You're drowsy without a care so I had a complete meltdown today in chorus . i just started crying and couldn't stop. i get these like once every two or so months but never in school. it's when everything just builds up and i can't take it anymore. i just snap and start crying. i forgot to get a pass for my absence a week ago and because it was after two days they wouldn't give me one and it would be counted as a cut by my teacher. i talked to her and she was really nice about it and said she trusted me and that she would make an exception this time and not submit it. then i started crying. she was freaked out but really sweet and was like 'it's ok, just breathe' and took me into her office thing and told me to sit there until i was ready to come back out. no one in the class really noticed and i wouldnt care if they did either. i was just stressed out. why you ask? well ... i hate westfield ... i wanted to leave and go to private school so bad but my parents were like no, you don't need to. i told them i was suffocating and all the extra drama was too much and i needed to get out and start over. but again, they said no and i'd just have to work it out. i hate school ... my dad went to harvard. enough said. he wants straight fucking a's, all honors/ap classes that are availible, and doesnt care what i want. i said i think that i want to study psycology in college and take some electives like anthropology and sociology. he looked at me and laughed, kissed my forhead, and asked me why i'd wanna do something silly like that. i dont know if i'm over reacting but if thats what i want to do shouldnt he support me and at least let me try to see if thats what i want to do? but noo, i'm going to study liberal arts or buisness in school. wow. suits meetings and a lot of money for screwing everyone else in the world, whats not to love? i hate my family ... sometimes, not always. but i'm the middle and i dont wanna be like waa waa wa lifes so unfair, no body loves me but i do get the least amount of attention. it seems like my mother would rather throw money at me then have to deal with my wants and needs. i get like $100+ dollars a month, and don't get me wrong i am very thankful for it but i'd trade it in if they could just be liek every once in a while what do you want? or you're right, you are having a hard time, is there anything i can do to help? or so what's up with you today, but asking and really wanting to know the answer. my mom got botox today, don't get me wrong shes not like a botox/plastic surgery barbie doll, this was her first time, btu she comes in and goes on the computer and starts playing spider solitaire and watching house hunters. i told her about my meltdown, and she said well thats too bad, you need to learn to control yourself. WTF ! YOU'RE DAUGHTER IS SO STRESSED OUT THAT SHE BROKE DOWN IN SCHOOL AND STARTED CRYING ! PRETEND YOU'RE INTERESTED AND ASK WAHTS WRONG. i hate soccer ... my teams one of the top five teams in new jersey. it's intense, and i love soccer, but it seems like it isn't a sport any more. it's 'play or die' or 'play every game liek it's your last' and 'play to win' and 'you can always give more'. you know what, no, you can't always give more. you shouldn't make it more than a sport. my mom wants me to play in college, i say no, she says i'm not expecting you to play division one but division two or three, you'd have fun. I SAID NO. LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE PLEASE. but no she cant, too busy planning the rest of my life for me with my dad. i hate my friends ... ok not hate but most of them piss me off and i cant stand to spend too much time with them. the only person who i could ever really tell my problems to who would listen and then give me a hug and say ' you know what a, everythings gonna be ok, and im gonna be right by your side making sure it is,' was p. and hes out of my life. i can't let him back in because i'll just fall again. i can't and i won't. i told my friend a about how i liked a (different person) and she laughed, and said yeah ok. she doesnt understand me. dont get me wrong, she tries, she really does, btu she doesnt get me. i told her about my meltdown and instead of being like ' are you ok now? whats wrong? tell me everything' she was just like 'i'm sorry i didnt know'. maybe my expectations are too high. idk but between helping her seduce g and figuring out all her problems, i've looked for the same help in return. my life isnt as terrible as others have it and i know that. i live a charmed life, but people only see the surface of it and judge me from that. i don't have it easy. sure i live in an upper middle class town and my family does have money but that doesnt make my life easy. it doesnt make my life perfect. it doesnt mean anything.