Total girl crush on one of my teammates... oops.

Not sure how I feel about this.

I guess the "oops" kinda makes that decision, huh?

Goodbyes are awful. We stood in the rain for half an hour and cried. No words, just names and tears. Holding hands, stroking hair, clutching shoulders. Sobbing. But what I'll never forget is how dead his eyes were. So empty. So hurt. Her tears hurt my heart, but his eyes broke it.

I have two weeks to decide what to do with the next six months of my life. And I'm too homesick to choose.

Ja, ich bin schon ein bisschen sauer. Du sagst mir nicht Bescheid, ich meine wir machen vielleicht was gemeinsam mit der Familie oder dass du mir wenigstens sagst, dass du was vorhast, aber nein, du gehst einfach. Dann ciao. Dann kommst du heim, redest ganz kurz mit mir, isst was, und schon wieder mein ich, wir machen was gemeinsam, weil wir heute fast gar nicht geredet haben, aber nein, du gehst ins Bett. Dann ciao, und gute Nacht.

I just know I'll choose the wrong thing, in hindsight. And as of right now, I just know you're not the one. Not now. You were then. But I cannot promise any more. * * * * * * * * * * You're out for a walk and you come to a fork in the road. To your left is a steep, rocky path, and it is a direct route to somewhere you've been before. Ahead of you is a safe, grassy path to a familiar beach you know well- perhaps so well it is no longer as interesting as it once was. To your left is an unknown path, intriguing and even perhaps even promising, but you don't know for sure. Do you take the leftmost path, because even though the way is rocky and your bare feet will get cut on the stones, you won’t be sidetracked? Do you take the middle path, because even though you’re not sure you want to walk its full length, it is smooth and easy on the feet and eyes and you know it well? Or do you take the rightmost path, because even though it seems risky, and could perhaps lead you to make mistakes, you want to find out where it leads? Which path will take me to what I want? What do I even want?

Ten years later and America still plays the innocent victim. It's time we recognized that we are at fault for what happens to us as a nation. What goes around, comes around.

I discovered that I mis-numbered my posts, and have two entitled "three." So this is entitled Seven, even though it is in fact my eighth entry. How anal-retentive of me to point that out. * I was re-reading those seven old entries and discovered this among them: "Dear Vati, You told her you loved her. Now, three months later, you're making out with some new girl. Is that what you think love is? How do you think Angel would feel if she knew? Also, you're totally taking advantage of Skinny. You "don't want a girlfriend" but are still willing to "snog" her in public. Very much in public. As much as I like you, kid, I think I'm justified in calling you a whore. Behind your back, of course." I suddenly find this amusing. I "snogged" the very person I accused of being overly generous with said "snogging". (I do love the word snogging. So very British and so very amusing to say.) So perhaps I should rethink my judgment of Vati. (Also, I honestly cannot recall why he should be named as such, but for consistency's sake, that is the name I will continue to use.) I'm not going to see him for probably three weeks, and as bearable as that ought to be, I already miss him. Perhaps it's because our time together is already limited and every extended period apart brings the end closer that much faster. There is so much more I have to learn. * * Dear Faces, It's been a while. I've moved on. I am happy, I am healthy, I am whole. You taught me so much, indirectly, and I am forever grateful for it. Trust is so much stronger than love, and for me anyway, so much more valuable. I hope we'll still be friends this fall. I imagine that won't be a problem. Much love, for a part of me will always love you, now&forever * * * Dear Echter, Thank you for letting me open up to you. I needed, and still will need, that outlet. I hope that I do not seem too lost in my own troubles. I hope that this new policy of total honesty and confession will help me find solace. I do worry that forcing you to carry my burdens will make you less willing to shoulder them. If I ever become too much for you to bear, do let me know. I'd hate to lose sight of what I can and cannot handle alone. With love, Your sister.

Dear aGirlsBestFriend: Thank you for your kind words. I wish I could believe them in this case. Maybe you're right that love will prevail, but that means I have to look for it somewhere else. * Dear Parents, Stop making things worse when I already feel terrible. Thanks. * * Listening to Adele and letting myself cry while I remember. "Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead."

Dear Faces. Every time I read your messages, I am so glad that we are still friends and so close. And then I am so upset because that will never be enough. Talking to you face-to-face is going to be that much worse, when I finally see you again. I wish I had never gotten involved. I wish I had never realized I'm in love with you. I wish... I had never found out and could still have hope. For some stupid reason it's so much harder to let go now than it would have been if she was real. I love you so much. And I am happy to see you happy. But I miss you more than you will ever know. And the worst part is, I can't tell you what you mean to me. I missed that chance. Is it wrong of me to hope that you're only half what you think you are so that there's still a glimmer of hope for me? For us?

I'm suffocating. Every bit of self-control hurts me more. I'm bottling everything up and I just can't take it anymore. I have no one to confide in. Echter is with his girlfriend all. the. fucking. time. Never a moment for me. Canada keeps secrets from me. I keep secrets from him. As close as we are, I just don't have the history with him to make me willing to confide in him more. Color and Glasses? Forget it, I cant bring myself to talk anything but frivolities with them. With them, it's all jokes or big ideas. Let them get wrapped up in their social changes and activism. I can't match up to their standard. I feel so inadequate. I feel so alone. And I hate myself for it. Just open up, kid. Talk to people. You can solve this problem. Is there something I have to prove by being the strong one? What do I have to prove to myself or anyone?