nearly everything i've wrote is practically a year old. strange old ways time has of running off with the stupid things i say, they still make me cringe.

whats new - shes asks herself. nothing, now thats a surprise ........ i hope you dont mind if i leave this here, its just i dont have anywhere to put something so stupid ........ *think its about time i edited this peice of shit. i could write about how i care about certain things but the truth is i dont give a toss, i could also say im going somewhere in life but that i seem to have misplaced my ticket. i have zero ambition and i dont want for much, i say if you build to much for yourself its just more to lose or leave behind, dont worry, i know thats incredibly stupid but my think tank packed up when someone overloaded it with shit of the bull kind. i dont like people making big statements...well about themselves, it makes me cringe. theres one i particularily hate "you probably wont ever understand me' you'll probably do anything it takes not to be understood, so it really makes for a person not many people would like to. fat tina malone is a good example. awfull woman. i find it hard to deal with getting, and unless im blind drunk im not so to speak 'getting' .not that i mind. i sit around and wonder alot, daydream about what could have been and therefore never know what would've been. i can talk for hours if your the right person. but regardless, im still boring on a bad day. i like to think i can tell if well get along by the first few things you say, dont think im ignorant if i ignore you, we'd only be wasting each others time. ...... what makes people say the things they do. i only know what stops me saying the things i really want to. i wonder whats the magic words. i wonder what you want to hear. if you want to hear it, what your thinking. everything probably. i probably miss you way more than i'll ever know.

god god if people couldnt speak id have a much better time

isnt it frustrating being young. i keep thinking im learning what it means but then i still dont know the truth, and then the week after its the same old shit. oh im fine. shit im not fine. i cant do this! all that bullshit. its funny really. and then you get a clear moment like 'yeah i think i can be good and not come across as a retard' and then one thing happens and your like. damn why did i think i was fine. but then you remember all the good things you did and KNOW you should feel good. but you cant let yourself casue you know whats coming next. its not hard to explain and its easy to understand. everyone is in the same damn boat

you made my day

i cant comprehend the last few days. all i know is im in need of sleep it went like this.... got talking to someone on the internet 2 days ago, found out they live an hour away from me, decide to meet the very next day half way. go to the cathedral in my local city , then go to his town on the train. rollerskate up and down his road for an hour, meet his family and then watch 'fight club' ..at this point we have walked about 7 miles all over the place!! then go to his mates squat to sleep. o.m.g. got there and theres guys doing drugs, pretty surreal...writing the walls, disgusting house. ...watched dodgeball, meet the spartans, tokyo drift and then pitch black. i swore to myself i wouldnt fall asleep. made him get up at 6 walked back to the train station my trains 2 hours away at this point im pulling my hair out. as im 10 quid down on refreshments i HAD to offer him. ggrrr he sggests going to his nana whos only in 'spitting distance' turns out thats another mile >.< finally get back to the train station, board train, chuck the rose he gave me out of the window when i'd reached a safe distance. now im just about ready to die. whole body aching, eyes sore and stinking of green. theres no way im meeting him again but hes oh so keen

"im tired and so damn angry at you" and its my birthday today, happy birthday me. "your promises are all played out" "your so played out" "they're all played out"

