And I know I'm dead inside, I'm reminded every night.

Share The Sunshine Young Blood - Emarosa

Forming opinions always causes random tangents to go off in my head until I overthink everything. Thinking too much makes me withdraw into my own little world. Losing myself in daydreams like that; it's becoming harder to come back to reality. It's developed into a worrying pattern that I don't really even want to change. Maybe the lack of motivation is the more problematic part of it. September is shaping up to be a good month, music-wise. Listened to new songs from Saves The Day and Thrice's albums that are due out September and they're great! Especially impressed by the Thrice song I heard, considering how disappointed I was by Thrice's last album, Beggars.

Don't cry, we all make mistakes from time to time,

Unfortunately for me, being me was mine.

Another Sad Song - Lower Than Atlantis

So I'm 18 but I haven't actually drunk any alcohol yet. Or gambled or... something else you can only do once you turn 18. Haven't wrote in here because what is there to say? I went back to college and got kicked out around my birthday because I had more time off because I started having panic attacks and felt like I couldn't leave the house. They told my mum I can go back next year but I don't know what to do. I don't know what to be. My mum doesn't know what to do with me. I always thought by 18 I'd be getting ready to go to uni, ready to move forward, but I'm so badly stuck here. The only friends I have are a few internet friends who live hundreds of miles away. The only thing I do is read books. I don't even listen to music much any more and I've no idea why not. I know I said it's not agoraphobia, but I've recently realised it could be. I mean, I can't remember the last time I left the house. To go to the counseller I think but I can't see her any more because I'm 18 and therefore an adult. I don't know how to get help at all. I don't have anyone to talk to. I read somewhere about social anxiety, but I just thought that was just a mild thing or an umbrella term, but a lot of the symptoms correlate with what I feel. It suggested CBT - cognitive behavioural therapy - but with the NHS being what it is currently, will I really be able to get something like that for free? Because we sure as hell can't pay for it. I dunno, just don't know what to do. And this is why I never update this thing any more, it's too depressing and whiny. I'm genuinely not attention-seeking, I'm just venting. Doesn't matter.

Consider this, he was moving on

While she was busy trying to pass the time

Between the previous and next nervous breakdown

The girl had given up the love of her life.

Settle Down - Cartel

The not dreaming thing didn't last long, I had an odd dream about being in a group of superheroes the other day. I could fly. Someone else could read minds. There was a hot tub involved. It was pretty epic. Anyway, I have some 'goals' to work towards apparently. According to my counsellor, by Monday, I'm meant to have got a job, applied for college next year, applied for a provisional driving license and booked driving lessons. I doubt it'll happen, as I can't be arsed to get a job and don't even need the money, and I can't decide between English language or English literature and photography or sociology. Can't think of a terrible excuse for the provisional, but I will not budge on the job issue, and I hate my dad for even putting the idea of sociology in my head because I was pretty taken by photography before, dammit.

Music-wise, I've fallen madly in love with Andrew McMahon. Again. Again, again. I know. Jack's Mannequin are one of the best bands around, especially lyrics-wise. Something Corporate were fantastic and very underrated, and I would have to say that Konstantine is one of the best written songs in existence. I'm so glad they're back together, and I can't wait for a new album. From either band actually. But it's his battle with leukaemia at age 23 that catches your eye. 'The Lights and Buzz' is a beautiful song and the 'It's good to be alive' line really hits you hard. Wow, in a rant-y mood today, apparently. I blame the fact that it's 6AM and I'm still awake... Also, seriously SongMeanings, fuck you for the not-being-able-to-edit-journals thing. That's been broke for how long now?

So, so far from home

In need of your voice

To lift my lonely state of mind

Hollow Crown - Architects

I've stopped dreaming. It's weird, I've been having really freaky dreams lately and they've just stopped. I'm proper disappointed, I'd just started a dream journal because of them and everything. I left the house for counselling recently. Hadn't seen my counsellor since November. I don't think counselling helps me anyway, I'm not a big fan of telling a random person all my problems, not that she can help me anyway. Anyway, I met a friend after and we were talking for hours, I hadn't seen her since results day last year. She was updating me on what all the pricks from school had been up to at college. It's kinda weird to see that life still goes on for other people when you've lost all hope for yourself. Or something... I recently realised great Anthony Green of Circa Survive. He's been in something like 8 bands, and his solo work is amazing. His voice is just so unique.

And I'll wear glass shoes and plastic wrap.

No, I'll just wear my insides, yeah.

You want to know who I really am?

Yeah so do I, yeah so do I.

See You - Saves The Day

Haven't wrote in here in ages. I remember when I wrote practically daily. And now I have nothing to write about. All I do these days is reflect. I don't have anything else to do. At least I don't feel the need to be 'deep' in these entries anymore. It's great when you realise how much you exaggerate, even to yourself. When you tell everyone else something so much that you start to believe it yourself. Sometimes I wonder what I've actually made up and convinced myself of. And how I'm meant to find out what's real...

So, I'm 17 as of last month. Meant to be learning to drive but for some reason, I fear leaving the house now. It's not agoraphobia, unless agoraphobia is characterised by a severe lack of self-confidence and the fear that someone will laugh at you/talk about you when you enter into a social situation that isn't with your immediate family. I couldn't even manage to drag myself downstairs when my cousin who I rarely see turned up. Oh well, I digress. Isles & Glaciers are amazing. I knew I'd love them as soon as the line up was revealed, and I'm happy to find that I'm not too disappointed. And on an unrelated note, I can't stop listening to old Thrice. Why they had to get so acoustic-y and soft, I have no idea. Wonder when my next post will be...

She cries herself to sleep, my dear, there's no need to weep.

This story's always been told, you've got a heart of perfection.

When you walk into a room everyone's eyes fixed on you.

Everyone wants you, but nobody can have you.

And this I ask of you: When you look in the mirror do you shield your beauty from your eyes? Because I can see it all the time.

Even In Heaven They Carry Switchblades - Luke Pickett

This is the biggest depression of my life so far. I've quit college because I can't stick to commitments, not that I get the chance to enter into many these days. I've no clue what I'm gonna do until September. Doesn't matter. I listen to way too much Say Anything lately. And, also, Blue October. And while we're at it, Manchester Orchestra.

The drugs don't seem to work

And they've got a padded room for you

To get your just desserts.

I And I - Bayside

So I deleted all my previous entries because I got annoyed you can't edit them. I was gutted cos it went back to '07 I think. Oh well. Hi there, I'm 16 and I love music. I live in England and I'm not one for sleeping during the night. That's about all you need to know.