i never thot i wud be back to feeling like this again. like nothing i ever did was right, and there was no way i cud make you see me for me. i started feeling like i was doing stuff right and you were beginning to see me, but i was wrong. i was so wrong and now i dont even know how i can get back. for once, i was making progress, i was letting little things that wud normally have bugged me slide, but you have gone waaaay to far this time. you dont even let me say one word to you b4 u start screaming at me. Did you ever think that maybe ur not the only one who had a bad day? that ur not hte only one with problems? i dont htink u have b/c u always take ur anger and pain out on others. mainly me. when we have our own bad days, and own troubles to tend to. its not always about you, so fucking get over it.

i dont fucking know. and if i did, i wud have left. a long time ago. I used to call u mommy I used to come to you with all the scrapes and bruises Both the physical and emotional But those days are long gone They left us a long time ago And oh, what I would give to go back to those days Everything was so much simpler I never questioned your love for me But now I do I’m not sure about you at all anymore I can’t even call you mom I can’t even look at you without being completely disgusted by the thought that we’re related And I know you don’t know any of this And I know that if you did Nothing would change The scars you left on my heart Will stay there forever And I will never be able to look at you with those loving eyes of a daughter to her mom again And I will never be proud to say ‘this is my mom’ You will never be my mom to me again

So I'll start to pretend im ok But you should know by now that My life is smoke and mirrors, The one thing is crystal clear That i'm the one wishing i was someone else, Anyone but me tonight Inside i start to fall apart. (Where do we go?) And i'll pretend im holding on (Where do we go?) So i guess ill bleed in silence.(In silence) I guess i'll bleed in silence. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- i wish barbara and shannon wud go to hell. i dont even feel like i cant even call barbara my mom anymore. thats how disconnected i feel from her. last nite tay and i slept over anna's and when my mom picked us up this morning, we dropped taylor off and she starts yelling at me for my room not being clean. WTF?!?!?!?! i cleaned it, but sorry for it not being as spotless as u wud like. I dont like things squeaky clean. so sorry for my inconvinence. contrary to what u mite think, i dont try to annoy u on purpose. i just cant take the fucking shit you're always throwing at me so i get pissed and then u say im a fucking horrible daughter and i make ur life so much fucking harder. sorry. or am i? im not. u deserve every fucking thing. when u say you're dying, i secretly think "can i make this process faster" "i cant wait for it to come true"... and so on. i dont think you realize how much i despise you. i dont anyone does or ever will. When you die im throwing a party for all those people that hate and have hated you. what a party that will be. I never did anything to hurt you and yet you find it in that warm, caring heart, all the hate one person has ever needed, and more, and you take all that hate out on me. Maybe if i ever did do sumthing to you, i cud understand the hatred, but i never did a single fucking thing, except live, and sorry if thats a crime. maybe because of you, i wont be living much longer. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- back to the story. she drops tay off and is yelling at me. so when we pull in the garage, the goes to get the mail and my hands are full so i knock on the door b/c its locked. my sister is upstairs. she screams "IM UP STAIRS! IM NOT GETTING IT!!!!!!!" so she storms down the stairs throws open the door and says "YOU'RE SO LAZY! THERES A KEY RIGHT THERE!" so i say "thanks?" and she was like "ARE YOU HAPPY" and she storms back up the stairs, so i bring my stuff up and my room is right next to the office where she was and she bangs open the door and is like "YOU'RE SO LAZY!" so scream "Y R U SUCH A JACKASS?!?!?!?!?!" and my mom comes in and starts screaming at me b/c she cud hear me screaming at my sister from the mail box. so i go upstairs and i blast Madina lake (

i cry my eyes out and i wonder if anybody notices i cry for all my frieds for all my wrongs for all my rights that could have been better as i sit here reading your entry, i realize that so much has happened that i never knew about, and i wish i did. as i sit here writing this entry the tears are coming. they are welling up as i type. i wish there was sumthing i could do, but i know that its not always best to try to help, but sometimes you help just by listening and saying that you understand. thats what i try to do, but i wish i cud talk to you about it. i wish i could comfort you in this pivitol part of life. but you dont want me to so i wont. tay: im rly worried about you. you're starting to sound like me. and thats rly scaring me. b/c i've been there, and thought that, but u've taken it a step further and done it. i want you to know, that no1 wants you to hurt yourself. no matter what is going on, self inflected pain is not the answer. it never is. and no matter what anyone ever tells you, you should make your own opinions about yourself and not base it off of others. and i know you rly dont want to talk about this, but i think you should. chloe: i just want you to know, that i am always here for you. and if you dont want to talk abotu it then i understand and i wont ask, but if you ever do, im here. hannah: hi yeah. thats it