i'm such a fucking sadistic sad fucking person. i had the worst fucking dream last night and i hate myself so fucking hard for it. i dreamt that steven was wearing the tux he wore to prom, but he was also lying in a casket with it. i approach the casket in a bleeding red dress, with one of those black lace widow caps on. i turned my head to the left and closed my eyes, and when i looked back in the casket, it was his skeleton, with maggots and beetles and worms and all kinds of things crawling in and out of it. i tried to scream, but couldn't. those are super duper the worst types of dreams. i was jolted awake by loud thunder, and yelling. not loud, it was more of a raspy yell, anyways. steven jerked awake and asked me what was wrong..... i didn't tell him because i didn't know. i didn't remember the dream. i was just shaken up. this is where it gets fucking weird. i was in the bathroom between 1st and 2nd period, just chillin in the corner by myself and that's when it fucking hit me. like a ton of fucking bricks. i closed my eyes and i was there again. i couldn't scream. nobody could help me and i swear i thought i was dead. i woke up on the floor, curled up in a ball. i was crying. i've never cried that hard before, not when Kelsey died, not when Mike died, not when nobody died or anything happened. I was choking on my own oxygen and i was in convulsions. ugh, i felt like Emily Rose. have you ever seen that movie? shit's scary. really. i went to the office and told them i had the good ol diarrhea so they sent me home. steven came and picked me up..... i still haven't told him. why? because i have these crazy premonition dreams. i really do. i know, a lot of other people have it too, it's so insane. but i feel like a freak. steven's at work now, and i miss him so unbearably bad. god, i'm scared. i really am. it sounds really silly, i do. but i'm SO FUCKING SCARED. i don't know how else to make it convincing that i'm really worried about this, and i have a reason to be. when sarah died, or when we were about to find out, we were all in church. it was me, kari, olivia, maggie (my sister) and the hogans. i had my head on the pew when i jerked up suddenly and said, "something really bad is going to happen tonight, i can feel it." not less than 20 minutes later, karla came in and told us about the bad news. about the wreck. maggie wasn't in the room, so when she saw me crying she just hugged me and didn't let go. the preacher just sat down and tried to give us reassuring advice, but fuck that and FUCK HIM. fuck man! she was so fucking young. i don't understand. you fucking move on and forget about people but i never will forget that night and i never will forget her. oh god, it hurts so bad. i've lost so many FUCKING FRIENDS. why? what the fuck is this shit? if there's such a fucking nice god then why does he do this, i don't fucking understand and i know it's cliche to ask that but i DONT. I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND AND I WISH THERE WERE FUCKING ANSWERS BUT THERE'S NOT. THERE'S NO FUCKING ANSWERS AND THERE'S NEVER GOING TO BE. THERE';S NO FUCKING HEAVEN AND THERE'S NO FUCKING HELL. WHEN YOU DIE YOU FUCKING DIE AND THAT'S IT. END OF FUCKING STORY. i am so unhappy. i really am, i am such an unhappy person. sure, i love my friends, i do! and steven, steven is my fucking life, man. i would do anything for him and i love him with everything i've got. i love steven more than life, i really do. he makes me happy, and i was riding on sunshine for about 4 months........ but here comes the unhappiness, trotting along behind me. it's going to catch me soon, and there i'll be, sad and drugged up like the rest of the nation. going to therapy every thursday when i just fucking LIED TO THAT BITCH SO SHE'D GET HER SATISFACTION AND HER MONEY AND SHUT THE FUCK UP. she wasn't a bad person, reallly, i just thought she was too nosy. i don't want to be like this. i can't stand big loud crowds, i get sick and i get really choked up. i can't stand being a lone for too long or i get stuck with my thoughts and go crazy. i can't fucking be satisfied, ever. i really can't. there's no such thing as satisfaction, to me. i'm OCD about anything and everything. I'm a perfectionist, but i'm lazy so i just feel like complete shit when i cant get something just just just right to my "satisfaction" i needed to vent. i NEED TO FUCKING VENT. this isn't working anymore. why? because i cant even fucking be "satisfied" with my only place to go to vent. SHO;EIGH0EJRGJKBV;KL J;DFLKGJ SDKGJ LDJGSL;J=0395TJEJM94 5Y8IGHOJSDFKL NWHY AQ38TH=TEG FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCICFFUCK UFCK FUFCKF U FUCK FUC UFKCFU FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK AOGFHADIFJBNAIPEUGFNPAUIHGPIAUHGTA89W :(

i've had an... interesting couple of weekends. interesting as in i've met more people in the past month than i have probably in my lifetime, haha. there's the 27 year old guy, who was addicted to heroin for 5 years and went to prison for 7 with 5 kids who wants to get with my best friend. there's his 19 year old girlfriend who, honestly, is so much cooler than him. there's that one gangster guy, didn't catch his name but he sure was cute. there's the guy who looks like the chubby kid from Superbad and says a lot of show-offy gay things like him. there's the fat emo back chick with the drugs. there's the two people who are dating each other, but each cheated on each other in front of me unknowingly. they both work at hardees. there's those three guys who don't really mean anything to me at all. and then there's me.

