I'm never going to have the same mother again. She's stumbling around, drunk on her own tears. I want to kick something when I think about the millions of vile, evil, disgusting people out there walking around unharmed, while people like my mum and my grandma and Maureen have to cope with horrendous blow after horrendous blow. Things are FUCKED UP. I can't think of any other way to say it. She has two perfect children who she'll never see grown up. She's intelligent, absolutely lovely, my (admittedly) favourite auntie... Nobody deserves a long, perfect life more than her. And if God is real, which I highly doubt he is, he is a fucking SADIST. Why kill her, why kill Richard, why kill Brian when there are so, so many other people out there that deserve "Hell" more than she deserves "Heaven"? I... can't think straight anymore. Six weeks ago everything was fine, and now I have an amazing aunt contemplating suicide to escape the hideous cancer spreading through her. I hate to say it but it's true. I wish I had no emotion. Not even love. Life would be so much easier if nobody gave a shit about anyone else, and didn't give a shit about NOT giving a shit. I need sleep.

I started on the Pill today. No more horrific tummy cramps for meee, hopefully! And no more condoms, which is a mega bonus. I'm filling my Dad's unused mp3 player with Robert Plant, Beach Boys, Bob Marley, etc to give to my Aunt. She's in a hospice now. Her kids, my cousins, stayed over last night. I hope I was fun for them to be with - they need all the distractions they can get at the moment. When they left this morning, Fede almost cried. I could just see it in his face that he didn't want to have to go back to their house, without their mother and with only an incredibly stressed father for company. Francesca and Michelle are coming to Thorpe Park with Dad and I tomorrow, though... Hopefully that'll be fun. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be such a jerk, I'm in such a strange mood. I wish I was with you now, so I could apologise to your face, and stop you crying. Because I've been so stupid tonight. I really am sorry, I just get a bit tired of being the bad guy all the time. Please don't stop talking to me about your problems, or at all. I can't even say how thankful I am that you haven't finished with me after how I acted. I'm nothing without you. I hope you can forgive me eventually. I love you so much, I miss your laugh, your smile, your body against mine, your smell, your blue-brown eyes, holding your hand. Night."