i sortakindamaybeactuallydidnt talked to j.c. today. i talked more than usual days, and kind of in his direction, but not just with him. JJKHFKHF. i will tomorrow. maybe. world studies was actually not that bad today. i didn't do to bad on the test, got to doodle for ten minutes, semi-talked to j.c., and got candy. the only bad part was when i was getting candy. if you did good on this pre-quiz thing you got candy. i was one of the winners, and so was j.c. while getting candy there was an awkward moment. j.c. had grabbed a handful of jolly-ranchers, and we only are allowed 2. he gave all the boys them first, then went to hand me one. i didn't know what to do. accept it, grab it quick, or what? i just kind of stood there, not knowing what to do, wanting the jolly-rancher, and feeling awkward. he ended up putting the jolly-rancher back and going back to his seat, and i went on to get my candy. the thing is, i knew he felt awkward too. he didn't just hand it to me like a regular person would. he didn't know what to do. i brushed it off then, but now when i think back to it, i wonder what it meant. did he feel awkward because he doesn't like me, or because he does ? AJDHD. whatever. Is it typical for us to act like this? Am I just another scene from a movie That you've seen one hundred times? -When I Get Home You're So Dead, Mayday Parade tomorrow is lauren's birthday, which should be interesting. i hope tomorrow is good, not that today wasn't. just better than today. way better.

i didn't talk to j.c. today. i never got a chance to. maybe i will tomorrow, but probably not. wednesday and thursday i might be able to, because we have a test both days. i'm not in the mood to type. maybe later. ---------- okay so i'm back. i was just thinking a little bit, and i realized everything probably would have been easier if i told him myself. it would probably still be awkward, but i could have...i don't know, maybe talked to him about it ? cause now i feel to awkward to even talk to him. HJHKSHDKJSd. i wish he would just talk to me. even just say hey or something. i should just give up. it's going to be way harder with boys now. i'm probably going to always be to shy about it, even though i'm outgoing with pretty much everything else. i'm loud, talkative, i smile a lot, laugh constantly, people even tell me i'm like that. but when it comes time to talk to a boy i like, or i think is cute, i freeze up. i'm fine around michael, brad, alex, mark and them, but with anyone i'm slightly interested in i am super shy. today was alright. not a great day, but not bad. lauren is in a great mood because of a boy she met camping, so she's been talking about him all day. i'm happy for her, but it makes me sad that she's in a good situation with a boy and nothing ever goes right with boys i like. i had a good day, except for math, which sucked because i got an 80 on a test, and world studies, which pretty much sucks every day. i'm usually better in math, so no i'm stressing that i'm slipping. i'm a straight A student, and my mom expects at least A's and B's. if i don't do good on the next few graded things, i'm screwed. in world studies i could barely concentrate. fucking hearing his voice makes me go crazy, and it doesn't help that he never has a quiet day. i want to laugh at nearly everything he says, but i feel like i can't. i wish it would all just stop. i need to stop fucking worrying. my life is so stressful. this stress is going to get to me soon enough.

4/26 yesterday was great. i shopped with sam and this girl julia, who i'm not really close with, but is cool. i bought a shirt and shorts, and we had a lot of fun. the only problem was sam blabbed and told julia i like j.c. i literally almost slapped sam, cause i'm not close with julia. GEN doesn't even know, and i am way closer with her. julia was cool about it though, a little shocked, but she didn't say anything. i don't know, i guess people pin me to be in love with some 'emo' kid. i even expect that. but i usually fall for a boy who's so not that. i think long hair is hot, but i haven't actually liked someone with long hair. emo: what exactly is it? people call me emo, but i don't know. they don't know the bands i listen to, and call me emo because of that. i love how 'popular' people like a lot of what i listen to, but never get called emo. i know i'm not like everyone else, but so what. the word emo has become a joke. no one knows exactly what it is. some say a person is emo if they listen to screamo, but i don't listen to much of that and get called emo. so say you're emo if you wear all black and wear eyeliner. my friends and i get called emo, and i don't wear eyeliner, and if gen kell or lauren do its barely there. but popular people, who cake it on, never get called emo. it pisses me off that i get labled as that. and i'm 'weird' because i'm different. i dare to not listen to everything on the radio and get criticized for it. today so far i've had soccer, and we tied. at the end of the game i was getting pissed off because offense was yelling at people (me) on defense. they were blaming us for the goal, when it wasn't our fault. it didn't matter though, because we tied. hopefully we win tomorrow. ------------- i'm going to try to talk to j.c. on monday. or at least some time this week. just maybe say hey, crack a joke, but nothing more. hopefully we can slip back into how it used to be. i wish i could talk to him on a more serious note, about how he feels about everything. i wish i could tell him how I feel. how absolutely shitty i feel. Some things we can't escape But if we try, if we try We can leave this behind -Sleeping With Giants, The Academy Is... that sort of describes the situation me and him are in. we can't seem to escape the awkwardness, but if we tried hard enough, maybe we could. i don't know. i don't have anything else to say.

