1. I’m stuck in this cycle One that never ends I will never get out No matter how hard I push or shove Scratch or bite I will never get out I can’t make you see all the pain that I feel I can’t make you feel all the pain that I feel I can only hope that one-day I will still be alive Alive enough so I can get out 2. I try so hard to make you see But you could never know how I feel Or how much you hurt me You could never see You could never understand That I’m the way I am Because of you Because of the hell you put me through I will never be the same Never think the same And you will never know That because of you I’m this way I’m this fucked up And no matter how many times I try to make u see You will just reject the idea That you could possibly be such a demon And I’m through trying And this life you created for me is over

possibly. last nite sucked. majorly. my mother is an absolute fuckking cunt bag. she asked me if i wanted to move out and i was thinking "you have no idea how tempting that idea is." i didnt say anything. i stood there, crying hysterically, make up running down my face, and i was pushing my hip into the corner of the bathroom counter b/c that was the only way for me not to become violent. Its fucking 9:30 at nite, im in bed, and she makes me get out, and traps me in the bathroom, so she can yell at me for a half hour. i mean, what the fuck. if only she knew of half the shit and pain she puts me thru. if only she understood half the thoughts that i think on a regular basis. maybe that wud change her mind about me. Maybe she wudnt think that im the reason her life is so horrible. that im not the reason for the cancer or divorce. but i guess i will never know. i was talking to Hannah last nite, and i said i wud do anything and everything to get away from her, and this hell hole that i live in. If it wasnt for the fact that i have a low tolerance for pain and i hate blood, i dont know what i wud do for relief. I finally got off the computer at 10:30 cuz no1 was on but i didnt fall asleep until 1:30 becuase i was so upset. i woke up and i felt like shit, but no way was i spending the entire day with her. i wud rather die or eat worms b4 doing that. Then today, she acts like nothing happened. i mean, cum on. i know just as well as she does that this is going to happen again. IT was getting better, then sumthing snapped inside her and she almost killed me. I was sitting there crying hysterically not saying anything because anything i said "cud and wud be used against me". I know that this fight is going to happen again and i can only try to hold it off as long as posisble because i dont know if i will stay calm next time. I honestly dont know whats gonna happen, and i can only hope that i will keep my cool. not sucidle........yet

if you read the last entry, plz dont say anything to me about it. i rly dont want to talk about it. that was part of my past and i'd rather not relive it. ever. i just want to continue living this life and not think about the past, and everything that happened. thanks --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, I'm sitting alone thinking about it all over coffee. And still crowdin' my space are the things you still hold against me. You cannot save me.

and i decided to post the other thing. now mind u, its very depressing, and im not like that anymore, and if ur reading this and we're friends, u probably didnt know this so dont freak out cuz im not like that anymore and i rly dont want u guys to worry. so enjoy (or not) I have been thinking a lot lately. Thinking about the last 2 years, and everything that has gone on. Thinking about that dark period I had when I wanted nothing more than to be in bed, in the dark, in a little ball. As soon as I unwound myself from that ball, and walked into the light, everything was harder, more difficult to deal with because while I was in the ball, it all seemed like a dream, but once in the light, it became reality. It was a big reality shocker and sometimes I wish it really were a dream. I know I must have said some things and done some things then that I regret but I rly have no memory of that time. The only memory was wanting it to end. Wanting all of it to end, and the only way for that was ending my life. I thought about that, never came up with a plan, and never actually attempted it, but I thought about it. Thought about what it would be like not to be here anymore, and to maybe be someplace happier, someplace safer and not as corrupt. I thought about all the people that I would miss, and I wondered if they would miss me too. Sometimes I thought they wouldn’t even notice, then other times I thought you would go through the same thing I was going through, and I didn’t want to do that to you. Those thoughts mite have been the only thing that saved me, or it could have been health class. Who knows? But now I know that I'm glad I didn’t let it end there, because there would have been so much I would have missed out on. So many opportunities that I would never have been given. Now I know that you would have missed me. I know it would have been tough. But now looking back on it all, it doesn’t seem so bad, but at the time, it seemed like the worse thing. Sorry for the depressing entry. Just something I thought I should get off my chest

