Enlightenment isn't a "cure-all" state. I may be born with certain innate insecurities, or defects, and to fix them requires an open, clear analysis of what occurs in the present. This is why I must reach enlightenment, so I can understand the problem as clearly as possible without the distortions of my mind, so that I can fully realize a solution. Truly, it is not a disorder anyways. It is just the inability to be confident in what I say, to always be swayed by the opinions/actions of others. How to overcome this? The mind can not find a solution to the mind's problems; how can it? It is the very problem itself. One must go beyond the mind, and not judge based on a distorted perspective, but see things as they truly are. The basis for all change is knowing. After knowing, all change occurs automatically, because it would be illogical not to follow truth, a path that must necessarily benefit one's life. It would be insane not to..."To know and not to do, is not to know" Ancient Chinese Proverb

Why do I need an identity? I know myself now. I identify with a constant stream of thoughts, that share my disposition towards a number of events, people, and ideas. Everything has an opinion associated with it, a judgement about what is right and wrong. But the most relieving thing I can do is to stop living in this world of constant struggle, where I expect to find happiness only when my most ideal thoughts are reached. To say the least, this is highly unlikely. Furthermore, even if I were to reach this "perfect" state, would I find lasting happiness? The world always changes...how can I base my life on changing worldly conditions? How can I base my life on the unknown? So the search for happiness can not be found through the personality, the identity. For me, my identity not only consists of judgements and opinions, but it also has an associated history of pride in being a certain way, but also extreme sadness due to the loneliness I have experienced. I now define myself according to this sadness...is this correct? Should one be defined based on their history? It is natural to think that your history makes you what you are today. But I think the reason I cling to it is because I feel I would not exist without it, without the sense of difference from the world, without the sense of having my own clique of friends, my own beliefs, my own place in the world. If I let go of this identity, will I cease to exist? Immediately, I suspect I would drift the world without an identity, but I certainly would continue to exist. But now I see I have trapped myself. My new identity would be formless, but that is an identity nonetheless. To speak of having NO identity whatsoever...what is this like? I know this. I felt this...when I was in the washroom. Everything is very peaceful in that part of the building, and I could hear the cars outside, passing by, making a gentle noise as the air passed over their surfaces, gliding over the snow and making a light spraying sound. For a moment, I was free of anything, free of my mind and its problems, and I felt at peace. I know that this state is far preferable to the one I live in every day, that there is nothing wrong with not seeking any identity at that moment. I just felt free, and able to be my true self without any preconceived ideas or limitations that subconsciously/consciously impacted my true self. When you define yourself by your history, and seek change in the future, you are doomed to live the same depression for the remainder of your life, because you realize life must be lived in the present. Coincidentally enough, the present is the moment when all problems can not exist (as described below), leading me back to the same formless state of non-identity exist (the true state of peace). I want to define...what is social anxiety disorder in this context? What is it to say that I am born with a problem, say Asperger's syndrome? Even in the formless presence of existence, does it not still exist and affect your presence? Maybe not as a problem dependent on time to exist, but still as a hindrance of some kind that prevents you from being who you are. I need to think about this.

I came to understand a very interesting truth, listening to Eckhart Tolle today. I now know that my problems are really illusions, becaue they only exist on the level of psychological time, but in reality, since all we ever experience is the everlasting now, these problems can not actually exist - they are only true for our minds, that are stuck in a temporal state of existance. If one dissociates from the idea that time exists, and embraces the continuous present, and then asks: What problems am I facing now? The answer is none. There are no problems, except those we make for ourselves. Social anxiety disorder is nothing but an attachment of the mind, a built in fear, that exists because of a series of things that happened in my past, which hold my mind in the grip of temporal recollections, and the alteration of everything in the present based on these past experiences. But the past does not truly exist, and neither does the future. EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS OCCURS IN THE NOW. Nothing in my life has ever occured in the past, has it? Nothing has ever occured in the future either. It was always in the present. These fears are just my mind's attachment, to give it a sense of identity. But I know that to seek an identity is just delusion, and in this case, seeking and holding one that isolates me and brings me pain is insanity. It is so relieving...to just live now. To ask what problems I experience now, and to realize that there are none. Everything has this undercurrent of joy in it...although, I do find myself being drawn back into a state of psychological time awareness, thinking about my past, being absorbed by my memories and letting them affect me, when they shouldn't. It is my goal now to break the momentum of my mind, and learn to live in the present. But once you start, the process (apparently) will only move faster, as Eckhart Tolle has written.

Now I experience boredom. Everything I think about doing just seems like a waste of time, or something to do precisely because it wastes time. There is nothing that I really want to do, and when entertainment consists of playing the same computer game I am quite unsatisfied. What to do...listening to Blur now, Think Tank is a fun album. I guess I could prepare for university classes next week, get ready to ask for a research position. But everything seems kind of mundane and devoid of life. Not depression, just the yearning for something more. I'm going to keep catching my thoughts and see how far this gets me though...maybe I'll ask the Eckhart Tolle fans a question or two. yes, will do that now

Everything seems to have brought me to this point, where I can now fully understand what is happening in my mind with greater clarity. It is unconscious, ego-driven thought and a false sense of self, bundled up with self-definitions and bad memories that I have unwittingly allowed to define me. I understand what Eckhart Tolle is saying now, because I can feel it too - two minds exist in me, not one. One of them represents my true self, something like an innocent observer of what my other mind does to me, how it lives in constant thought and explanations, judgements, and negative emotions. It is a hectic part that can never find solutions, and I know this first hand because it has fooled me into thinking that I AM it, when all this time I have not. What lies beyond the realm of thought, then? When I no longer derive identity from my past or believed future, and surrender to the present moment, who will I be? I will be my true self, what I have been searching for my whole life. I can finally be free of my strange social afflictions, and anxiety disorders, because they are all a part of my false definition. To be able to go beyond thought, and live on a higher plane of existance, so to speak, but to still be able to use thought, just in a more fruitful way (honestly, most of my thought is utterly useless and instantly forgettable, and most of it just resists the present). Eckhart Tolle is completely right...and I've had similar thoughts in the past: What's the use in resisting what is? From now on, I must strive to be aware of my thoughts, my negative emotions. But not to fight them; just be aware of them. Because through awareness of them, I no longer identify with them, and I find a new identity, which can never be defined.

Always wanted to have my own little blog. Never wanted it to be on some big site; now I find this small site. I visit it so often, love song meanings. So many fascinating journals too. Now I can start my own. So this will be my thought recorder, where I am completely unrestrained from posting my latest psychological analyses. Not of people of course, that would be too unusual, although it occured in the past quite frequently. Now it will be an analysis of my mind, continual discovery. Maybe I can find some way to use silence to see it more clearly, because otherwise I can not defeat the mechanisms that run on autopilot in my mind...I need to feel silence, not stop thought. There are SO many lessons! Spiritual masters seem so enlightened, but following them is impossible. I must be "a light to myself". So here I am, attempting...some realizations made, some not. Situation with the outside world virtually non-existant, replaced with isolation, but I no longer feel sad, just emotionless and tired. I don't want to be so neutral, so tired...but sensitivity does this to protect. Well, in any case, lets see what I can discover