Everybody, Here Goes Nothing

I've been sinking, going lower and lower on this downward spiral, so close I can almost feel the gorund. How much more of this shit can I take? I just want to leave more than anything, get out of this town, away from these people, away from my life. I hate everything about it. I hate my friends. I hate my life. I hate my school. I hate my body. I hate my family. I need to get out. I need a break. I need to leave.

Halloween was friday. A night of nonstop drinking and partying in clothes that worn any other day, would have been worn with names attached like skank, slut, and whore. Yes they are skanky, but it's fun. It's a night of being someone you're not, a night to escape your unsatisfactory life and for one night, do what the regular you would never do. I wasnt in the mood to party all week though, and hadn't had time to find a costume, so after talking to my sister who I never seem to see anymore because she's so busy with colleges and shit, she asked me if i would forgo my plans and go get dinner with her. I was fine with it. She had swim practice before and then we were gonna go. Time comes  around, it's 8 and she comes down in a football jersey with the black lines and says she's going out. I call her a bitch and walk away in disgust,a nd she calls back why are you so pissed. really? did you really just ask that? i'm pissed cause you asked me to hang and we never see each other at all anymore!!

I was pissed but it was still whatever. My friend matt was coming over later and i was finally gonna hookup, after almsot four months of nothing bc i've been so busy with school and soccer and super random hookups arent my thing. I'm just watching tv, he said he'd call before he came, when my parents call me in. they tell me my grandfather has really bad skin cancer and is going to have to have most of his face cut off in order to get all the cancer, and then they tell me that he asked the doctors how long he would have if he didnt ahve the surgery, his vanity getting in the way of his health. He is 82 years old, so i guess that is a fair question and it's not fair for me to get so annoyed, but i can't handle that. i'm turning 16 in 16 days, not 40. i'm not mature enough to take that. i went up to my room, layed down on my bed, and cried myself to sleep. when i woke up, shivering because i forgot to turn the heater on, i look at the clock and it's 2:30. i open my phone and see that i have 3 missed calls from matt and a few messages. fantastic. basically i sat home on halloween and did nothing. wow, sweet. to make things better, i have a text message from oen of by best friends saying how she really didn't say what i thought she did and how i'm a bitch for thinking taht shit all the while i'm thinking to myself YOU SAID IT TO ME, I DIDNT HEAR IT THROUGH OTHER PEOPLE SO OBVS I KNOW WHAT I HEARD! i hate people who try to take things back by denying them. come clean you fucktard ! so grandpa's dieing, no plans on halloween, and fight with best friend, wow isn't life dandy?

saturday practice in morning, not talking to best friend whole time. she's guesting on the team, didn't make it first time around, and she's bombing this practice so i'm getting secret enjoyment out of this, as pathetic as it is. not only is she playing like shit, but she's alone and not talking to anyone. agian i know i'm terrible, but i love it. after practice go and fundraise and have an ok time. county finals for soccer after with a few friends then i need a ride home so i call my mom. she bitches at me that she doesnt wanna go out but finally decides to come after i say that i'll just walk home along the highway. this is maybe the first time this week i've been in her car, and the like first time ina few moths i've asked for a ride. it's 7:30, so it's not even like it's late. speech in car blah blah blah.

sunday, i have a church service about my confirmation. my sponsor or a parent is suppose to go with me, but my grandma lives in florida so that's out of the question, and my dad is tailgating before the giants game, getting trashed with his golf buddies, and my mom is at my sister's swim meet for the second day in a row, even though she is perfectly capable of driving herslef. i have to go sit and listen to a priest preach about a God i don't believe in with my ccd teacher, as everyone else is there with their parents and grandparents. wow thats fair? i get home and at this point i'm so fed up with the bullshit in my life, that i precede to drink a handle of vodka. i don't drink. i'll have a beer occaisonally but i'm such a light weight, one is enough to make me almsot pass out, and i hate the taste. i've had sips of vodka before, not wanting any really becuase it tastes like shit. but i go into my dads wine celler, grab it, and start chugging that thing, ignoring the burning sensation in my throat. i use gatorade as a chaser and then enjoy the high i get from the alcohol. still upset, i grab scissors and attempt to cut myself, something i've never ever done or thought of doing before this. and here i am now, still buzzed but with a nagging headache, throbbing wrists, and a shitload of homework due tomorrow.

i don't know how much longer i can do this.