I'm sorry that this all happened to u. I rly am. Im sorry that we split apart and that I cant help u thru this. I rly wish i cud. I know its probably all my fault and i regret ever letting it happen, We have lost touch in a crucial time for both of us, and maybe it wud have been different for both of us, had we stayed together. I know you probably wont read this, but i want you to know that i am sorry. [[not saying who this is about]] -------------------------------------------------------------------------- was going to post sumthing else but decided its not the right time

i get home and she (my mother) leaves a note for me saying to go thru the box in front of my door, and i dont even know where she found this but it had stuff in it that i needed. she gets home, she throws my door open screaming at me for being on the computer when im doing my fucking history project so i go thru the box and i throw out what i dont need and i ask her where to put the box and she says to leave it so i put it down where i am which is in the middle of the kitchen and shes like "y r u throwing this stuff out" i was like IM NOT! and i look, and my stuff is in the trash, out of the folders and not organized anymore. i had stuff for science, for my computer, bike, cell phone, european money and she was oging to thow it away. its not her stuff to touch or go thru idk. today was just an overly sucky day

but i go no where. I stay here glued to the cement, where i wish i wasn't. I am running Running for my life But I go nowhere I stay stuck in this cement Like it dried around my feet And I can’t run away from all the problems From all the misery From all the pain I try to run away But my feet remain stuck Maybe I’m not running for my life But I’m running from it Today sucked. 1) Couldn't figure out what to wear (yes, that sucks) 2) Andrew scratched my fingers up 3)German teacher spazzed out 4) softball tryouts sucked, majorly. how the fuck are u supposed to bunt and hit the balls that are being thrown at ur toes?????????? I mean, I know i'm not a great batter. batting isnt my strong point, but i can still hit the ball and when theyre thrown at ur toes, its impossible to hit them. so that fucked me off. 5) Hardly got to see ben at all. maybe 10 min. at the most today. yeah. about to jump off a building. dont stop me *************************************************************************** Maybe Im not running for my life But Im running from it

so yeah. its been a while. sry. i've just been a little pre-occupied. but yeah. so many ups and downs its un-bearable. idk. i think i mite actually have bi-polar or sumthing. im not sure. this is going to be long... I was in such a good mood this morning. I went to the mall with linds and it was soooooooo much fucking fun. we acted like a couple and then broke up. needless to say, we got some awkward/hilarious stares. Then i got back to my moms house and (mind you, i havent been here all weekend) she blames me for her lousey weekend. i had a birthday party and i thought i did tell her, but apparently i didnt because she heard about it at a funeral and went home, cancelled her plans, and cried. all fucking night long. i rly thot i told her, and then she gets mad at me for keeping things from her. i dont get it. so, yesterday i had a party. 10 people came including Ben. I still havent told my dad about him and its been more than 2 months. Tay kept yelling at me to tell him, but idk. i dont want to. Its not that he wont like him. i know he will, but its like, all this time, i have been in control of nothing, and idk. maybe its like this: i want to be in control of sumthing. i want to know sumthing about myself that they dont know. i want to start living my own life, and i want to stop living the life they want me to live. so anyways. ben didnt know that i hadnt told him. but everyone else did. so they (mainly rachel and TJ) started screaming stuff about me and ben going out and i know my dad heard and i could tell that ben felt kinda weird about it. i felt soooooo bad. if it wasnt my party, i probably would have left. I was sooooooooo close to tears when they did that, and the worst part is this: they didnt even realize it. i felt so bad and i know ben noticed, because i talked to him about it afterward. He said he was trying to give me space. i guess i cant blame him. i didnt real pay attention to him. him and Tj were the last ones to leave,. Thank god tj left after ben. When ben was leaving, i could tell he wanted to give me a hug but i kinda just shoved him out the door. he said he felt kinda bad but since i live with my dad, i have to be the one to tell him when im ready. i really do love him. hes just about the best boyfriend in the world. sometimes idk what i would do with out him. hes just so understanding. i felt so bad tho cuz he said he felt kinda bad. its not that im ashamed of him. cuz im not. its just that my dad can be kinda scary sometimes and i dont want him to freak out. idk. i just dont know anymore. there are just so many ups and downs that sumtimes i feel like giving up and not going on. but then something amazing happens that makes me glad i didnt give up and i kept going strong. but then something terrible happens and im back down in the hole i thot i covered up and i wish it wud just disappear. its just a vicious circle that i want to end. i want to be either stuck at a high or stuck at a low. i dont want to go back and forth cuz that makes beign a teenager even harder than it alreayd is. and i cant handle it. i cant handle the constant ups and downs, the constant highs and lows. its not fair. and i want it to stop. right now. im soooo sick of everything and everyone. sometimes its like im the only one in the world and i have to deal with this shit on my own, then other times i feel like there are too many people who want to help. i (almost) never want to talk about my problems because i hate being vulnerable and exposed for everyone to see. but i dont want to go back to the way i used to be. all depressed and upset inside and rly happy on the outside. i dont want to go back to that because that is the worst feeling in the world but i never wnat to talk about my problems. no matter what i want, i cant have it. i cant have emotional stability, or assurence. nothing is ever right and it never will be. so yeah. thats been bottled up for a while. i shud be writing again soo