saaad but i'm so tired damn having to go back to school.... i'd forgotten anyone else existed. i wish everyone had seen it how amazing i was it can't be captured... you had to be there i know i'm terrible have a winge deal with it this sucks now! what am i gonna do? how am i going to show people all that i can be? i think that's what i really want is that ok?

i am so addicted to compliments and i'm so jealous. i hate it. i know it's not right but i can't stand when other people are or are perceived as being better than me i have to be perfect i have to be the best i can't be happy for anyone else it has to be me i'm so over myself why can't i get over myself? how contradictory will i get before i explode!? seriously.. there is one side of me that looks out for myself all the time and feels sorry for myself and makes me feel better and judges other people [flesh] and another side that constantly reminds me that it's wrong and that we're all equal and that i don't need their opinions [spirit] i wish that side would win but i'm afraid it's a lot less satisfying anyway i'm VERY tired. and so sick of stupid friends who never come through and who think they're SO GREAT [hypocritical much?] more that they have to let everyone know...

But i am so lost. i had you why did i let it go? will writing it down help? i don't think so. and now i can't get it back. you said you'd be there forever and you are i must be doing something wrong. fear is holding me back but i have no time to find freedom again i just have time to panic time to cry time to scream on the inside i'm content but i don't want to be i want more than this i know how much more there could be i love you.

opening night was tonight hoorah! it was quite good i woke up this morning with a cold though, and was like GAH why now!? but it subsided for the two hours of the show which was freaking fantastic! thankyou god i sung quite well =] and i seriously love the feeling i get up there, when i know i'm doing well. however my acting was fair bad acting is harder for me than singing i guess... anyway my cold is back so i need to go to sleep asap and do it all again tomorrow it's kind of sad that it's nearing the end, even though it's only really just started. i'm going to miss this. bonnie was AMAZING she has had laryngitis for some time now, but tonight she was fantastic regardless i'm happy but really overtired and can't breathe through my nose... frustrating. can't wait till tomorrow night!

I liked hearing your thoughts I thought i understood. You gave me hope...

I am getting so sick of this. i'm home alone, my parents are in darwin and my little sister is at a friends, my older sister is only around every now and then. and i'm over it. She has left mess EVERYWHERE ... so much so that i can't even use the bathroom. i'm considering dumping all her wet and stained brown crap in her room. She deserves it. How can she think she has the right to just come around whenever she wants, mess everything up, take money and then leave? I'm left to pick up the pieces. and her friend comes in and eats all our food and leaves her shit around and swears at my sister all the time. she needs better friends. she needs a life. I've been trying to keep the house clean, and then she just comes home and dumps her shit everywhere i'm so over it. how am i supposed to get through to her that this isn't ok?

damn i ruined the whole point of this entry in the title. i'm alone again don't know where my sister is. it's nice, but there's nothing good to eat =[ i hate myself for how desperately i try to get attention. if talking and being loud doesn't work i'll go sit in a corner by myself. i don't do it intentionally seeking attention, but that's the only motive i can find. i don't even understand myself, i don't expect you to. i like everyone. there are about 5 guys right now that i'm interested in and i so desperately want them to like me i don't know why friends? i wish.

It sucks being alone No. You don't care

- then even the stars refuse to shine i will wait for you i will wait for you until i see the change we need here you pull me in you reel me round and never let me go I once thought That I was free But then you let me know That I Will never know I’ll never know The extent That it hurt when I let you go So I Will never comprehend I’ll never comprehend The fear That you felt towards the end You felt towards the end You won’t know How I felt Though it can’t compare to you I was there And It was real The way I felt it too So why is it that all you say keeps haunting me on my dying day the sky is moving your eyes are bright i felt alone with you but it's alright

I'm so sick of myself. My perspective runs so much of my life. & It's more warped than your theme parks and ink stained imaginations. When was the last time you saw things from my point of view? [When was the last time you tried becoming a solipsist to the horizon?] With words and names that far surpass anything you knew before this perverted state of mind set in for good. What will bring me the satisfaction that i desire? It is a person? A creation? An action? Why do i question this when everything i could ever need is lain out in front of me, like trauma to the victims you willingly choose and make your prisoners? Is the point for someone to save me, or to save myself? If i can and do save myself, does that mean i'll never find a hero? I'd forgotten how much freedom hurts I spend all my time wishing for it not realising that i gave my freedom away so that i wouldn't have to endure the pain. I'm finally alone and it's breaking time.