I hate the days like these. Why can't they just let me be? I held it all in today, every last drop of it. It wasn't even Shae. Everyone gets to me, one kid in particular just pushed it. I can't stand him at times, he's the friend we all hate. I just wanted left alone today. One day, is that so much to ask for? Just one measly day.. I held it all in while I was at a strangers house being tutored in algebra because I'm failing.. I'm so much better than that. I held in it when I was trying to listen to iron&wine, trying to just calm down in art, and the moron of the class bugged the hell out of me. I held in a lot of things today...sometimes I wish I could just open up to someone fully, without regret or feeling as though I can't trust them. Just one person. Then I was at Shae's watching television curled up on the couch. Glancing at the clock mentally ticking down the time until I get to come home. I promised Him a long time ago that I would be happy on my own, that I would hold my head high someday. I promised Him, and here I sit with tears in my eyes wishing this could all just go away. Like I have many a days. If I could keep just one promise, I would keep that one. Even if he left, I would keep that promise.. I waited until everyone was signed out to allow tears. As if they could see me. I just wanted to be alone.

I sit here and I read Bukowski. He and I share similar interests, we both like Prokofiev and Vivaldi, our favorite poet is E.E Cummings. We are alcoholics (I'm supposed to be the next one in out family..it skips generations) I sit here behind my computer in my room, I'm talking on MSN. A close friend just lost his girl. On Valentine's Day. He is wanting to leave, leave life. I am sitting here, telling him it won't solve anything. Telling him it's foolish and not worth it. I am sitting here, crying my eyes out because I don't understand how it got this way. How did I let it escalate to this. My friend's used to always ask if he hit me, I'd say no, that would never happen, he's not like. I believed it too. I sit here and I read Bukowski's ''A Smile to Remember" and I fear I will become that woman someday, and I'll have to put my son/child through that. Shae is exactly 6'2 the height that is said in that poem. The height of the father who beats the two.. Is life really worth living, I do think of suicide. I can't lie and say I don't. I tell myself there is a new day ahead and it could be the best day of my life. Then I am scared by that though because if tomorrow is the best, then the rest must be all downhill and I wouldn't want to see what is considered down hill from this point. He's not always mean though. We get along a lot. It's just hard to cancel out all the things that have happened. I'm not trying to justify anyhting, I'm just saying that at times we do get along. Sometimes life isn't worth living, I'll give them that, but the beauty of life and earth is always work seeing.. at least it is for me. Even if beauty is sometimes found in obscure places. Someday I'll see the light at the end of the tunnel, I tell you that my friend, and someday I'll look back and have learned something and I'll be able to share that knowledge with someone who really needs it.

Sometimes I prefer violence. The bruises heal. The words stick though, they bring me down, they pound me out, the may me weary, tired, sad, depressed. They make me hate myself. They make me want to believe them. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me. That's quite a lie. Words seem to stick to me more than anything. Whether they be good or bad words. I don't know why the people that are in my life stick around. They tell me how interesting I am. They have no idea how messed up I really am. Some days when they say something like that, that I'm nice and caring..etc. I just want to yell, "Don't you see how screwed I am, how messed up I've been, do you realize how pathetic I am, how worthless?? Do you?" People always say how pretty, mature, interesting, so on and so forth I am. I'm none of those. I am damaged goods. I'm a broken toy left at the bottom of the toy chest. Why bother and dig me up, just let me be. I miss him. On days like these I miss him most. I know he doesn't think of me and it's pointless to care. Did I really make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life? To be so happy, to make someone so happy. Then that person just shuts you out completely. I felt like I had been thrown in a little box. Like the toy at the bottom of the toy chest... i guess that description fits well. Perhaps some unsuspecting bloke will dig me up someday and think he's found a real gem. He'll find out though, I'm no gem. I'm just fool's gold. I apologize for having such a pessimistic journal. I'm really quite optimistic. In person I am at least.

