okay well im copying this quiz from mowthwash i liked this one. more meaningful than myspace surveys 1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel? both because if its a bad reaction towards what i am saying i cant handle it. then again i can't handle my own reactions sometimes 2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. Why were you angry? i have always been the patient listener, who plays it safe and does everything right in every relationship. but i find it hard to hear someone else tell me im conservative...and boring. that really pissed me off & another time was when i became paranoid my "best" friend was stealing everything from me. a conpiracy or something. but it was all in my head. however at the moment i was so angry 3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make one phone call.. who do you phone? my mom. shes the only one who will always care for me 4. You are at the doctor's office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? No. im not much for sympathy and pity. & i think i would spend my last month studying people's reactions and obsess over it which isnt how id want to spend my last month b) What do you do with your remaining days? have sex. im not dying w/o knowing the feeling & tell everyone exactly how i feel about them c) Would you be afraid? yes. death doesnt usually scare me but knowing that its approaching would cause me to anticipate it and start freaking out 5. You can have one of the following two things: trust or love. Which do you choose? trust. love is trust 6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you save the dog? id probably save the dog. unless im at the pinnical of my career or have a family to support than id go to work. 8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you do/say? unless i truely feel the same. id embrace it but i most likely won't so id choke on my words and end up just tearing up and walk away 10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend? never. i think im a terrible friend. however others tend to disagree 11. Does love = sex? thats a stupid question everyone knows it not. sex is only temporary comfort & love, if it exists, is supposed to me permanent, but its not really nowadays 12. Your boss tells your co-worker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your co-worker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to quit? no, id consider it but im selfish person thats hard to admit but im being honest 13. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? i thought i told one of my friends how i hate how hypocritical and judgemental she was but it turned out to be a dream 14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a friend, you love them or that you do not love them back? it would be harder to say i dont love them. id hate to be teh cause of heartbreak but its better than leading them on 15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose? my mom. because shes amazing 16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them? Who were they to you? ugh last person that i said i loved you to i totally didnt mean it. i actually really dislike everything about this person but i refuse to use names 18. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you? hmm it would be nice if it was someone who was going to confess their love for me but i dont think that would happen so probably my best "guy" friend even though i hate that term 19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? even though they probably were trying to commit suicide to take them out of their misery, id surely help them. & theyd hate me aftewards 21. You are holding onto your grandmothers hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? stupid fucking question. 22. Are you old fashioned? yes-ish 23. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it? everyday of my life i expect nothing from the people i live with. they are all garbarge and my niceness is all fake. but luckily it makes someone happy even if it is for only a moment 24. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why? guarenteed broken heart 25. If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be? i want to be happy & hopeful and stop seeing everyones flaws

schools started back to reality back to torture spring break was amazing. & its over D:

its official everything i've ever wrote about is my doubt it humanity. for a moment in time i feel hopeless but im on a high right now. suddenly i dont feel like complete and total shit, i feel slightly important. i look down at everything & i should have looked forward to the club but it was amazing. i havent had so much fun in soo long. i didnt get raped or groped, i felt attractive and sexy and danced with a lot guys but one tends to stand out the most. his name was alejandro. his eyes were gorgeous his hair was pretty cool and his face was flawless. & oh god his accent ahhhhhh so hot. he was so polite and well mannered. AND he kissed my neck my gosh i havent felt those kind of butterflies in soo long. it was nice. i didnt feel like my normal self and it felt great to step out of my skin even if it was for one night. so now everythings the same. eh its alright uh some festival on sunday, kinda excited. my friends ex-boyfriends friend is coming maybe something will spark? :] well now im waiting for everything to crash because happiness is a warm gun as john lennon would say. happiness is never permenant at one point the good fortune will end and you will crash kind of like drugs i guess. you have to feel both extremes of complete happiness and the dark hole of depression & those who dont miss out on life. so far i havent felt the total depth of both emotions, but i will. which is bittersweet. well time to vent okay this girl she calls me her bestfriend but i dont really feel the same i think its because we have different views on that term. we never have insightful and meaningful conversations. i cant trust her whatsoever she trusts me but always worries about my reaction but i dont give a fuck. everything she has to say is bullshit. crush after crush but she will never have a boyfriend because she has nothing to offer but big hair and terrible makeup. i pity her. but in the end thats all she wanted. and she acts like a total fucking blonde in public and at the end of the day she wonders why everyone thinks shes such a dipshit. she also acts like a spazz, falling on the floor, laughing obnoxiously embarressing herself like only a total idiot could and only for that wince of attention. :/ but in the end i must stay by her side for the rest of the year because she has no one else as much as she thinks she does. i kind of want one person that i can love for all eternity. someone fun and interestign that will hold my hand and never get bored/sick of me & vise versa. whos cute and funny and always lifts my mood. if i had that person i wouldnt need anyone else.

