It's 2 o'clock and all I've eaten today is some pasta salad. For me, that is NOTHING. Seriously. I woke up this morning and had a shower, then stumbled into Mum & Dad's room, asked if I could stay home and burst into tears because it hurt so much to talk. At least I finished my Crucible and Postsecret essays...MASSIVE relief. Mum's lost trust in me but we'll gt over it and she hasn't told Dad. I don't know whether she will or not. Hopefully it'll have cooled down a bit when I get back from America. Anyone here live in Bethel, Maine? BE THERE, hah. It's so weird, I just finished re-reading The Tenth Circle by Jodie Picoult and realised the whole novel's set in the same town I'm staying. Spooky.

I am such a fucking idiot. How did I ever think it was a good idea? Now my parents won't trust me and I can't go out at weekends and everyone's disappointed in me. It's a stupid, stupid phase that gave me cheap thrills not worth the risk. Like Emma said - I'm meant to be the one with morals, the one who points out and tries to help her friends going off the rails and being stupid. How much of a fucking hypocrite am I? I hope it settles down like Annie said. Do I tell Xavi? I care about what he thinks of me more than anyone else besides my parents. He comforted me when I was down because of Emma going off the rails, and now I've done the exact same thing. I'm meant to be the GOOD GIRL, and now I'm on lunchtime report from going to the fucking supermarket and my parents don't trust me. My eyes hurt from crying and this throat infection's got worse. It wasn't worth it. I just want to crawl under my covers and wait for the storm to pass.

Seeing as today is Postsecret updates day, here are a few of my own: Every time I think of what you did to me last night, I cheer up. Every time I think of the name that flashed onto your mobile this morning, I want to punch something. Mainly you. I'm wearing slutty underwear and it's comfier than BRIEFS. My best friend doesn't grasp the importance of her own situation and I hate her for her ignorance. I'm a size bigger than most of my friends and I reckon I'm the most comfortable with myself naked than the majority of them.

First things first, before I forget - Joshua Radin was AMAZING. Ten times better than even I'd hoped. His voice is usually all breathy and kind of weak on his records but live, man is it powerful. One song that keeps popping into my head, funnily enough, is 'You got growin' up to do'. The "funnily enough" part was because it is (or WAS) one of my least favourite songs of his. But anyway. He introduced one song by talking about how he epically fails at choosing girls; how he always falls for the ones that cry all the time and carry around books of poetry in their purses. He warned all the women that may cry at the next song to shield their faces, else he may come on to them after the show, hah. It was 'Closer' he was introducing and I almost did cry. On the 1 1/2 hour car journey home, Kim fell asleep on me, I curled up to Xavi, and he dozed off leaning on the car door. It was a lovely evening. Also, the weather's been insane for the past week. Anyone who knows England will surely be aware of how changeable our weather is - that's mainly why it's such a popular topic in small talk. So 3 weeks ago it was snowing so much the trains were all cancelled; and yesterday, I spent the entire day in a cotton skirt with bare legs and sandals. Emma may or may not be picking herself up and dusting herself off, and I really hope she is. Xavi & I got less than an hour to ourselves yesterday, but he made it worth the wait. Last Saturday was Amelia & Izzy's party, and I don't think I've danced so crazily since I was little. I danced with Sam, Henry, Ruth, Julian, Tabby, Suzi, Kit, Max...So many more than I usually would. Xavi & I both fell asleep on his sofa afterwards, during Grey's Anatomy, and didn't wake up for another 3 hours. GCSEs are looming. I have a few weeks until the ski trip (!), then after I come back it's only a matter of days until my first exam. I don't think I've prepared enough. But hey, at least I now have my oral questions completed and my DT product on its way to completion. THINK POSITIVE. It seems to be helping.

I love this 'Guess the lyrics' craze that's going around Facebook. As much as I hate to admit it, it makes me feel slightly smug because there haven't been any so far that I haven't managed to guess at least one. Well, this IS International Honesty Day, so I thought I'd tell the truth. Just kidding, it isn't really International Honesty Day. It's Tibetan National Uprising Day. :D

I just painted my nails and am now itching to get on guitar and make a video...But I can't cause of the stupid drying-ness D: Skins is on in an hour - JJ's episode! My favourite characters are Pandora and Naomi but I'm pretty sure after tonight, JJ's going to be replacing one of them. I love him so much, he's a ledge :D Skins is the only programme I actually follow weekly, it's awesome. This is an incredibly boring post. When did your heart go missing?

'Goodnight, I still miss you. I have to see you this weekend, I don't care if you don't want to come into town! I love you, because you're intelligent, pretty & pretty much perfect. PLUS you think there's something about me too (:'

Dear Various People In My Life, You #1: Be there for me. Talk to me. Tell me things that make up for the shittiness that is everything else in my life at the moment. You #2: STOP talking about him. You're boring us all. Don't think you have a moral highground just because you're at it like rabbits. You #3: Realise it's your life you're messing up and it's IMPORTANT. Stop worrying about getting laid and high & stay being Lovely You, because that's the you I love to bits. You #4: Ummm...There is no #4. There are only 3 people I'm thinking about tonight so that's pretty much all I have to say. I'll never ask for anyone but you.

I can't stand this disappointed feeling. I'm sat on the sidelines as everyone changes before I have a chance to stop them. I've given up yelling, waving, trying to get their attention. The only people that seem to be constantly beside me right now are Xavi and Nonie. I hope this is just a bad day but really, there isn't much hope. Ruth only needs Julian and Dani now, Emma only needs herself, Annie needs Bill but she can't have him anymore. Nonie needs her family, Jazz needs her mum, Maria needs her books, Lolz needs her corner in the form room, Xavi seems to need me sometimes but I can never depend on that. Who the fuck do I count on? Who's always there no matter what? I never see Kim, Laura's buggering off to Keele every chance she gets, and it's not like I can chat to my parents about whether I should go on the Pill. He's gone to bed now, and I don't know why I wish it were mine so much, because if he was falling asleep next to me there's no way in hell I'd fall asleep. As he told me in my song, I'd rather take the pain of sore eyes. Let's take the dark and make it our own It'll be just ours, it'll be our home. Please don't be scared, I'm right here I swear Holding your hand - stop talking 'cause I know. And your touch might save me And although it might break me, I Take pride in this internal war, and I'd Take sides in a million more, just to See you look at me and smile, and it Makes it all worthwhile. And my eyes Have never been this sore Staying up all night And the night before With you in my bed Keeping me awake But it'll take it 'cause it's the Best kind of pain.