this week's been a bit topsy-turvy. on wednesday barry rang me and said "why did you not com down on monday?" and tried to get me to go down to his house and said that "we could snuggle" n stuff :S (i also broke my tooth on a polo!) anyway, i didn't go down. i went down after school on thursday and when he spoke to me i chose to answer with short prelies then he ended up going into his room then texting me sayin "dont be a grump do ya wanna sit wit me till ya leave" i didn't go in and then he texted me with a question mark so i decided to go in and see what he wanted. he told me to close the door ( so i did), sit on his bed (so i did) then he told me to take my shoes off n sit up (but i didn't) i asked what he wanted and he said "i just wanna sit with you" :S then tasha came in and said we were going home. i texted him off the interent when i got home sayin "bet ur bein lazy in yer pit!" and he said "yeah im lyin in bed id like a blow job" :S and he hadn't even been drinkin! then on friday i went down and he was back to being "untalkative, not-lookin-at-me barry" and tasha had told me that he asked leigh out a week after we broke up but she said no. it really hurt but now i know what he's like. i just want nothing to do with him now.

barry rang me on thursday night and we were on the phone for like an hour and a half. it was without a doubt the best conversation i've ever had with him and that includes while we were going out. he invited me down to sit with him on monday then the next morning i asked him about it and he said he didn't remember. friday was okay. went down to paddy and barrys and got drunk and just sat in barrys room listening to music with loadsa people and we were friendly and all which was really good. on saturday i went into town and went with lulu til she got her nose pierced. had quite a fun time in town. probably cuz i hadnt been in in ages! that night was awful thought i got drunk and barry was acting like a twat. i brought up going down on monday and he just seemed like he didn't give a shit. on the phone on thursday he kept telling me that he really cared about me but he just threw it back in my face last night. i even asked him if he wanted to be friends with me and he went "im not fussed" jamie and paddy just said have nothing to do with him so i deleted his number n all. hes a wanker. and i don't want him to ruin every one of my weekends. on a happier note, i got REALLY drunk and me and tasha made ravioli and chips - fuckin great! oisin texted me this morning and i went and sat with him in musgrave park for a bit. i'd spoken to him occasionally but i hadn't seen him in about a year. was really nice. we chatted and he was really touchy-feely and we had a few kisses :)

it was my mum's birthday on friday so we went out for dinner to bourbon. was really nice. i stayed in ash's and we watched tv and stuff and done some bebo stalking. woke up to a text from barry which was weaird because he never texts me first. i got ready and got a bus into town to meet tasha then we headed to shea's for a drink. we were in the living room and someone posted flyers through the door with drawings of jamie and shea on them which said "have you seen these punks?" tasha opened the door and looked out and it was kerr and barry. i texted barry saying "u fuckin creep lol" n he tried to crack he was in kerr's house. then they ended up coming to shea's. i started drinking when they got there and got so drunk i felt dizzy. i remember tasha going to the toilet and for some reason, i got up and sat beside barry. then i remember grabbing his hand and going "im gonna be sick" and he said "eughhh go outside!" so i did. i threw up everywhere and i remember tasha came out and took a picture of me and then barry came out and rubbed my back then took my glass off me and got me water. i came back in and just was so emotional. i couldn't bare to be in the same room as barry. in the end i just walked into the kitchen and jamie came in and hugged me and asked what was wrong. i didn't say anything and he went "barry?" automatically. i nodded then he said he'd get tasha. tasha suggested i just try sitting in there because she didn't want him to ruin my night. i sat beside him for a bit n we were sorta talking then me and tasha went up to the toilet and i deleted barry's number from my phone. we came back down and i started drinking again then me and tasha went to the shop. everything was okay then most people went to lavery's so it was only me, paddy, tasha, shea, kerr and fitz who stayed. me, tasha and paddy walked to the nearest indian to get food. shauneen rang shea slabbering and then jamie came back in tears with barry behind him. then the twins came in slabbering. at this point me and kerr were in shea's room. everyone was smashing stuff and me and tasha got a taxi home. as soon as i got home oisin rang me trying to get me to go to dom's but i said no. barry rang me at 8 to see if i was ok and i asked why he was asking and he said "cuz u were cryin n all" it felt nice...to know that he thought about me and cared enough to phone. i ended up telling him everything over text. sorta regret it now though but sure, what's done is done.

