and I'm the pen their officially going out. he keeps texting me and commenting my facebook, but i won't answer, at least i hope i won't. I've deleted his number from my phonebook but it seems i've memorized his number in teh past two years. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel and his names a. i have two classes with him and for a while did not even consider him as anything, friend or other. he's not my type at all. i usually go for older and better looking and more jackass like. don't get me wrong, he's not ugly but he's one of the nicest guys i've ever met. he's not a saint either but hes jsut amazing. everyone says all we do is flirt but i dont know if i want to have anything with him besides beign friends. reason(s) being : 1) I just got out of an on and off 2 year relationship that ended terribly and i don't know if i'm ready for anything serious and don't want to hurt his feelings. 2) i ruin guys. once i get bored i either dump them or treat them like shit and then dump them later. i don't do it on purpose, i just find every reason to make my actions seem legit but then later look back and realize how mean i actually was. 3) he's good friends with one of my bests and i know she liked him at one point and i don't want to put their relationship in an awkward spot. 4) i have this 'rule' about guys from the same town that go to the same school. i mean i have a reputation to uphold and not that i'm a slut or anyhting which i totally am not but i dont like the whole school gossiping about whats going on. i like them knowing jsut what i tell them and with someone from the same school it's impossible to keep it on the DL. s says i'm just making excuses and taht she thinks i should just go for it because he obviously likes me to but idk . i'm not sure its fair to go into a relationship when i'm carrying so much baggage. but we'll see. a bunch of us are going out to dinner on friday and i think he's going. kinda nervous though, it's not really my group of friends, but then again i dont really have one as of last june. but we'll see

systematic overflow . the way i feel. it seems i'm being pulled in more directions then my body can go. between the pressures of my parents, my coaches, my teachers, and even my friends to be things i'm not. it seems these days that my face is getting more and more tired of forcing a smile. everything i have been delt in the past year, from the death of my cousins during the summer to the loss of best friends in june to getting cheated on by my boyfriend, who for the longest time was my vent. he kept me going. he cleared my head. i needed him. as much as i hate to admit it, i needed him. I NEEDED HIM SO MUCH. and now i see him with her. talking with her. kissing her. leaving with her. i can't take it. i promised my self i would never need a man, i would never cry over a boy, i would never be played a fool by a boy. a stupid stupid boy. i wish i had just kept things simple. in the summer, just fooling around, nothing really. i thought i was in control, i thought i had the upperhand. it was excatly how i wanted things to be. but then he wanted to be more, he wanted more, he needed more, but i didn't know. but i said yes. why did i say yes? because somewhere along the line i had fallen in love. now here i am, alone once more. life is better, uncomplicated, with no feelings involved. and yes i know i'm young, and to be young and in love is a troublesome duo, and a lie. or at least i thought it was, until he left. or was i in love? i feel as though i was, or why else would i feel as though he's stamping on my heart everytime he looks at me. when he says we need to talk, we need to be friends. does he understand how close to tears i am whenever the thought of him comes up, the feeling of his lips against mine, the lingering of his fingertips on my skin, the image of him and her. he said it wasn't planned. is that suppose to make me feel better?