4/24 ahahahah. i laugh to think that i thought only three days ago i might be getting over him. i went to a carnival today, with sam. as we were leaving, earlier than i would have liked (she was dizzy/queasy), i saw what i thought was him, with stephen and someone else. when i got home, i thought of going back to the carnival. i could have; i bought a bracelet that let me go on rides until four. i kept thinking that maybe he would say something, even just a hey. the carnival had been fun, the highlight being sam's phone falling out of he pocket while she was on a ride, but i ruined the fun i had with my what if's. what if's. i have a lot of what if's. tuesday and wednesday were good. tuesday i did some light shopping, and hung out, joking with my sister. yesterday i went to the beach with my mom, sister, and cousins, and it was fun. it brought back memories, most good, some not so good. only three more days of vacation. all three will include soccer, so hopefully i can push everything out of my mind and concentrate on just soccer, and having fun with my soccer friends. it's sad that vacation is coming to a close. i've had a sort of routine, wake up, read, eat, shower, read some more, then do whatever i have planned for the day. it's been slightly monotonous and i haven't done much, but i feel like i've gone away. no one has really been around to do things with, and i've kept to myself. it's given me time to think, but i've controlled my thinking. i try to not say what if..., and to just think about what i can do for myself. this journal has helped. i can sort things out one by one more than in my mind, and i don't even have to post it if i don't feel up to it. when i think about what i'm going to do about j.c., i stop. whatever happens, happens. if something good happens,thats great. if not, it's to be expected. i'm just going to let it be as is, no matter how much i hate the situation. he could be mean and tell people, poke fun at me because of it, but he doesn't. that's what keeps me holding on. maybe it would be easier if he was mean about it. at least then i would have nothing left to like.