"Imagine me and you, I do I think about you day and night, it's only right To think about the girl you love and hold her tight So happy together" oh the beatles contorted idea of reality love doesnt exist its like santa clause, just another business endeavor. just to get in our pockets on valentines day it would be so nice if it was real but sadly it isnt, so we need to stop producing songs about eternal bliss and funny feelings okay? and when i do get married it wont be because i love that person but because i tolerate them. im being pessimistic or am i being realistic? who knows. got a cute bra to wear with my cute outfit to wear at the not so cute nightclub. ahhhhh. im nervous about it. i cant dance. i cant socialize. and i cant drink since im underage so how the fuck am i gonna loosen up enough to be able to talk to strangers and just dance. blonde kid with a short temper. you are the apple of every girl's eyes. attractive, funny, sweet. however you are so entirely predictable that im not even the slightest bit attracted to you. your dull. im sorry.

been a while since i've wrote anything in here. ive been listening to american idol contestants slaughter beatles songs to an extent that i want to hang a noose around my neck. it drives me insane. they are killing classics. uhm im going clubbing on thursday night. not that i really want to. im more of a people pleaser than i thought. i seem to have a lot of trouble saying no. she only wants me to go so her parents will let her go since they love me but i shouldnt give a fuck. i dont want to go. its not my scene. fuuuucckkk. its too late now and i have to lie to my parents to go too. what if something happens? what if i get raped or kidnapped? my parents will have no idea because im not telling them where i am in the first place. ohhhh shit :[ im paranoid. im anxious. i shouldnt go. but i have to. D: sometimes i wish we could go back to the 90s. where id watch pinky and the brain and the big comfy couch and have no really problems. nothing stressed me out. nothing made me guilty. i was free to do what i please and didnt feel the emotion consequence. my only excuse was "but moooom im just a kid" doesnt seem to work anymore. i've been having panic attacks. they scare me. i havent told anybody about them though because i dont want anyone to worry about me, esp my mom who doesnt need anymore stress. and my friends use and abuse me so whats the point in telling them. if i drop dead right now i know only 3 people who would be completely and genuinely heart broken. and i would only feel the same for 1. everyone is fake and everyone has hidden motives. everyone has multiple personalities and no one can be trusted. what a society we live in. i need to get away

mellow day i hope this mellow-ness stays spent the day with amy. i love her. saw vantage point. i think im getting back into the swing of things :]]

haha i just re-read that makes me want to hit my head on the wall and say angst angst angst just like in harry puppet pals from you tube :]] quick mood change i know. i think i may be a hypocrite for hating bipolar people when i may just be one of them. "can i touch your buns?" -eric foreman

i've come to realize that i complain a lot on these journals when honestly i've inflicted all the pain on myself. I'M the one who isolated myself I'M the one who never called back my friends I'M the one who refused to go to any social gathering and look where it got me. i'm alone and fucked i've also come to realize i have A LOT of angst and anger that i really need to let out i need to find some non-verbal & non-violent method of letting out my aggression :/ i've once again come to realize that im not as nice as i seem. people say that im so nice and that i need to be more cynical and shit well have you ever fucking thought of the possibility that i am bruatally honest and a terrible person but not to your face? that i tell everyone how i feel exept you and im so conving and manipulating that you never found out? yea im that good ive had so many realizations as well as the fact that no one changes. after years and years the person that you most expected would be a better person ends up being teh same bastard that fucked you up in the beginning. yea change is possible but you'll always have a little piece of what you once were. call me pessimistic or call me honest. whatever it is i have no hope in humanity. we have dug a hole so deep full of shit theres no climbing out. theres no room for optimism anymore. fuck all the people in happy little bubbles that no one can seem to pop. fuck all those sissy bitches who breeze through life with not the slgihtest care. fuck all those blonde katy zombies that make me want to appologize to god or whatever created us for the terrible people we have become. no morals. no love. want to know why we have no love? because its easier to hate we all know this. i promise you we repeat the word hate more than love. both words represent extreme emotions that we just throw around. we say i love you before we mean it and i hate you before we truely feel it. im jealous of my parents for going through there childhood with none of this shit. and i pity myself for having such a shitty life and all the shitty people around me. fuck you all

why is everyone so boring? i need excitement again i need something foreign and new the one spontaneous fun person in my life pretty much left me here I'M GOING INSANE

i dont mean to be judgemental. but if your bi-polar i will most likely hate you. i hate them all of them i have no patience for them