Courtney/Lee and Becky?! SPLIT UP?? i just got the text from Nige!! WTF MAN i mean yeah they were always arguing but i thought they were gonna make it through. ;-; That bites man. All the couples are either getting banished from the group, arguing or splitting up. i'm not very happy =( huh huh huh... at least me + Adam are ok. =] winner! oh and i think i've come up with a new internet alias and will be making new accounts on EVERYTHING under that name. and i'll be moving my journal to LiveJournal. this'll still be here, 'cause i never can bring myself to delete/destroy my old journals (even if they're full of shit), but it'll most likely not get updated anymore. so bye bye =] COME ON NIGE TEXT ME BACK I NEED DETAILS and now i'm off to work. x

according to wikipedia, my bra size should be 34E! fuck that mate xD

Liam just said something.. it was the phrase "never stopped". it reminded me of Benni. it was something he said long ago.. about someone. someone who was 'special'. (Lol i just thought of the way Adam says 'special' in my head when i typed that and it completely killed the mood xD) and Liam said earlier.. anything he's said about feelings for anyone else, forget. why do guys do this? they say they got over her. they said it was love at the time but they got over her. they told me about all the girls in between. how they were 'special'. then it comes down to it and they were just lying about all the others and it's really only been the first girl. it hasn't. i've watched on, helpless, at your love-driven self-destruction. and now you tell me they were never real? You may regret your feelings but that doesn't mean you never had them. i don't pretend October never happened. it's made me who i am. i may not understand those feelings anymore and i could never bring them back but i know i had them, even though i can't remember what they felt like. But it was pretty sweet to say to Benni: "i understand. we all have crushes we regret." only him and Hannah are on the rocks now apparently. Yeah. 'Special'.

BenniBabyy Thinks:Fuck It, And Fuck YOU. says: i havent had a suicidal thought for atleast a week now:D LAURA.owned!!

or does every latest journal have some comment about the I Kissed A Girl song? Geo mentioned it the other day as well. i thought it was an old song no one really knew about apart from me and the girl i sit next to in German. but now its an international obsession. =/ Anyway, i got drunk, kissed a girl and liked it, so be default its a great song. everyone fuck off now.

This is what i wrote in my physical journal last night: "i'm dreading the morning. because when i wake up i'll have momentarily forgotten and then when i think about the day it'll all come back and i'll feel 10 times worse. it's horrible it's disgusting i'm disgusting I'M NOTHING i'm sick. i need punishment, i need pain. i'd cut but i haven't got the guts. i'd bite but i haven't got the energy. i don't deserve this, either end me or end us." (and by 'dont deserve this', i DONT mean 'i dont deserve to feel like this', i mean 'i dont deserve to be alive or to have you'. to clarify.) cheering stuff. i was thinking about it in the shower earlier. i dont want to die and i really dont want to lose him, but those are the only two justifiable punishments for what i did. and he said he wasn't going to end it which leaves one option. but i now how it feels when someone you care about very much says they want to kill themselves. that's why i went mad last winter. and i can't do that to him. so i suppose i stay alive. i think that's the point.. i stay alive, and i stay with him, so that i have to live with this guilt and turmoil, and that is my punishment. "i can't believe you thought it was over." that's what he said. but how can he? he thought it was over because of something that could never have justified me ending it. this? any other man would have ended it there and then for what i did. i suppose i'm hungry. but i hardly deserve to eat, so i won't. hunger is slightly comforting. but i don't deserve that either.

amazing how quickly you crash. i feel sick when i think about what i did, and you shouldnt be in love with me because i dont deserve anyone's love, and you deserve better than me. i feel like some kind of disease that should be quarantined. i've hurt enough. i'm nothing.

GUESS WHAT GUYS??? I'VE GOT A JOB!!! I ONLY HAD TO DO FOUR DAYS OF WORK EXPERIENCE!!! THE NEXT SEVEN DAYS ARE MINE TO DO WITH WHAT I WILL!! WHEN I'M EARNING, I WON'T HAVE TO PAY RENT!! I WILL HAVE MONEY ALL OF MY OWN!!!!!! Work exp. was AMAZING i was working for this dude called Ric and his dog Mavis with this other guy on work exp. called Oska and seriously, it was relaxed as hell. i was just picking out decent photos from a shoot and copying CDs, stuff i do all the time at home. AND i had to do a spreadsheet on Excel and i did it perfect!! So take THAT, Mr Hale! i CAN work spreadsheets!! should have fucking listened to me you fat twat. :D And i'm going to Adam's tomorrow!! The bitch gave me a hench-ass hickie on my lunch break so i had to roll into work looking like a slag. oh well. all is good. i will get him back tomorrow =] aaaaaahhh i love him LOL Whippy is so charming xD he was saying i'd end up a sluttish secretary who fucks the boss for money now that i have a job earlier xD and now he just called me a man slag. he's lovely. =] LOL Isaac just signed in with the name 'wasted again' xD oh its his birthday today! i cant call him the 12-year-old stoner anymore. gutted. RAVE RAVE RAVE... seriously life is perfect. I AM THE HAPPIEST EVER. =] =] LOUD MUSIC YEAH

"Even though you'll never come clean, you Know it's true, Those sheets are dirty, and So are you." Reminds me of someone. Why doesnt my Lead Sails Paper Anchor have that track? 'cause its an illegal download most likely, lol. Adam lent me his mp3 player again. :3 because Chester died once more and he's got my Linkin Park CDs. he's seriusly the nicest guy ever!! Work experience begins today.. very very nervous =( and it is raining.. but we all know i love walking in the rain. =] Adam sent me the nicest text ever, i love him. and thats all.

yesterday was a bit shit. (Y) Jamie did the single most NASTIEST, most HUMILIATING thing anyone's ever done to me before. which is completely out of character. but i guess he was in a bad mood. but that's no fucking reason to utterly mortify me. Chris does something like that sometimes, but he's only pissing about and he knows when he's about to cross the line. But Jamie actually had the nerve to imply that it was my fault, for having them in my bag, and then he actually made me feel like a complete FREAKSHOW by saying i really shouldn't use them 'cause no one else does. jesus and now i've started crying AGAIN. i havent cried so much in one 24-hour period since.. jeez man. more on that later. i dont want to be a freakshow anymore.. i'm trying, i really am. i actually bit the bullet and asked my mum to buy me some earlier so.. progress i suppose. she laughed when i said "too hench", but it was in an endearing way. she's being really nice =] she said i looked all sweet and innocent without my eyeliner this morning. i never bother doing myself up for tae kwon-do anymore. the other week Spo said i looked really cute with a bare face. so im only wearing mascara today :O arent i brave! yesterday was also shit because Adam went off in one of his moods. Tom really helped tho, i owe him =] i was feeling all useless and pissed off and he just comes up and says "a hug usually works" and carried me over to Adam and it did :) :) but then it was a fair bit later and we were outside Sainsburys and Lee and Becky had just left and i made him feel bad for something he cant help =[ and i said i didnt care either. i do care!! i dont want you to have one of those again, it was scary =( but i've always wanted someone to give me things like that.. it would mean more than anything to me. they're the nicest things i think anyone could give someone =] unless it wasnt spontaneous. then there wouldnt be any meaning in it at all. :( see thats the catch 22 thing.. i wont let you give me any now because i told you to and therefore it wont mean anything. it has to be perfect and thats just me asking too much of you like usual. and im crying again now! jesus.. lol whats playing on iTunes someone (Chester :D