Today has been such a messed up day. It's all down to the raging hormones, I'm sure. Up until a few hours everything was great - German Listening was fine, felt like taking the dog for a walk, almost skipped down the street dressed like a total eccentric. Xavi didn't mention Fred's to me, but that wasn't important. And then... and then it just changed. One conversation with mum and everything's bleak again. I'm crying for no reason - it's those quiet kind of tears, the controlled ones that don't make your face contort but still burn tracks down your cheeks. I miss my Xavi and I want him here because nothing is anything without him and every night he's light years away and he's the only person who has the power to control my erratic mood swings in one swift move but he's always the one that can never be here. Everything's helpless tonight, I have nothing to look forward to, I miss Andrew, I just want the biggest hug from Katie, I've barely spoken to Ruth for a week and now my crying isn't controlled anymore because I'm sobbing. If my life was a movie, in a minute something magnificent would swoop in through my bedroom window and sort out all of my emotional fuck-ups and everything would be a happy ending - but life's a bitch and everybody is emotionally fucked up. Get me out of here.

When I'm left on my own Talk to myself til I get home Call your phone, just to hear you And I know you'd hear me too And I know that it hurts cause I miss you And I know, I know You won't miss me too

Possible (truthful) status updates: Melissa... Has been waiting for hours now. Doesn't feel anything positive towards him tonight. Doesn't care about her family holiday. Can't get over her stupid trich problem. Wants to cry but doesn't have the energy. Needs something to look forward to. Wishes she had just one constant in her life. Can't stop listing all the things wrong with him. Can't stop second guessing everything. Almost cried at the lyrics to his song. Just cried.

What is it about my boyfriend having a close female friend that bothers me? I guess it isn't that in particular that annoys me - it's more the girl herself. Maybe I'm biased because I'm slightly possessive and like to have him all to myself - but it just seems like she isn't a nice person. Even her friends say she's selfish. She can't talk to him like she talks to any other of her friends: she has to have him all to herself. For example today - instead of just talking to him about something where they are, like everyone else does, they always have to go for a 'walk' by themselves to talk about it. Of course I don't ask what it is they talk about, because I already know it's mainly her wanting to whine about whatever guy she's 'into' at that particular moment in time. But why do they need to be so secretive? They insist they see each other more as 'brother and sister' than 'boy and girl', but it really doesn't seem like that. At Tom's house a few months ago, I disappeared to the park next door for some breathing space, and there was a part of me that hoped Xavi would turn up at some point. After an hour, I was slightly disapointed he hadn't come to find me but not bothered - until I walked back into the summerhouse to see him sitting in a chair with Amelia draped across his lap. I know they weren't doing anything - God no - but doesn't that just seem...wrong? And later that night, I got all ill from the excessive vodka and Xavi was looking after me. I was nearly unconscious, but I distinctly remember through the haze, Amelia coming upstairs and whining, "Xavi, can we go for a walk?". How fucking self-involved is she? I was leaning out of a window half naked with tears streaming down my face, he was the only person with me and she had the nerve to try and whisk him away so she could whinge about the last idiot she'd fucked. I know this all sounds so petty, but it just happens every time she comes to any social thing. I lose him for an hour, ask someone if they've seen him and the answer 99% of the time is, "He went for a walk with Amelia." And no, you can't sit there and judge me and think 'what a paranoid idiot'. He CHEATED ON ME. With another girl that he has a history with. I have reasons to care about these things. This is possibly the shoddiest entry I've ever written. I know the sentences don't make much sens and don't fit together properley, but I don't care. I'm fucking irritated with that girl and, because I'm such a bloody tolerant person, this is the only place I can dare to vent my anger. AAARGH.

I have a ticket to Green Day! 23rd October, 02 Arena, I'll be there to help kick off their UK tour. 5 years ago I was absolutely OBSESSED with Green Day - even now, I still remember that Billie Joe's birthday is February 17th, that Tre used to go to clown college, that Mike owns his own diner...Many, many useful little nuggets of trivia that don't mean anything to most people. American Idiot used to rule my life - I'd listen to nothing but them. I received American Idiot for Christmas 2004, and by June 2005 I was at Milton Keynes, singing my heart out at my first proper gig. I can't even begin to describe how much they mean to me - they got me through the shittiness of year 7, and every song I listen to by them just makes me feel something. I don't even know what the something is, but...it just gives me a lift, y'know? Just like my favourite songs make me feel like I could conquer the world, so does Green Day's entire back catalogue. And it's for these reasons I'm so nervous about May 15th - what if the album's a disappointment? What if, over the past 5 years, I've built my expectations too high? I doubt that's the case, though: 4.5 out of 5 from Rolling Stone, declared a 'masterpiece' by the Culture magazine, it can't fail...