January 4th 08' I have this thing i do with my cell phone, you know you can send text messages, well that cost to put o your plan so i found out that you can also sent voicemails to people by calling you voicemail and pressing the button to send a message, well because of the loser that i am i send voicemails to all of my friends or did at one time, but i usually send them to my girlfriend well ex-girlfriend now(the one that o have been writing about in all of the journal entries i have writien so far and im sure much more to come. But that is the setting for my question, if you have read any of my previous journals then this will make alot more sense, if not you can go back and read them or just know that i am in love with this girl and we are no longer together as of now, ok here is the question "Is it so bad that after every voicemail i send that after i send it i breakdown and say 'I love you' to the picture i have of us as the background on my cell phone, i mean we are not together, and that soesnt mean that i cant love her but should i always say it to my phone, or what?" Am i just some heart broke idiot that needs to just get over this girl and move on with my life, but i can't trust me i tought that by now the hurting would be a little less then it was at first but it is not so, i can't seem to forget her, i dont want to forget her, i want to see her, i want to hold her, i want to kiss her again, tell her that i love her and hear those words come back to me with the simle that you used to show me, not the one you wear now, not the one that is just there so anyone cant know your hurting inside. So what do i do now, what i can't seem to get you out of my mind long enough to do anything else but fall more in, love with you, but i want to fall in love with you more but not under these circumstances, but still........I just don't know what else to do, these are the thoughts that haunt me every night before i go to bed, i still kiss my picture of us good night, I hug a pillow hoping that by some magical way I'll wwake up and see that it is you I'm holding, but still i know that will never happen but it allows me to finally fall asleep where still you are with me there in my dreams and things are different cause I see things the way i wish and pray that they will be again in the future if god, please god, wills. My heart is breaking now and im trying to resist all urge to just cry out and break out an beg god that i'll just wake up and relize that it was all a bad dream, but i can't cause i've got to deal with the way things are, but i just don't know how, all the ways i have every dealt with my pain you helped me over come and show me that you were to help me, but now i want to pour out to you more then ever but i can't because of what is happening right know. I'm just so lost and i feel, once again, that im getting no where with anyone and im not sure how to get this off my heart and my mind. The words I'm looking for never seem to be there, and i just don't know how to cope, you meant and still mean so much to me and my life.............But ohh God I need your help, be with her, love her, hold her in your arms. Shine on, Love, Shine on. I will always be here I swear.

well, i really dont have a whole lot new to write about, my heart is just ever heavy beacuse of all of the things that have gone on in the last 3 weeks. I havent been able to get this girl off my mind more so then we we're together, it is really killing me, the saying holds true you never know what you have til it is gone, god do i miss and love you so much, im trying to make it easier on her by not showing my pain but everytime she says she has to go i know it is mainly beacuse of the fact that she thinks that for not being together we need to change how and how much we talk, and she said she still wants to be friends but I can't find the median bewteen still talking as friends and be the so much more then that i want to be. I really am trying to make it easier on her but she can her the pain in my voice, and then it kills me to hear her get depressed about it. so i need to find the happy median the one that makes her happy, i dont care about me, i just want her to be happy and know that i love her, i wish she would know how true that is. Dear god, please show me what i am suppose to do, and help us to sort everything out. I guess i'll find out what will become of us soon or really not soon enough, i dont want anyone elses reflection in my eye, just ours, i just want the girl i love in my arms and hold her so tight. I hope your lives are good thank you for listening to me ramble. God bless

ello again, I am just lost in this thing called life, and im not sure how to fix all of the problems ive caused, or if im just the butt of the blame, but i do blame myself for alto of them, and I am not sure why i do, but i really do believe that they are my fault. So i meant to put this in an early journal if you want to talk, and need to write up your feelings to some one who will listen, my e-mail address is "allaboutdamusic@adelphia.net" so you can write in if you want, i check it all the time, most of the time. i wrote a poem so i hope you like it cause i kinda am not all that good but here it is. "Blood I Bleed" Will I ever hear those words again. The words you told me way back when. I know those words are in your eyes. But the pain in your simle makes me cry. How long will I have to wait. How long will my memory play back that date. It kills me to see you cry because of me, But I can't take away this terrible pain I see. I wish you well, shine on. I'll always be here, even after were gone. I told you that your the girls for me. Shine on, one day we'll see. Love shines til the very end I never thought that it was right around the bend But my love is still there. And now more then ever i still care. Your everything I need. If I'm cut your the blood i bleed. I told you your the girl for me. Shine on, one day we'll see. Inspired by the girl who gave me life, A.P.S. (that is to keep the innocent protected) thank you , but only God knows how much I love you.

I feel like every thing i say is wrong and that everyone has turned against me, my best friend is to stuck up his girlfriends butt to care and he has betrayed me so deeply and ignored me for his girl that i dont even matter anymore. The girl that i last wrote about the one that im so in loe with, just told me that some thing i say hurt and annoyes her but i have not found out what it is quite yet. i would and will do anything for this girl, she means everything to me and i can't wait til i can hold her in my arms and tell her that i love her and hear the words come back to me, and not through tear her say i have to go. i feel so lost and that no one understands me but that she is the only one i can talk to and she tells me that she still cares for me and i truely believe that she really does, but im not sure if she just dosent know what to do, see there she pretty much hates my mother, who has always seem to act like she doesnt trust us and that this girl im writing about is does not mesure up to what my mother wants or what ever she feels. i havent ate or slept in the past 2 and a half weeks or atleast not much. To the girl that im writing about if you every end up reading this i want you to know that i dont know where i or you are at the time of you reading this, but that i will do anything for you at any time all you have to do is ask, you are second to no one and always deserved better then i could ever offer, so all i could offer is my heart and you will always have a key to it, i wish that you could know this and know that this is all true and that you are SO amazing and that i hope that in the end, i think we are suppose to be together, but if we arent the i hope you find a guy that makes you as happy as you did when i saw you look and me and simle at me, and i hope that he makes you feel as good as you have and still make me feel when i hear your laugh come through the speakers of my phone. thank you for everything you helped with and for all the things you started and for really being there even after all of what happend between us and for proving that you do, in your heart really still care for me enough to let me blow off steam and tell you how helpless i felt about my life at this given point. thank you for being the girl that was in the little reflection on my eye. thank you, thank you, thank you so much i love you and i always will. P.S. if you are reading this in the next 2 weeks or so please keep a good friend of mine in your prays his dad just died of a heart attack this morning and it is really hard on my friend. thank and god bless

So, right now im at the end of a relationship, it just finished yesterday, but here is the thing, I still love her the same as the day it started. We both still care about each other so much and we aren't sure what to do, i'm not sure how much we can talk now that we are not together. i would give anything to be with her, but i dont know what to do. I dont want to hurt her, i just want to hold her in my arms again. she means the world to me, and i wish she new that, and i think that she does she just doesn't know who true it is. so im not sure what to do. i'm really just writing this for my own sake. i believe that everything that happens in life has a purpose, and she has helped me start so many things that i need to start and stop so many things i need to stop.