"people used to make records as in the record of an event of people playing music in a room; now, everything is cross-marketing it's about sunglasses and shoes or guns and drugs, you choose." --ani difranco, "fuel" i've always wanted to make a record, but i never had any talent for music, so i guess the best record i can make is the record of my life, its events and my thoughts and my dreams and my feelings, even if it's only for me (because who really reads these things anyway?). winter quarter kind of sucks && it goes by so fast. everyone says that life at college never feels quite real, and i feel like college life is so fake because it almost moves so fast that you're always struggling to breathe. you can drown so easily here, if you're not careful. if shit gets messed up, and you just want to get fucked up, it's hard to stop the bad behavior once you start, especially with the way work piles up during the quarter system. hi, i'm april, and i'm a nineteen-year-old college student. but, not for long since my birthday is in exactly a week. and god, i wish there was a time freeze because i don't want to turn twenty. i'll feel so old being a twenty-year-old first year student, not to mention that being twenty just sucks in general. you're not a teenager any more, so you're officially no longer a kid, and you're too young to really be an adult and drink legally. so basically, twenty is a completely ungratifying age, and i just wish we didn't have to grow up so fast. it's been really nice in los angeles, though, which i guess is something to be greatly appreciate. it's nice to feel like you have somewhere to come home to now, especially after the fires in the san diego area. i just can't comprehend how some of my friends lost everything. it's practically unbelievable. things can just vanish in a second. supposedly, that's means they're not important, but everyone knows that bull-shit isn't really true. i should probably continue my reading since it's getting sort of late, and i still have a lot to catch up on. my friends are out of town for the weekend, so i am just going to relax completely. well, not too much, of course, since i'm so behind on my work due to recent bad behavior, but i'm just going to stay in tonight by myself and do laundry and watch a movie. it sounds so quaint to do that, almost domestic which is something i usually shy away from. but life has been so crazy lately that i feel like i need a weekend like this. i just want to clean up all of this, so i can feel refreshed and renewed and invigorated to live in the present instead of messing around with the past. but the past still weighs heavily on me, since . maybe this will be a release for that, and all that shit can be purged from my mind. that was what los angeles was supposed to be, but shit follows you around. your past follows you around. i tried to run away from it, but i've come to terms with the fact that it's part of me. it's made me who i am. but i'm tired of it controlling who i am. maybe this is the right venue for expelling it. who knows? i haven't really been able to talk about it at all or even write about it, so it's doubtful. but as i well know, things that seem impossible usually aren't so impossible. shit happens. it's inescapable.