I'm looking at mental health facilities around town. Trying to decide if it's worth it. I want to call the suicide hotline thinger But I dont know if they cost money. I dont want my mom to see that number on the phone bill. I just emailed shane About EVERYTHING. The cutting the boys the durgs my anorexia. Oh, my poor anorexia. I told him you're not here anymore. I'm sorry baby, you still mean the world to me. I can prove it. Getting my teeth pulled was amazing. I still can't eat much. What an excuse not to eat. I wonder what Shane will think. I know what shane will think. The same thing people think when you tell them you have 13 toes--- "what the fuck is their problem? how did it happen? are you lying? can i see?" Nick and I are 100% never going to happen. Bree and I are never going to happen either. I just don't want to break her heart. Nick didn't care about mine. That's why I need to quit my job, I cant see nick. He sings beneath his breath. I cut whenever I hear him. It's going to be his fault if my arm falls off. Hm. Someone lost their dog. It's in my house. It's kind of cute, er, she's kind of cute. Come get your damn dog.

I think I've hit quota to call me a whore, now. No one knows, which is what's good. Well... except a little thing. Lets see. First there was Christian. We really had something, I felt it. But he just wanted my body. At least we still kinda talk. Then there was Brian... I would love to use the excuse that I was totally drunk, but I hold my alcohol way too well, and the 4 jagerbombs and a few beers didn't effect me enough for me to say I didn't want to give him anything. So, that was also of my free choice. Then friday night Kellen tried to get somewhere with me. I just kept it at light kissing, thank god. I really hate to break hearts. He told people, and that sucks. At least with everyone else I fuck I most likely don't know anyone they know, and by the time I wake up in the morning, they're in a different state. Like Saturday night I blew Matt, which I knew was coming. But at this point I wasn't even there. I was thinking about all these other things I had to do; when Bree was coming home; how sexy tiff is; if I'll get home on time. He was just fucking a doll. Then last night--- oh my god. I can't believe myself. Doing guys in a band is one thing, cuz they don't care about relationships anyways, but I had sex with one of my best friends, whom I don't even like that much. He's been in love with me since we met. I won't even touch him. How'd we end up having sex? That's beyond me. I need a girrrrrl. I want some boobs. I'm sick of dick. I THOUGHT I was gay, I really did. Then Christian came in my life and made me realize that it's easier just to get love from someone older than me (ranging from 4 years older to twice my age) and forget about them the next day. I have a feeling this is just as bad of a road as drugs were. I hope I turn out alright. I hope I find true love. Maybe. It kind of scares me. I am on my rice crispy treats diet. Two a day keeps the fat away. I haven't cut in so long that the ones on my wrist are almost gone. I don't know if that's good or bad. I just don't know much, do I?

Well- I got my septum pierced. And I got this new piercing called a "dermal anchor" they didn't tell me it's semi-perminant, and that to take it out, I'd have to cut away the skin. I love it though, and plan on getting a LOT more. I want them going down my stomach, coming off my first one. I also want some around my wrist, to kinda look like a bracelet. I also plan to get one on either side of my neck. I'm addicted I tell you. I've only got 7 right now, though. Bree's moving back into WI, she's going to live in Fennimore. Where Tiff's living right now. Actually, a bedroom apart from her. Tiff hates her currently, and I really don't blame her. But I'd rather take Bree's side, even though she did wrong. I'm going to see her soon. She's breaking up with Erene-- You have no idea what that does to my heart. There's hope that her and I could be something. I don't know what to say to that. It scares the fuck out of me, because... she's just so beautiful and amazing. But I don't know what she's like sober... And now that she is, I'm very excited for her, and want to help make sure she stays that way. I need to hang out with her. It's been too long since we've jammed to Tool together. I wish they were on tour right now, I'd take her. I haven't cut in a very long time. Alison saw my scars and believed it was from my dog. Fucking dumbass. Haven't drank in a while. Good girl. I shall reward myself with some chocolate. Christian won't talk to me. Ass wipe. Matt is looking forward to seeing me, at least. He's so awkward, I don't know what to think. And that Brian dude can fuck off. I didn't even mean to give him that bj... I was fairly drunk. That's why I don't drink! I was sober for 5 months, I was happy. Then Tim handed me that damn beer. And all the jager. Ah well, what comes around goes around. It was my turn.

Bree thinks I'm beautiful. She asked me to wait and see. I'll wait a lifetime for her. I'm pretty sure if I were to see a shrink I'd have borderline personality disorder... You know what else? I noticed that I make up totally random lies to just have an excuse to talk to people. Just shit that doesn't even matter. Is that a disease or am I just that lonely? Also OCD- I've had this since 3rd grade. I remember tapping on my desk for an hour because I kept fucking up. I got yelled at by the teacher but I couldn't stop. I had to tap four times, but I messed up so I went for 4 groups of 4, but I messed that up, so I had to keep going. It's gotten better, and only happens once every now and then, but when it starts, it takes a while to get out of my system. Long sleeves for me for the next few weeks. Take this alcohol away, man. I'm fucked. Campfire Girls

He's off tour today. Yay. Must go to Cursive. SOiL tuesday, all day, show 'em around this boring town. Seether soon. Can't wait, amazing fucking band. Will def. be an amazing show. I cut at work. Who the hell cuts at work? I love my job, but for some reason the razor looked so tempting. It woke me up. Boss bought me a cookie. How many calories are in a snickerdoodle cookie? Must find out...

So busy burning discs i've been borrowing from work I don't eat at midnight anymore. I feel good. Except for a few things; Bree emailed me this morning. She's not suppose to be out of rehab for a few more weeks. Caught me off gaurd and i don't know if I should still give her the email. I added more to it. Not only does it tell her that I think she's the most amazing person ever, I tell her about my cutting, my eating habits, my lonliness. I spill everything to her. I have it saved in my emails, I'm not sure to send it or not. I'm not sure if she's coming back to this town or not. I just don't know anything. i had way too much to eat today. Someone shoot me. I'm out of caramel filled chocolate easter eggs already. I have nothing to eat when I wake up! I need to go buy more. And then after easter, they'll be so cheap. Yes. I ordered 3 Campfire Girls CDs off amazon. Only $9 for them all combined. I miss Christian. Damn him. I hope he comes to Cursive with me, it would mean the fucking world. I think I'm going to make him let me live in LA with him when I go there this summer. How am I suppose to find a place to stay in a new when I don't even have a job yet and know where nothing is? I'm sure I can guilt trip him into it. "yeah well, you left at 2am and never came back" Oh boy. I wonder if I should see a therapist about getting happy pills.

God I couldn't fucking remember my password for the life of me. I'm happy though. Today I had a pack of M&Ms and two Ritz crackers. I'm VERY tempted to have a lunchable. But that's bad news. Staying under 500 cal a day is my goal. I hate this. It's so stupid. And it's been going on for way too long now. On and off for four years. More on than off. I'm about to call Tiff for some shit. BAD IDEA. Better keep my ass away from everyone. I'm reading Sixx's book. (That's why I'm craving blow...) I'm so sad though, cuz I just started it today. And I'm about 30 pages from the end. I hate ending books. Tomorrow, work at 10am. AHHSHITZ.

I talked to him today. Well... Via text. But it still makes me nervous. I hope he'll make the trip. All I want is another night alone. One night stands don't happen with me. I can't let something like this slip away.