only looks like generosity what only looks like love. -- all god does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. we must never, ever be boring. -- your birth is a mistake you'll spend the rest of your life trying to correct.

When did the future switch from being a promise to a threat? -- When we dont know who to hate, we hate ourselves. -- The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person. -- Hysteria is impossible without an audience. Panicking by yourself is the same as laughing alone in an empty room. -- Nothing of me is orginal. Iam the combine effort of everybody ive ever known.

i find this completly hillarious, [even though its not about me]: i hate living like this, truely, i do. i hate putting up with so much with someone i hate how im always someones shoulder but yet, i get nothing in return. im sick and tired of being the nice girl.. and everyone basically uses me cause im so nice and i cant say no.. well guess what, NO! im fedd up with everyone trying to get me to say yes, next time you ask for something its gonna be no. im tired of being so fucking bloody nice. BECAUSE shes never been there for me, or anyone else. in these past two weeks, where ive felt my worst, she hasnt once asked me whats wrong. all she cares about is herself. when i had problems with my boyfriend, and i told her how i was feeling, and i was CLEARLY upset, all she could say was, "AT LEAST YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND." everything has to be about her. everything has to be 'poor amanda' im fucking sick of this. im fucking sick of her, and so is everyone else.

knowing how much you still cared about the person, and not being able to understand how they seemed to care so little in return. they had already checked out of the relationship mentally when you were still as in love with them as you ever were. also, you get so used to being with the person, for years, and being together is as unconditional as the time of day. when that changes, you can begin to doubt just about everything. a lack of hope. No matter how much you want to change the situation, fix things, convince them, you know how futile it all is. You begin to miss the comfort that had been formed between you and your sig. other. You miss certain aspects of the relationship that can't be established with someone else.

i said im sorry i said i made a mistake all i can do is admit what ive done wrong to you, and change. your being so heartless its hurts knowing you already like someone else and that you'll probably get together.. it hurts even more knowing you can get over me so fast, after 14 months.. weve been through so much together. i regret ending it with you, i wish we couldve tried. you say you still love me, and always will. you say you want to try in the future. i feel your saying that to get me to stay here, waiting. and you know ill always be here waiting. this isnt fair.

im fucking sick of this. im sick of being alone. im sick of feeling so empty. im sick of being myself, and someone im not. im sick of feeling like iam not good enough. im sick of trying. im sick of pretending im fine when im not. im sick of not being with you. im sick of her, and how fucking lucky she is. im sick of how you treat her better than me. im sick of how you treat EVERYONE better than me. im sick of being so fucking jealous. im sick of how much you smile when you talk to her. im sick of how you cant treat me like i matter. im sick of being ignored by you. im sick of you constantly throwing everything in my face. im sick of feeling like shit about myself. im sick of being/looking 'depressed' when im around you. im sick of all this stupid shit thats going on. im sick of being confused. im sick of being used. im sick of all these fucking feelings i get. im sick of all these thoughts in my head. im sick of crying at night. im sick of being so pissed off all the time im sick of hating myself for this. im sick of loving you, i just want these feelings to stop. im sick of missing you im sick of waiting for you. im sick of getting my 'hopes' up. im sick of knowing nothing will change. im sick of trying to talk to you. im sick of having no one to talk to. im sick of not having anyone who understands. im sick of keeping these feeling inside. im sick of life.

i need to change. nothings getting better. i miss us.

we broke up yesturday. one year, two months and 4 days. i hate crying all night. in the morning it feels like all my eyelashes have been pulled out.

ugh right now i feel a strong urge to just DRINK and SMOKE WEED. I mean i want to get TOTALLY BAKED and DRUNK. or maybe just get really fucking baked. cant wait, getting paid tomorrrow. goodbye mary, goodbye jane. will we ever, meet again?