'sittin at home, sittin on the bus...all i ever do is think about us' i feel like powerpoeming/rhyming. because i feel like shit (obv) ............. lying awake in want of company. this is exactly how you left me. moving along in clouds of misery. i cant believe you did this to me. consuming thoughts are what distract me. you'll say that im over-reacting. all my failed words and actions. are still out there but they're in fragments. they float around outside your head, just let them in is what i once said. ..... i know your alone. i know your mad. i know you remember, what we had. i know your proud, i am too, but i had no such trouble, forgiving you. ....... vagabondage - travelling about with no clear destination in mind. ill break free of this (clear) vagabondage. arent we all just lost souls! connecting, disconnecting, wandering, wallowing, materialising, desintergrating, decieving .it could be one of the biggest sins to deceive a (poor) soul. you just dont know. you just dont know anything these days, all this psychology bullshit. cant help you. its never going to be 100% right. its never going to fix you. your going to have to fix yourself. i think the best way to fix yourself is to find someone real, someone who knows you well. someone who doesnt want to be helped. and ultimately wants to die a tragic death, should be left to do so. theyre thoughts the split second before they die. wouldnt they be interesting, more interesting than maths and all that bullshit. im going to think of possible death thoughts. "i was wrong. i was wrong all along. i was wrong all day long of every day that became to long to be wrong...ok why the hell arent i dead yeee..." "somebody save me! save me from myself" help! im killing myself and i just realised how stupid that actually is" "im truely unhappy, but i cant say id be unhappy with the attention this suicide will bring" "im actually feeling regret, sorrow, distain and contritement. wow this is the most ive felt in years" "im dying. cool! this is well real!" and the old classic.."tell mum i love her" cant think of aymore. and i probably shouldnt. i think its a bout time i privated this shit. sometimes times its all thats needed to let things grow, but not when the plants a complete fuck up. somethings never grow. this wasnt some sort of plant malfunction...you cut off my branches.

currently not fuffillling my purpose and being made all to aware of this by the people closest to me.

this probably encapsulates my life right now.

.

1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel? i find it hard to look someone in the eye(s) lmao...alot of the time im wondering if they are wondering if im staring like a weirdo or if im acting twitchy or avoidant and if they are thinking about the acceptable level of stareness themselves. i honestly think i miss alot of conversation becasue im always negatively thinking about staring and all that chicken shit bullshit. 2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. Why were you angry? im tired. im tetchy, and theres a dumbass guy sat next to ME eating food that I bought. talking shit about ME that means nothing to ME. all im feeling is a bubbling rage that im sure i could materialise into murder. 3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make one phone call...who do you phone ? he wouldnt have his phone on but id still call. 4. You are at the doctor's office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. what do you feel? probably the best i ever did. 5. You can have one of the following two things: trust or love. Which do you choose? love is trust..... 6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you save the dog? id save the little inconvinience, and id have a story to tell. and its a pretty good excuse to get fired......youd probably just get fired for turning up at work soaking wet anyway...would be some sort of shock tactic! im late! and im wet......BUT... i saved a dog. 8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you do/say? if it was my best freind (a girl) id be pissed off that they didnt already know that its not possible to turn me gay. would be a cocky thing to do and i hate cockyness. nothing wrong with hedging your bets though. argh this question is making me think to much on the subject, haha shell never know. 10. Are you the kind of person that people would want to have as a friend? yeah. i aim to please 11. Does love = sex? dont be silly. 12. Your boss tells your co-worker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your co-worker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to quit? i geuss i could quit if i couldnt get out of it. sometimes theres just the right thing to do, and the "your an asshole" option. if you want a proper society you cant be too assholeish. 13. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? some time before christmas. whenever i try talking about emotions im slightly lying to make them say something i want to hear. i think actions speak louder than words (but only if the other person likes you back) 14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a friend, you love them or that you do not love them back? dont love back. i find it easy to deny myself of anything remotely special.... 15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose? i honestly dont know...ive lost alot and nothing really phases me. probably myself for obvious reasons. 16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them? Who were they to you? to my freind in australia after we hung up on sunday. 18. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you? candid camera 19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? yeah! i did it to a dummy once, i dont know if i did it well but id try again 21. You are holding onto your grandmothers hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? shed never forgive me but shed understand at the same time. id never forgive myself but id understand it would have to be the baby id save the baby would understand nothing. hardly fair how babies change everything. 22. Are you old fashioned? im adaptive, but i hold true to morals 23. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it? i always do it. 24. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why? i enjoy a broken heart. first one. 25. If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be? complete comfortableness with myself and someone else.