went into town with tasha today for a bit then paddy picked us up and we went to my house to paint my new room. was really fun! was talking to barry on msn...i know that when i haven't been texting him or whatever he's always on my mind but when i'm talking to him on msn it hurts me even more but i don't wanna cut him completely outta my life. i just dunno what to do :( i'm trying so hard to put on a strong front...

lot's changed. everything's fine with me and barry. just friends :) wen to shea's tonight. it was me, tasha, leigh, paddy, shea & jamie. jamie left to do rainbow's tattoo at 8 then me and tasha left 45 minutes later. we dandered into town to get a bus and lulu & pierce came to the bus stop. was pretty odd...the fact that the two of them were there...together =S

last night, i got a taxi and picked barry up then we headed to daryl's. whack, daryl, dean, phil, rainbow & neil were already there then most of them left and only me, barry and daryl were in the house. then dean came back and we headed to jamie's. kerr and pierce arrived then me, pierce, dean, daryl, kerr, fiona and bobbie went to daryl's cuz everyone was headin to the union. i had quite i crying session to pierce and dean. i feel like a dick now tho. then me, kerr, daryl and pierce sat in daryl's room cuz daryl and pierce were playin guitar hero. barry came back from the su on his own, opened daryls bedroom door and said something like a stupid quote then kerr closed the door. at about 20 past 12 i went into the kitchen and dean and barry were just in there. barry looked really upset so i asked if he was ok and dean said "hes fine" so i gave dean a hug cuz i was goin out to wait on my taxi then i went over to barry and he grabbed my hand and i hugged him and asked if he was ok and he didnt say anything. then i told him to give me a smile and he gave me a really unconvincing one and looked as though he was gonna cry. i kissed his cheek then left. he rang me when he got home (25 to 3) and i asked if he was ok and he said yeh. this mornin i was on the phone to him cuz he was supposed to come down and help me paint but he said he was in a bad mood. then we were textin n i said i was worried about him and he told me that he suffers from bipolar disorder and he'd be back to normal in a few days. i asked what got him upset and he said "just was talking to someone" then i asked if it was the person or what the conversation consisted of that got him upset and he said "i just was drunk" then i said "dont worry, my night was probably worse. i spent it in tears" then he asked why i was in tears and i just said "same as you, drunk and emotional" then i said "i hope you dont mind me asking but what was on your mind last night? cuz theres always a reason for someone being upset" and he said "the person was on my mind" i dunno whats up with him. im really worried :(

barry broke up with me today. he was down the past two nights and everything seemed okay. he still wants to be friends and everything and he says jacket night is still happening. i feel completely crushed. i didn't wanna lose him. i haven't stopped crying. i just feel so empty and numb.

towoke up really late today so i just got ready & stuff then pierce came down and i dyed his hair red for him. barry came down during then pierce left and barry sat here til 10 cuz he was goin to kerr's to watch the wrestling or somethin lol. i switch off when he talks about stuff like that. had a good laugh with him though. was really good :)

in addiction to below, all i can remember from last night was after the restarts playin barry with his top off pushin my down on the stage kissin me n bein all "ooh on the stage!" hahaha! the amount of sweat on him was unreal. i think i went home with most of it on my hands cuz i think i wiped it all off him lol!

restarts last night. was pretty fuckin good like! we were all in paddy's first then me, barry, kerr, sam & micky decided to head on round to the pavillion but on the way sam, keer & micky stopped at an atm so me & barry just went on and i didn't even get id'd. then later tasha & leigh came in n they both got id'd and had to lie their way out of it lol! george took a tremendous amount of pictures like! barry had his arm round me most of the night and kept introducing me to everyone as "my skinhead" haha bless him. we were up dancin n all n fuck me, she smell of sweat was unbeleievable but it was fuckin amazin! paddy flynn & lulu turned up too! i think i broke a rib lol and someone tried to pull my lip ring out and my legs are covered in bruises :( went into town to meet tasha after work today and we went to paddy's and paddy and barry were both asleep in paddy's bed. barry had taken loadsa pills and was completely fucked. the four of us lay in paddys bed for a bit then me and barry ended up fallin asleep on the floor then we headed home at 10. paddys house was a bloody state too!