I'm not dead. Isn't that fantastic. I'm sure no one's been missing this, of course. Doesn't matter. If you have, I'm not going to talk about all of the stuff that's happened the past four months. To keep it short, my sister found out about Hedieh and me after it had spread across the whole school. She then told my parents, who got mad at me for having a girlfriend. I'm not supposed to have one, 'cause she'll distract me or whatever. I'm still with her and I love her. She will NOT have sex, but I won't ask anyway. I wouldn't mind (at all), but pressure is why she broke up with her first boyfriend. I love her anyway, and not in the way that needs her to take her clothes off. Taking art classes this year now. Yay. Sometimes I still feel TERRIBLE, but It's somewhat softened now that Hedieh's with me. It just sucks that we can never see each other. Ah well. Writing songs more often, now. Still don't write most of them down, 'cause I can't play them anyway. Some are happy, like about Hedieh, some are sad, like about drunk fourteen year-old girls losing their virginity. The usual :P Currently OBSESSED with Neon Indian's "Deadbeat Summer." Can't wait for the EP. In fact, these next few months are really exciting, musically. Snowden should get an album out by the end of the year as well as The Birthday Massacre. The Twilight Sad comes out with their second album in September(!), too. Can't wait.

I loved building the house. It was not always fun having to go around doing menial tasks like picking up the mess we made, but it was so damn satisfying getting a job done like roofing in only half a day. We only brought twelve people with us and there are only a few others that helped us there, but we still got it done in only three days! It took the same amount of time last year with thirty people. I had two friends that went too and made the trip one HELL of a lot more exciting. It was really fun and really rewarding and I will do this again next year. Another factor that was essential for this week to be so damn awesome: Hedieh. We would text each other whenever I had free time. It was funny because no one else could text back home because their plans would charge them internationally. I have pay as you go and parents that insist on buying copious amounts of minutes. We talked about a bunch of stuff. It mostly had to do with musical recommendations. We also plan on doing a lot more stuff together from now on. She asked if I wanted to just focus on her from now on (i hate using the words boyfriend and girlfriend, don't know why)and, as a response, I had her listen to Crackin' Up by Caesars. She liked that a lot. Strange how our relationship totally changed in five days we didn't even see each other. I bought a bunch of stuff for her: some talavera bowls, (which is this brightly colored mexican pottery) and this ceramic mexican couple that is just so fucking adorable! I kept in mind she'll probably never go to mexico. Hedieh says that the reason she had a crush on me in the first place was because I'm a hell of a lot more polite than any guy at my school and I have a different sense of humor and that I'm just generally a nice person. The texts we would send each other showed her a side that NOBODY ever sees which is the side that contains all the romantic musings I have time for (a lot). Just from what I've said to her in the past few days, she says she's really lucky. This is nice. This is all very nice. GODDAMN AP TESTS!!!

A lot of stuff has happened in the past month and I don't even remember all of it anymore. I'll just skip to the most recent happenings. I'm going to Mexico for spring break tomorrow. Not to Cancun or any vacation spot, but to Tijuana to build a house for a poor family. Don't think I need to tell anyone how bad border towns can get. I'm not exactly going because I'm a world conscious person with a heart made of gold. It's more because if I didn't go, I'd spend all of break in the pits of self-loathing because I'm not a world conscious person with a heart made of gold. I still kinda don't want to go, though. I asked Hedieh to prom. Goddamn it, Mario. You're taking your cues from your dreams now? Not really. I probably wouldn't have asked if it wasn't for good ol' Nathan not really wanting to go to prom with his girlfriend and not having any other friends there. I told him I would if... then he cut me off and told me I should ask Hedieh. Then he said that I NEEDED to ask her to prom. We talked for an hour about a bunch of other random crap. It was a productive night, actually. So I asked for her number because he had it. Then I had to go home and ask my parents if they'd even let me. My dad went on for literally an hour about how I should ask in person, even if I had no time to get the bids. My mom told me to go for it! I called, she answered, and I was denied. She told me that she would love to go, but she already knew what her parents would say, which is a BIG no. Her parents are ultra-religious Muslims (ULTRA!) and won't let her go to dances and parties and the such. She's snuck out before, though. Ah, well. Also went to the beach today. I feel good. But damn! I'll be gone all week. Let's hope everything is safe.

