only to come out. One day we might realise what it's about. But for now i'll just go one step at a time There are some things that we just shouldn't define. Like relationships... geesh what is the point anyway? If you're close to someone you're close to someone, you shouldn't have to say it. I wish things just happened, although then again how would you know how the other person felt? Some people are sooo not smooth its mostly bad cuz they think they are! gosh seriously how obvious can you get... anyway i read one of my old journal notebook things last night. It was fun. I always surprise myself in that some of what i write is actually decent! one day i'll be pro so buying stuff for the formal isnt going so well. i've found a dress and shoes but haven't bought either cuz im a bit of a perfectionist... we'll see though we'll see golly my date is being a pain!! but thats an entirely different story i'm not in the best mood. been on my feet all day. and barely got anything! dissapointing. yet fun... better than sitting on my ass at home. so no one really cares i know. it's weird cuz i know i'll never care enough to come back and read what i write half the time, but writing it is still some sort of release... even if it doesn't mean anything. so whatever!

then it might not hurt so much. Pathetic? Yes Why am i so attached?? Why can no one explain it for me?? I have a perfectly fine relationship with my Dad, and with God (sometimes) Yet i still get unbelievably attached.. to anything that talks to me basically i'm not in the mood to say things poetically i just need to say it But basically im crazy and THIS right here is the reason i hate myself so much sometimes. This and the fact that i ate two tim tams and pieces of pizza today!! I'm really unstable at the moment. Basically. I'm not normally this stereotypical. Sometimes i wonder. Sometimes i wish. Sometimes i feel like a gigantic fish. And there are plenty more fish in the sea. Yeh there are plenty more fish in the trees. But none that will ever love me. lol =]

I'm trying really hard to lose weight... or at least lose fat and get fit =] i have just over 2 months to the formal and i want to look hot you see... it's so hard finding clothes that fit me, let alone the perfect dress. Although i should have higher priorities than that right now... oh well. I'm really busy but i feel at peace. Just go moment by moment, doing what you can, and it'll all turn out for the best. Guilt and shame are my only enemies. You know what's the biggest turn off for me? When guys talk about their sexual encounters. To me. I hate it. I like guys that are innocent... not guys who base their value on how far they've gone. Plus, to my knowledge, it's not generally something you tell girls about! Save it for the guys! Anyway that's not a big deal. You know what's freaky? I've been doing weights for like 2 minutes a day... for about a week now... and i'm already getting guns! how crazy!! it's probably all in my head.. but hey i'm motivated =] for now... Nothing interesting here really. Speeches. Essays. Music. Life. Growth. I've always worried that my purpose in life was mediocre. That i wouldn't be happy. Just satisfied. But i came to the realisation today that God would never create someone to be like that. So i'm living in the promise that his purpose for me will be damn sweet =] You only live once hey!

We don't give sympathy. A strange kind of tired. Expense. Feeling grotty. Only because i thought you would be the one [for now]. But another day goes by and you still aren't anything to do with my life so i force myself to let go as if i was ever holding on. It will never be finished. It will never be evenly spread. It will always be nothing and then everything. It will never be something. Something more. Anything? I'm too picky for that. But because i don't want to fall, i'll continue to live like i'm on stage. Acting out the person i created in my imagination. Knowing them better than i know myself. Perfect. Yet never getting anywhere. An imaginary person only survives in imaginary surroundings. A real person needs real surroundings. Surreal is too much. Is this really me? Have i stolen your key? Am i secretly copying it in the dark room below the openness? I'll add it to my keyring, so full of copies i can never find the original and stand before the door to my future. Desperately searching for the one that fits. Time runs out. And i'm left to open the only door that remains. Keyless. Will you be on the other side?

Or something in the air? English speech - going alright. Way too long. No main point. But it sounds smart. =]. Sleep - going terribly. i got more sleep last night, but still not enough. And lack of sleep means lack of excersize, lack of work, lack of social life. I guess things will be ok. But the problem is, when i lose sleep i lose sight of what's really important. And the further away from God i get, the more i get obsessed with trying to satisfy my security through other people. Not possible. Just makes you feel like crap. And i often mistake that search for security for love. I fall into the trap of thinking i have some kind of a crush on every guy i talk to. If someone shows interest in me, there i go. LAME!!! I'm trying to convince myself i don't like anyone. Or need anyone. But... there it goes again. going to bed early tonight. I promise?

I haven't written in here for a while, for good reason. I'm so over it! And i don't feel like it's something i should be doing, i'm not sure why. However, right now i really feel like blogging, and my other one is screwing up so this is what's left. Things were looking up for a while, and still are, i've just had a bit of a backwards day. You know, one of those days when you just forget how good everything has gotten and go back to the your old ways of constant self-sympathy, apathy and lack of empathy. I kept trying to make it better, but sometimes your so tired you can't force yourself to look up or even open your eyes. But it's ok. One night's sleep will make it all better. It's just i've been flooded with schoolwork, and i thought i'd been through this a million times, but never like this. I worked for four days straight, with no spare time. I'm sure people have had it worse, but for me it was so mentally and emotionally draining! I really should be taking a while off the computer, but here i am again. Worst part is i still haven't finished. Two more weeks, before it starts all over again. But sometimes a new beginning is what you need. I spent today bitching and crying and laughing and stopping all of a sudden. Sometimes i just can't control myself. But i'm learning. The only reason i get mad at people is when i care about them. That doesn't exactly make me a good person, but at least i'm not mean without reason? I guess it's because i give them some kind of power over me. I let them effect my well-being. And i hate when they shut off. I just wish i knew what was wrong, so i could fix it. Then again, do i? In some ways i would rather remain oblivious and innocent. My body is withering away. Does that sound old? Another word for withering... less wrinkly and more .... more... i don't know. I have no time to take care of myself. And i can't fit into my jeans anymore... not a good feeling! Anyway i think i've got it all out, it's just been one of those days (yes, THOSE days). Maybe i'm due. Maybe i've overdone it. All i know is tomorrow will be better =]. Some kind of a breakthrough is on it's way... or even in process right now. So right now i'm loving sex on fire by kings of leon, i usually don't like them, but that song is so damn catchy! WOOOAHHH your sex is on fire! and electric feel is also pretty sweet =]. It's so not the kind of music i'd usually like, but it's grown on me. Also fabulous right now are Lovers Electric! There's electricity in the air, we try to catch it but nothing's there. Tell me honey can we ever find the truth? Will we ever see one view? I owe the whole world an apology, does forgiving yourself mean your forgiven? Cyberbullying is a no-no! I think it's time for a change.