4/21 zachary steven merrick- happy birthday wednesday, thursday,friday were alright, pretty normal. wednesday was my last night of ccd, boring as usual. the overall day was good, fooled around with friends and had fun like usual. thursday went by pretty fast, nothing stood out. friday i had a sub. in my study that we usually have to be silent in, and my best friend has it with me, so i fooled around that whole period. all my other classes were easy, since friday was the last day before vacation started. we mostly watched movies, and everyone fooled around and joked with each other. last two periods we had the student vs. faculty basketball game, which was great. students lost, which sucked, but i sat with all my friends and we laughed pretty much the whole time. one kid who played in the game was really hot, so me and my friends cheered and yelled every time he came out. we were totally obnoxious the whole game, and it couldn't have been more fun. there was only one person trying to ruin our fun, and we were total assholes to him, which made us laugh even more. the only person who could really ruin it sat in the same row as me, but farther down, so it was fine. no looks from my friend who knows, nothing. soccer later that night was funny, one of my friends and i couldn't stop laughing at our coaches, which was great. on saturday i had soccer, and we won. that was good, a distraction from thinking. i just thought about the game, nothing else. i watched a movie that night, and just hung out, got some reading done. even though i didn't do much, i managed to not think about anything that had to do with school. sunday was another lazy day, though i did take a walk with some of my family. it felt good to get out, it was such a nice day. i watched some tv that night, had a long talk with my sister about all things random, and went to bed, managing somehow to not think about it. today i read for a while, watched the episode of exposed with zack merrick on youtube, watched a bunch of all time low's buzznet video's, and got my hair cut. no school all week, thank god for vacation. in the small amount of time i have been thinking, i wonder why i like him so much. i've composed two lists: why i like him, and why i hate him. why i like him: just the way he smiles makes me want to smile. it warmed me up when i caught him smiling at me, part of why i thought he liked me. he always seems to be laughing, and makes me laugh. hes a total goof, and i love being goofy. he laughed a lot whenever we talked, and i liked that. he can be serious though, especially when threatened by our bitch of a world studies teacher. whenever she says the word 'detention' he calms down. i love that he can be calm like that, but isn't always serious. plus, he notices things. i never said anything about having bad eyesight to him, but said something to me about not having my glasses. i've talked to olivia about glasses near him, maybe once or twice, but he remembered. he asks questions, like if i went to a boys like girls concert when i wore a blg shirt. it was a no, but he was curious enough to ask. he's very talkative, like me. i hate not knowing what to say, and before everything happened, i never felt that. he just talked, and i talked right along with him. why i hate him: he stopped talking to me after he found out i liked him. he doesn't know i know what lauren did for me, so i just try to act normal. but he stopped making me laugh whenever we have to sit next to each other for a test, only asking me a question about the test. everything is awkward now. i feel like i have to go into a shell around him now, instead of feeling i could open up to someone other than my few best friends. i'm afraid of confrontation, that something will go wrong, so i've basically stopped talking in world studies, except to olivia or to anyone who asks me a question. i don't want him to say anything that doesn't fit how i want it to be, so i can't even look at him anymore. he'd say something to me if i talked, but i'm scared of what. my whole situation brings up fears: i have a lot. i try to not be scared, but i can't help it. when something goes wrong when i do something, i become afraid and stay away from it. i've become more of an avid music listener this year. it helps me. i can think while i listen, or just concentrate on the lyrics. i never had this close of a relationship with music, or loved so many bands like i do. my music taste has changed, and i've changed along with it. i'm less shy, and do whatever i want now. i listen to stuff most people don't, not just what i hear on the radio. i don't care what people think about me, i'm more me now. wow this is long. -_- ---------------------- i'm back! ha-ha. i need to stop thinking about what happened. it's over, he knows, big deal. but i can't stop thinking about it, and at times of major self-pity i dream up ideas for why he said he doesn't like me. does one of his friends like me, and he made some sort of promise with them? stephen does seem to try to get my attention a lot... it goes on and on. i need to give it up. maybe if someone liked me, i could forget everything. i could see what happens with them, and move on. i sorta think michael likes me, we've been friends forever, but lauren has him pinned for kate. lauren has a whole fantasy that i end up with j.c, she ends up with kyle/ricky, kate ends up with michael, and gen and kelley end up with whoever, depending on who our major focus is on at the time. i want to scream at her ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! michael seems to like me, kate definitely doesn't like him, kyle probably would have asked her out already if he liked her, and j.c doesn't like me. she's pissed that the whole thing with j.c didn't work out, but i really could care less. i still like him, but i'm trying to get over it. i need a fresh start. i'm hoping i can have a clean slate after vacation, a new person to flirt with and fall for, and just forget the past month. i don't know who though, i've wasted most of my chances. i've decided to be open to whatever comes, and just go with it. vacations rock. it makes me happier to not worry about anything, and to not see his face every day and want to cry. i think i might be finally getting over him.

two assemblies today. that was good. first one was extremely boring, but i missed class so whatever. the second one was alright, mostly fun cause we were outside and i fooled around with my friends the whole time. the only problem was, when i was walking inside after the second one, he was right there. my friend who knows everything thats happened gave me a look. a look of pity. i felt like punching her for some reason. maybe because i'm trying to move on and not let it affect me, and that just sent me crumbling on the inside. i kept smiling though, and continued fooling around with everyone. just like nothing was wrong. first four periods were a breeze because of the two assemblies, and lunch was fine, fun like always. the last three periods, not so much. gym was horrible, like always. i had to be a captain, the one thing i never want to do. it went fine, though being up and picking people made me slightly nervous. especially with 'popular' annoying shitty people there. english went extremely slow. my best friends crush just might have flirted with me. fuck. world studies, my only class with him was alright. until i glanced over at him, and saw him looking at me. i seriously got the shivers right then and there, and not because of being cold. i had a few laughs throughout class, and that was it. but those eyes killed me. i would have been fine. every time i even see him, just get a glance, i get that feeling in my stomach. how could i have been so stupid? it was a simple acquaintance, a friendship at most. but i ruined it. he barely says a word to me now. I FEEL SO STUPID. why did i have to go and screw it up? ---------------------------------------- the only good thing is that, from what i can see, he hasn't told anyone. if he told any of his shitty friends, i would know. they'd say something. thank fucking god he didn't. if he did, it would be a whole lot worse.

when he looked at me with those eyes, those eyes that have led me wrong, i almost started crying. i wanted to hug him, but i couldn't. because that would be 'wrong'. i don't care what he says. there is, or at least was, something there. i thought he was annoying as hell, and talked a shitload more than any other boy. but then he started talking with me, and everything went spiraling down. at first i just was messing with him. but then i started liking him. i thought he liked me. but apparently, he doesn't. today was okay, but other days haven't been so good. i really like him. what am i going to do?