Went to donate blood at the all-girls school today and I got turned down because I've had Hep shots less than 8 weeks ago. This sucks. Now all three of those guys my pint of blood would save are going to die! First time doing it so I was a little scared because I was afraid I could faint afterwards. It's very difficult to keep your composure when you're unconscious. Hedieh had donated, too. She went back to say hi. She said she almost fainted and I would believe that because she was very pale when I saw her. Me and some other guy were the only guys from the all-boy school that I saw. This is probably due to the fact that it wasn't really announced and the only way I heard about it was from when Hedieh announced it in front of the whole jazz band. We had a competition last weekend. We played well enough. Our bass player had a concussion, so Hedieh and our other piano player had to take over. I had a good solo built up that I would've played if I had been more careful and if my damn Barri would have been listening to me that day! I didn't play a good solo, but at least I was covered up by the rest of the band playing way too loud. Saw Watchmen that day, too. I did not like it as much as I thought I would. Don't know why. Speaking of things and people I saw, I saw Valerie on Sunday. Just a glance, nothing else. Am I ever going to talk to that girl again? I had a dream the other night. A DREAM. I never have dreams anymore, all I ever have are nightmares where I die and glimpses of nonsensical dreams that are never important enough for my sub-conscious to remember, which is why I think this dream is an important one. My dream I think started out with a bunch of people just hanging around having fun. People were happy. I also saw some Raccoon Dogs that were being pet by people. I looked up what they could symbolize and it turns out that in Japan they mean good luck, mostly financially, though. I also read that they are strictly monogamous. Anyway, I pet one and it bit softly the way dogs sometimes do, but it feels good anyway. Then I don't know what happened, and I was with Hedieh. We started dancing slowly in this huge hall. Everything was in a blue light. I looked at her and her eyes were half-opened and her lips were parted. She then asked me in a soft voice something like "Aren't you happy?" Then we kissed and the kiss felt real. Very real. I can still remember how it felt. I guess the answer to her question would be yes. Any interpretations? I think it's obvious, but what else could there be?

Now that my massive religion paper has been turned in, I'll be able to sleep a lot earlier now. I think for Lent (since you should give something up for 40 days like how Jesus gave everything up for 40 days) I'm going to give up soda (do that every year) and start doing my homework as early as possible before the weekend starts. It'll be better like this. We're about to finish Grapes of Wrath. John Steinbeck was actually born and raised in the same town I live in! Anyways, it's an INCREDIBLE book. Beautifully written and actually says something about stuff. Not too many books *cough*Twilight*cough* concentrate on actual style any more so when I'm reading this late at night I'm like spazzing out over how amazingly put together it is. If I could emulate anyone, it would be John Steinbeck's writing style. If you think about it, Summer is actually very close by! I kinda wish Hedieh didn't wear such baggy sweatshirts. Can't tell how nice she actually looks! Haven't seen Valerie at all for about a month or two or three. Marilyn noticed how we never see her anymore. I think she's always volunteering at the hospital here. This one crazy girl (I think she's actually very nice, but everyone says she's an overbearing bitch) that I haven't talked to in a while was at Jazz Band tonight. I learned that she's doing "better" because she was fairly depressed about things the past week or two. I like her because she's a little more open about her life than most people. It makes me feel like I can be somewhat trusted by at least ONE person in the world. She's still pretty cryptic, though. Asobi Seksu's new album "HUSH" is great! I like the songs a lot and the album puts me to sleep easily so that whole album is really made of pure WIN. Different from their first album, but still very good.

I feel the most insanely hopeless I have felt in a long time. Somebody might come along and say "Everything will be alright", but I can only write them off as a cynic or an idiot, because neither of them know why I'm thinking the way I do. I don't even know. I'm sitting here, doing my homework, and every once in a while, my breath picks up and I get a strange feeling in my arms and my mind starts telling me that I'm the laziest, and the dumbest bitch in the world. I feel terrible. I don't think I've ever felt this bad. At least I can still think enough. I hear my mom and dad talking and I always think it's about me and how lazy I am for not doing my homework and I make them worry too much. I feel like I should go out and bawl my head off. Someone will tell me "You've got no reason to cry, you're just a dumb, spoiled, kid whose never really felt desperate and you should feel sorry for the girls who don't even know if they'll be alive the next morning cause of all the pills and razors they swallowed." But that's the thing, I can't think that way anymore. Nothing exists for me at all. I'm too concerned about what is and isn't happening to me because I feel like I'm having a panic attack all the time. The thought "I'm going to die, I'm dying, what'll I do" is always racing through my brain and my face wobbles because every time I try to answer, I feel too much and I'm about to cry. I feel like cutting, but my mom keeps checking my shoulder and I don't know where else I should cut where know one will ever see. Last week, I've only been able to get to sleep until midnight, because of all the homework that I would always have to do and not one of the teachers is making it better and I feel like just the dumbest bitch in the world. My mom keeps asking me if I want to see a doctor because she sees in my face that I'm not happy and it's been a while since the fact, but I always say no because the only thing they'll do is load me up with carbamazepine and prozac and I'll still feel like dying, but every day, I feel like asking HER more and more and I almost cried when I wrote that. I'm just acting like some dumb girl that doesn't know anything. You know what I should do? I should just start telling people what I think. At first, I feel like I'm being too assertive, but maybe this'll be better. Maybe I should learn to be a better flirt. I should go out with friends more often. I should be louder. And while I'm at it, maybe I should grow a fucking pair! Off to do some more homework. And I was going to write about a dream I had. And it was a good dream, too.

