"im tired and so damn angry at you" and its my birthday today, happy birthday me. "your promises are all played out" "your so played out" "they're all played out"

'sittin at home, sittin on the bus...all i ever do is think about us' i feel like powerpoeming/rhyming. because i feel like shit (obv) ............. lying awake in want of company. this is exactly how you left me. moving along in clouds of misery. i cant believe you did this to me. consuming thoughts are what distract me. you'll say that im over-reacting. all my failed words and actions. are still out there but they're in fragments. they float around outside your head, just let them in is what i once said. ..... i know your alone. i know your mad. i know you remember, what we had. i know your proud, i am too, but i had no such trouble, forgiving you. ....... vagabondage - travelling about with no clear destination in mind. ill break free of this (clear) vagabondage. arent we all just lost souls! connecting, disconnecting, wandering, wallowing, materialising, desintergrating, decieving .it could be one of the biggest sins to deceive a (poor) soul. you just dont know. you just dont know anything these days, all this psychology bullshit. cant help you. its never going to be 100% right. its never going to fix you. your going to have to fix yourself. i think the best way to fix yourself is to find someone real, someone who knows you well. someone who doesnt want to be helped. and ultimately wants to die a tragic death, should be left to do so. theyre thoughts the split second before they die. wouldnt they be interesting, more interesting than maths and all that bullshit. im going to think of possible death thoughts. "i was wrong. i was wrong all along. i was wrong all day long of every day that became to long to be wrong...ok why the hell arent i dead yeee..." "somebody save me! save me from myself" help! im killing myself and i just realised how stupid that actually is" "im truely unhappy, but i cant say id be unhappy with the attention this suicide will bring" "im actually feeling regret, sorrow, distain and contritement. wow this is the most ive felt in years" "im dying. cool! this is well real!" and the old classic.."tell mum i love her" cant think of aymore. and i probably shouldnt. i think its a bout time i privated this shit. sometimes times its all thats needed to let things grow, but not when the plants a complete fuck up. somethings never grow. this wasnt some sort of plant malfunction...you cut off my branches.

currently not fuffillling my purpose and being made all to aware of this by the people closest to me.

this probably encapsulates my life right now.

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1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel? i find it hard to look someone in the eye(s) lmao...alot of the time im wondering if they are wondering if im staring like a weirdo or if im acting twitchy or avoidant and if they are thinking about the acceptable level of stareness themselves. i honestly think i miss alot of conversation becasue im always negatively thinking about staring and all that chicken shit bullshit. 2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. Why were you angry? im tired. im tetchy, and theres a dumbass guy sat next to ME eating food that I bought. talking shit about ME that means nothing to ME. all im feeling is a bubbling rage that im sure i could materialise into murder. 3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make one phone call...who do you phone ? he wouldnt have his phone on but id still call. 4. You are at the doctor's office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. what do you feel? probably the best i ever did. 5. You can have one of the following two things: trust or love. Which do you choose? love is trust..... 6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you save the dog? id save the little inconvinience, and id have a story to tell. and its a pretty good excuse to get fired......youd probably just get fired for turning up at work soaking wet anyway...would be some sort of shock tactic! im late! and im wet......BUT... i saved a dog. 8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you do/say? if it was my best freind (a girl) id be pissed off that they didnt already know that its not possible to turn me gay. would be a cocky thing to do and i hate cockyness. nothing wrong with hedging your bets though. argh this question is making me think to much on the subject, haha shell never know. 10. Are you the kind of person that people would want to have as a friend? yeah. i aim to please 11. Does love = sex? dont be silly. 12. Your boss tells your co-worker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your co-worker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to quit? i geuss i could quit if i couldnt get out of it. sometimes theres just the right thing to do, and the "your an asshole" option. if you want a proper society you cant be too assholeish. 13. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? some time before christmas. whenever i try talking about emotions im slightly lying to make them say something i want to hear. i think actions speak louder than words (but only if the other person likes you back) 14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a friend, you love them or that you do not love them back? dont love back. i find it easy to deny myself of anything remotely special.... 15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose? i honestly dont know...ive lost alot and nothing really phases me. probably myself for obvious reasons. 16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them? Who were they to you? to my freind in australia after we hung up on sunday. 18. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you? candid camera 19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? yeah! i did it to a dummy once, i dont know if i did it well but id try again 21. You are holding onto your grandmothers hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? shed never forgive me but shed understand at the same time. id never forgive myself but id understand it would have to be the baby id save the baby would understand nothing. hardly fair how babies change everything. 22. Are you old fashioned? im adaptive, but i hold true to morals 23. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it? i always do it. 24. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why? i enjoy a broken heart. first one. 25. If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be? complete comfortableness with myself and someone else.

the yob of the town pencilled all over my mates bathroom at her houseparty turned wild last night. he bit my face. her dads a copper aswell and hes looking for said yob. had fun though. when did i miss the boat? no amount of attention will ever be enough, your sat there but your not there. you involved but you feel so far away and see through. i swear people see right through me, hear right through me and know right through me. i must go straight through them. and they dont feel a thing. it hollows you to know you can re-emerge just like them. if you just.....knew you were exactly the same all along. i cant believe my predicaments sometimes my predicaments i created from predicaments , from which seem to have emerged out of thin air? the complete head fuck of a personal journal

isnt talking about music boring. yet i dont know what the hell im expecting to hear.

shit. you say i am too much and go over the top alot why must you misunderstand me! im just so passionate about us..

if god is a lie, then lies get you through the day. alot of people rely on lies. and in the end they expect a massive truth or something. but really all the have is unconditional submission i feel like im clinging onto, or im owed something to work out for me, dont worry it'll come and all those cliche adult lines... becasue it seems that everyone does prevail in the end. but maybe its the people you dont meet, the ones that it didnt work out for, that your most likely to become. its really really unfair that some people get born for some professions. and its not fair that alot of us have no ambition AT ALL. or parents that told us they loved us every 5 seconds. but its also easy to cop out behind that if things dont work out. its never a good idea to use the past as an excuse for anything, becasue remembering the past is the rule rather than a surprising exception, its not worth it becasue people cant emphasise that well. why couldnt i just be born a fucking model. or even disabled. then at least id have an excuse oops harsh

i honestly cant be honest. and i cant stop saying things i dont mean its like the only beauty i see in words is to say what you want to hear.. how do you change your perspectives, nothing seems to get through to me anymore. these dawning realisations people say they have, are they real?

yeeeouch. paranoid. i reject, the way you need, hurt yourself to get to me.