i was rereading some of my journals, remenising if you will, and i jsut realized how bitchy i sound. i mean, every last thing in there is true, but idk, just w/e. anyhow, back to what i was going to write about. i miss the way life used to be. I miss not having a care in the world, when the latest gossip was "who got braces" not "did you hear who slept with who?". Life just gets more petty as it goes on. The older you get, the more stress you get and the more you wish you could go back to being a "teenager", as some people say, and yet, i would never ever wish to go back to this time in my life. I never want to relive any day from the past 6 years. I shouldnt. I wouldnt. I couldnt. could i?

i am so fucking sick of everything. the drama, the fighting, and just life in general. everything seems to be irritating me lately and im getting really annoyed with it (see?) and i just dont know what to do. i know i shouldnt do anything drastic but sometimes i cant help it. like the other night. i know that what i did was wrong. believe me i know, but it felt so god damn good that i've done it again. i feel so ashamed of it because i see how its fucked up other peoples lives and just, idk. im getting pissed at everyone. My dad yelled at me for eating a bowl of cereal and i almost flipped and screamed "WTF shannon is allowed ot drink cocoa, and u can eat chips, and yet i cant have a fucking bowl of Life cereal?!" like honestly. im just so annoyed with everyone and i feel like im pushing people away and i dont knwo what to do about it or how to deal with it because inside, its tearing me up. im falling apart more and more at the seams each day and its scary. its scaring the shit out of me, and if i come totaly undone, what will become of me then? what will i become?

but never this many times in one day. i cant take it. i cry every night. i take pills, and i do stuff that i never thought i would let myself do. I dont eat at school. Instead i come home and stuff my face for hours. and then i dont eat again until the next afternoon. I dont eat breakfast, i hardly eat dinner except when im at my dads cuz he yells when i dont. and just idk. my leg has scars. my hands have scars. my heart is scarred. but theres not a god damned thing i can do about it. I can't keep living this nightmare thats supposed to be my life. its not working. i just keep wishing that i'll wake up and everything will be back to the way it was when i was 5,6,7 years old. when life wasnt so god damned complicated and i could actually be happy for the next day, week, month to come. now i just dont want to wake up. all i want to do is sleep. i really have no interest in seeing or talking to friends but i do anyways, just so my parents dont catch on. i just dont know what to do. my dad keeps talking about my room and how messy it is (at my moms house). but i just want to say to him "you gave up the right to critize my cleanliness when you moved out" but i dont because i know that would break his heart. i cant do that to him. i cant lose both my parents. i cant let that happen. i cant lose him too. i dont take pride in anything anymore. my grades are slipping. im more aggitated and easily angered, and i feel like im pushing people away and i dont want to. i dont mean too. i cant lose them too.