Starting tennis now, so I had to get a physical. I guess it was as fun as a physical gets. They gave me some new shots for hepatitis. I almost died from hepatitis when I was a little kid. Anyways, when the nurse tried to give me a shot on my right shoulder, she saw all my scars from cutting. She asked what happened and I said branches (nominated for worst excuse ever). Later that night, cause my mom wanted to see where they pricked me, she found my scars. She got disappointed and asked me if I was doing it and I was just a little dodgy. I guess my parents do know that I get crazy-sad in my head sometimes (they ask about it) but I don't want to force it on them at ALL right now. It would be selfish. She's been asking me a lot if I want to go to a doctor or some group that might help me out, but I'm too humble to ask for that. People would say I'm prideful, but I think it's me not thinking I should impose on them, even if I really should. Started tennis today and I'm not at all good right now. Nathan's sick out of his skull right now. Caught something on Sunday, I guess. Some guy said the other day "I wish I could be like you, Mario. All comfortable with yourself." That is irony...

Went to bed last night and right when I pull the blankets over myself, my eyes started to water and I had this totally helpless feeling. I was restless for a while, then I calmed down and rediscovered Broken Social Scene. This is strange because my emotions NEVER get externalized that intensely to the point where I'm starting to cry. Don't even think I was tipped off by anything. We were at a basketball game tonight and I had to play with the jazz band. Some guy started texting to some girl that's apparently gorgeous, except he claimed that it was me sending them. It wouldn't be embarassing, except for the fact that I wasn't carrying myself all to well tonight. Low energy=more depressing look than usual. I wonder what she thought about that? Feel Good Lost is an incredible album by BSS. Not like their more popular stuff, but I can appreciate it. My computer's back from having a virus now. Yippee

Had peer counseling today. None of the guys I had to see had much to say. They're pretty cool. Before I went, though, I felt insanely bad about something. It was the strangest thing. I wasn't talking with a loud voice and my eyes were sadder than normal. Oh that depression. I have not seen Valerie in the absolute longest time, which sucks to all hell. Haven't spoken to Hedieh, either. Things are sad and slow and the only songs that I can make up in my head are slow ones, the guitars are soft and quiet and playing on one string, the drums play quietly but more than just marking a beat, the bass plays similiar to the drums but more sinister, and the voice keeps droning, always about walking in the dark, not being able to see where his feet go. My finals are alright. I really want to learn how to play guitar now. I'm smart enough and know enough music to be able to learn by myself. I can play saxaphones right now, but you can sing while you're playing a guitar. I'm going to play tennis, because no one really takes it seriously. I need more hobbies. I got a D on my Film Studies movie because I couldn't prove I did anything. That's all.

Walk for Life was cool, even if Nathan didn't go. My group was fun. I missed his suprise birhday, too. Oh well. He called when I got home and it sounded like he was having fun. Stuff I should've take pictures of: -A girl marching with us was carrying a sign that said "Atheist 4 Life". -A bunch of uber-goths with a sign with a Johnny Cash quote that said "I wear the black in mourning for the lives that could've been." -Some pro-choicers threw a condom right at a girl that was marching too close to them. -There was this awesome as hell drummer and some bagpiper playing together. -The pro-choice guys had a cool brass band, too -There was this giant sign that said "Get the fuck out!" -One of the girls in my group tried to take a picture of one of those guys that stand completely still but then they move like robots, but he covered his face -We also went to In-n-Out for food and I got few more stickers to put on my wallet, which looks cool now Not much else to say. I did pretty well on my finals and I currently have a 4.24, lower than before, though. I'm pretty nervous right now, no reason. How come my journal is never the latest journal anymore?