I don't think you really know how it feels unless you've been in one. I'm sure you're thinking, "just leave. just get out..go.." You see though, it's not quite so simple. What he does to me now, while I'm with him. What he would do if I left. I value my life, even if it's not the way I'd like it to be. Two years ago, I never thought any of this would happen. The thought never crossed my mind. This couldn't happen to me. I would just leave. Yea, I remember thinking that about other's who are in what I'm in now. See some girl on tv and think, 'What an idiot..just leave' Shae and I have been together for a year and a half, somewhere around there. I've been abused for let's see..about 9-10 months I'd say. Everything started out fine. Like normal relationships. Then after so long we slept together. He was my first, I wasn't his. Then about..7 months he started emotionally abusing me. Then that led to physical, then sexual. Sexual, not so much. He mostly emotionally abuses me. Physically not so often, but often enough.. I lead a double life. I have my life with Shae, and my own life. The life I enjoy. So far, they've never meshed. I'm meticulous about keeping my thoughts sorted. I know what to say what not to say, who to tell what. It's become almost routine for me. My best friend is a guy, so he's a secret, part of my nice life. We hooked up once, Shae knows about it. So that makes it ever worse. Bran (my friend) knows about Shae, how controlling and insane he is. He doesn't know the whole story though. He's edged me to get out, but he doesn't understand. I care for Bran immensely. I wish I could express that to him, but it would sound like I like him. Which is not what I want at all. Bran has helped me through some tough times...I wish I could tell him how much he's helped. That would be telling him the truth though, about Shae. I keep most my friends on MSN. I never give out my phone number or address. Few know where I live. I think some start to wonder why. They forget about it though. All my childhood friends are in other towns, which is a good thing. I have a few other out of town friends. Some from this site. I used to be romantically involved with someone. He was really special to me. He was like my little escape from this world. He was like that bit of ecstasy in one's life. That little thing you look forward to in the morning. He lived and hour a way though. We had met because he came to visit my friend, Er. He saved my life. I was going to end it all, and he saved me. Just when I was done listening, he gave me something to listen to. Shae doesn't know about any of that. He left though. Found someone else. As much as it hurts and I resent it, I'm happy for him. I still make wishes on every eyelash that he's safe and happy. Even though he hurt me so horridly. I went away for a concert. A Chiodos concert. For one weekend I came back and he was gone. Blocked me form everything. Then I remembered his myspace. That's when I found out what had happened. I finally got a hold of him. He said we could be friends, I was happy and okay with that. The next day he was gone. I still check up on him from time to time. Via myspace. He's doing well. I'm no longer hurt by thinking about him. I'm just happy he's okay. That may sound like a lie, but it's not. I can honestly say that... I've been listening to Reminiscence With A Stranger thanks to a friend I met here. His journal was on here, but he deleted them all. That friend I just spoke of. He gives me hope. In some odd way. I've never met him, but he is so smart and witty. It's refreshing. I always feel like giving up on humanity. Like I'll never meet someone that is interesting and smart. That has wit an humor. He always shows me there is someone like that. I'm sure there are more as well. I hope so at least. Today was a good day. Mostly because Shae was making up to me for the previous night. I think he saw how violated I was.. It was nice..until he start to stop caring or feeling sympathy..or whatever. Then it just went back to normal. Well, that's all for now. Salud.

I'm petite. I have blonde hair and blue eyes. Isn't it funny how hair and eyes always go together, you always here people say such as; "I have brown hair and green eyes"...odd. I used to be athletic, but my health has caught up with me (asthma, heart condition, lack of vitamins..blah blah) I'm fair complected. I wear brand name clothes like all the other girls, bleh. I tell myself I'll step out of my little box and dress the way I really want to. I never do though. I used to be all punk.emo.hxc. I don't know. That's been 3 years ago. I didn't really know what those meant so I don't know what I was. Then I went all prep, I am still. I don't go all out though, like fake nails and such. I keep my nails short, I keep my make up natural, I like to look real not like I'm an airbrushed photo. I'm smarter than most of my age group. I don't make exceptional grades, mainly because I don't try. A friend of mine always says I'm a 40year old professor sort man in a 14 year old girl's body. The things I enjoy, I'm not like the other kids, I pull it off like I am though...it's easier that way. I have a small family, home family that is. My mom, me, my step dad. I have an older sister (19) she's in AK though. I have two cats and three dogs. I'm obsessive, compulsive, a perfectionist, introspective, restless, and faithless. I have an abusive boyfriend...