i just cant do it. im sitting in a fucking bathtub b/c i have no other place i feel safe to go at home. at my own fucking home, i have been refined to a bathtub because theres a lock on the door and nobody can get in. im done. everyone says they understand. that they've been here. but the truth is. no one ever understands what anyone is going through because everyones life is different. i cant tell you how many times she told me to move out. just this night she told me "if you go to the mall, dont even bother coming home". how many other people would like to hear that? then she told me to rent an apartment b/c i wasnt wanted. i almost did go, and i wudnt have come home. but i had no place to go. thats the problem of being a kid. u have no money, no means of transportation, and oh yeah, no legal rights. if i ran away, i wud be committing a crime. lucky me. i'd rather be locked up in a sweaty, smelly jail then here any day. i know everyone has their own problems to deal with. i get that. but dont tell me i make everyhting about me and all that other shit. im done with everyone talking shit abotu me. its uncalled for. its unneccissary. i try to be there. i try more than you will EVER know. you guys are the only ones keeping me here. don't blow it.

im so done its like it never even started. which is a lie because i have the scars to prove it. i have the painful memomires that i'd rather forget left to remind me everyday. and i want it to all go away. i want to go away. for good

but i like him even more idk what to do. im over ben. but last nite my mom flipped out b/c i didnt tell her that we broke up. she wont do anything for me anymore b/c i didnt tell her. thats fucking rediculus. i cant take it anymore. i never did a single thing to her and she is out to ruin my life i hadnt done it for sooooo long. 2 months. and i caved. 4+12=16. thats what im up to. and i feel horrible about it. *** i cant stand guys either. theyre all asses. he used to like me. then he met her. and theyre over. he says hes trying to get over her. but we all know thats a lie. and its annoying. im not going to use him as a rebound. i really do like him. and hes hurting. and i wish i could help but i cant b/c he wont talk to me, and to be honest, right now i dont want to b/c everytime i do he turns into someone who wont treat me right, and who doesnt deserve me. and im trying really hard to get over him. but i cant. and im stuck

i dont know i dont know anymore nothing makes sense everyones leaving everyones finding a replacement and im stuck i dont know what to do my world is crumbling down. i act like nothings wrong. thats how i've always acted. everyone thinks i just brush life off my shoulders and move on but thats not true. i just act like that b/c everytime i try to vent, it seems that someone elses problems take first place over mine. and im fine listening but sometimes i dont want to. sometimes i just want to be heard. and no one is around to listen. yet everytime you need someone, or you dont, im always here. and i listen. but nobody does that for me. and im crumbling. im falling apart at the seems. im stuck and i can't get out every single one of my friends have replaced me. with either another friend, or someone new. you guys know who you are. i thought that we were friends. maybe even best friends, and then, last year, someone new came along and OOPS, there i go. right out the window like i was never a part of your life. you say things are wrong in your life and i want to help. i want to be there for you, but i can't be there if you wont let me. and that hurts. a lot. maybe its just the stress of midterms or maybe its my life finally catching up to me

the whole breaking up thing wasnt all his fault. i am the one who asked him if he still had feelings for me. i am the one who kept dragging the convorsation out longer then it needed to be and longer then i wanted it to be. i found out things i didnt want to know. i heard things i never thought i'd hear. and i cant handle it all at once. or maybe not at all. but whats done is done and i have to live with it and try to move on as best as i can and as fast as i can. i cant stand wallowing like this for much longer... its been 2 days now, and i sent him a text. it said "look, idk if u think i hate you b/c i dont. i cud never hate you. this is just new and its going to take time. " this is totally true. i could never hate him. hes too nice a person to hate. even after he did it, he kept sending me emails or txts saying how sorry he was. and i dont blame him. yeah it sucks and even though he did it, we still had feelings for each other. maybe not the same ones, but they were there. prompt and present. and he said Hey, thanks for the txt; I didnt want us to hate each other at all, I jsut knew I couldnt do more right now, and i wanted you to be able to have whatever u want; sunday's ok then? cool. how could i hate some one who is so selfless? he just wanted me to be happy, and even though im not that happy right now, i think i'll be better in the future. he'll get better. we'll all get better and in the end we'll remain friends

I'm so sorry. I didn't want this to happen online, of all places, on the phone would have been less, well painful. It's just with all that's been happening, I know you want more than what we have now, and my hormones are ecstatic, but I just won't do anything else now. I mean, I understand you said we'd figure out what we were going to do, but I just can't consider this stuff at the time. I can't handle any more stress or enormous upheavels in my life at the moment, as it is I'm at wits end :P. I'm so sorry, I just know thta you need someone else, I'm just not the same (yea..."good boy", W/e). My parent's divorce wasn't under normal circumstances and I'm just overly cautious. I just don't feel like, after how little we've been actually around each other, 1 on 1, that I can go any further. Maybe it's just a break, but we should considder alternatives right now. We're in High School, please dont do anything drastic, I don't think you would, but I need to say it :(; there will be tons of new things, haha, way better people than I. I really want to be friends, good friends, but not anything more for now. It's not you, I just cant handle this now. God knows I'v had enough intervention from other people, I can't do it all right now. Im Really, really, really, really sorry Ben We can talk, or whatever you want to do -- Ben is wholeheartedly sorry :(

i dont know how to describe this feeling its everything packed into one intense emotion that i cant handle. people say i shouldn't be mad. but why the hell shudnt i be? he broke my heart. in an email no less. and i know hes sweet and shit but i just dont get how some people, who have been down this path before, can honestly say that i should forgive and forget right away. its rediculus. its not happening. not for a long long while -------------------------------------------------------------------- in case u didnt get it, ben and i broke up. in an email "it's not you its me." he said that. I cant stop crying. im not one to wear my heart on my sleeve so im trying so hard, almost too hard, to hide what im feeling. to bury it deep inside like i do with most things i dont want to or cant deal with. my mom keeps bringing him up. twice in 5 hours. she doesnt know. i havent told her. but everytime someone says his name, i just want to curl up and die. im bawling my eyes out as a write this. i got 3 hours of sleep last nite b/c i cudnt stop thinking abotu us. i know we never did a lot, but we were together for a year. in high school, thats pretty damn fucking long, and i cant just throw that all away because its upsetting and i dont want to tlak about it. not going to happen. idk what to do anymore. im so lost (break up email ^) ------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm alive but I'm losing all my drive Cause everything we've been through And everything about you Seemed to be a lie A guiltless twisted lie It made me learn to hate you Or hate myself for letting it pass by

Taylor: i think he laughs a lot because when you're around him, you talk in this really cute, childlike voice. and yeah other than that not much to talk about. peace love and pinapples