Now that my massive religion paper has been turned in, I'll be able to sleep a lot earlier now. I think for Lent (since you should give something up for 40 days like how Jesus gave everything up for 40 days) I'm going to give up soda (do that every year) and start doing my homework as early as possible before the weekend starts. It'll be better like this. We're about to finish Grapes of Wrath. John Steinbeck was actually born and raised in the same town I live in! Anyways, it's an INCREDIBLE book. Beautifully written and actually says something about stuff. Not too many books *cough*Twilight*cough* concentrate on actual style any more so when I'm reading this late at night I'm like spazzing out over how amazingly put together it is. If I could emulate anyone, it would be John Steinbeck's writing style. If you think about it, Summer is actually very close by! I kinda wish Hedieh didn't wear such baggy sweatshirts. Can't tell how nice she actually looks! Haven't seen Valerie at all for about a month or two or three. Marilyn noticed how we never see her anymore. I think she's always volunteering at the hospital here. This one crazy girl (I think she's actually very nice, but everyone says she's an overbearing bitch) that I haven't talked to in a while was at Jazz Band tonight. I learned that she's doing "better" because she was fairly depressed about things the past week or two. I like her because she's a little more open about her life than most people. It makes me feel like I can be somewhat trusted by at least ONE person in the world. She's still pretty cryptic, though. Asobi Seksu's new album "HUSH" is great! I like the songs a lot and the album puts me to sleep easily so that whole album is really made of pure WIN. Different from their first album, but still very good.

I feel the most insanely hopeless I have felt in a long time. Somebody might come along and say "Everything will be alright", but I can only write them off as a cynic or an idiot, because neither of them know why I'm thinking the way I do. I don't even know. I'm sitting here, doing my homework, and every once in a while, my breath picks up and I get a strange feeling in my arms and my mind starts telling me that I'm the laziest, and the dumbest bitch in the world. I feel terrible. I don't think I've ever felt this bad. At least I can still think enough. I hear my mom and dad talking and I always think it's about me and how lazy I am for not doing my homework and I make them worry too much. I feel like I should go out and bawl my head off. Someone will tell me "You've got no reason to cry, you're just a dumb, spoiled, kid whose never really felt desperate and you should feel sorry for the girls who don't even know if they'll be alive the next morning cause of all the pills and razors they swallowed." But that's the thing, I can't think that way anymore. Nothing exists for me at all. I'm too concerned about what is and isn't happening to me because I feel like I'm having a panic attack all the time. The thought "I'm going to die, I'm dying, what'll I do" is always racing through my brain and my face wobbles because every time I try to answer, I feel too much and I'm about to cry. I feel like cutting, but my mom keeps checking my shoulder and I don't know where else I should cut where know one will ever see. Last week, I've only been able to get to sleep until midnight, because of all the homework that I would always have to do and not one of the teachers is making it better and I feel like just the dumbest bitch in the world. My mom keeps asking me if I want to see a doctor because she sees in my face that I'm not happy and it's been a while since the fact, but I always say no because the only thing they'll do is load me up with carbamazepine and prozac and I'll still feel like dying, but every day, I feel like asking HER more and more and I almost cried when I wrote that. I'm just acting like some dumb girl that doesn't know anything. You know what I should do? I should just start telling people what I think. At first, I feel like I'm being too assertive, but maybe this'll be better. Maybe I should learn to be a better flirt. I should go out with friends more often. I should be louder. And while I'm at it, maybe I should grow a fucking pair! Off to do some more homework. And I was going to write about a dream I had. And it was a good dream, too.

Starting tennis now, so I had to get a physical. I guess it was as fun as a physical gets. They gave me some new shots for hepatitis. I almost died from hepatitis when I was a little kid. Anyways, when the nurse tried to give me a shot on my right shoulder, she saw all my scars from cutting. She asked what happened and I said branches (nominated for worst excuse ever). Later that night, cause my mom wanted to see where they pricked me, she found my scars. She got disappointed and asked me if I was doing it and I was just a little dodgy. I guess my parents do know that I get crazy-sad in my head sometimes (they ask about it) but I don't want to force it on them at ALL right now. It would be selfish. She's been asking me a lot if I want to go to a doctor or some group that might help me out, but I'm too humble to ask for that. People would say I'm prideful, but I think it's me not thinking I should impose on them, even if I really should. Started tennis today and I'm not at all good right now. Nathan's sick out of his skull right now. Caught something on Sunday, I guess. Some guy said the other day "I wish I could be like you, Mario. All comfortable with yourself." That is irony...