this weekend. oh lord. this fucking weekend. it was the worst weekend i've had in awhile but it was also fantastic. fucking glorious. so many good laughs, so many hugs, so many nights walking around downtown when it's POURING, high out of our minds and not caring who gives a fuck. let's start at the beginning. Thursday was an mind-shattering day. I want to tell the story casually but I don't know if I can. Steven and I both decided to go to Subway in Montgomery City, which is like 15 miles away from my house. And since I live in the country, you have to go down a main road to get there... On the way back, it was me in the driver's seat and Steven in the passenger. We were enjoying a comfortable silence when he suddenly grabbed my leg and said, "did you see that? turn around!" He sounded more curious than scared so I was like, kay. But I immediately regretted it as soon as I swung the car around and the headlights settled on the...mess in front of us. It was a car. But it wasn't a car. It was half of a car. And upside-down. I never seen the bottom of a car before....it looks so..fake. I hope I never see the bottom of one again. As soon as I seen the car that was flatened like a pancake, I felt sick to my stomach. We pulled in to the gravel road it was by and Steven jumped out of the car before I even stopped. I took off my seatbelt and opened my door but I couldn't get out. My legs were rocks and my heart was playing a fuckin blastbeat drum solo. I felt sick and hot and dizzy. Time seemed to slow down. I couldn't believe that I was seeing this again. This time, I know it's rude and selfish, but this time I was hoping my best friend wasn't dead inside. Steven ran directly to the neighbor's house.. and I finally pulled myself out of the car. I shakily grabbed my cellphone and dialed 911. I gave them all the information I could. No, I don't know if anyone is in the car. No, I can't tell what kind of car it is. Yes, I can wait here until you get here. My name is Kim. Here is my cellphone number. Please Hurry. "Hello! Hello!" I said, "is anybody in there? Is anybody alive in there? Hello!" Nothing. Silence. Back-breaking, heart-shattering silence. I got sick and threw up in the ditch. I was wiping my mouth off when I thought I had heard a knock. I ran closer to the car but nothing happened. "Hello?" A faint knock. "Are you in there?" It gains momentum. "Hello! Hello! Are you okay?" It gains volume. "We're getting you help! Please, please stay still. Please don't fucking die. We're getting help. I called the ambulance." The knocking continues till it seems to envelope my ear drums. "Please, everything is okay. The ambulance is coming. I called 911. You're gonna be fine. Please, it's gonna be okay." Before I could barely finish my sentence, I heard a loud, on-going moan come from the field nearby the car. Oh god, i thought, there's someone else? I don't know what to fucking do. Where the fuck is Steven? I can't do this by myself. I'm weak and I'm sick. I'm not brave enough. "Hello? Is there someone in the field?" "Help," I heard so so softly, "my back. My back, it hurts. I can't mo--" I panicked. "Hello? HELLO!? HELLO!! oh god Hello?! Please say something. Tell me where you are. Help me. Please tell me where you are. Don't you fucking die either! We're getting help now! Please stay alive!" Steven, and the ambulance, arrived as I was desperately yelling into a cornfield. I was so caught up in everything, I started crying. I didn't even know these people, not one clue who they were. I told the ambulance guy that there was at least one person in the car and someone in the field. I wanted to stay, oh how I wanted to stay but they made us leave. The weirdest thing was, after everything had happened, after the story had been told to Josh and Joe, my sister, Mom and Mike and my grandparents, me and Steven went upstairs. We didn't say anything but we didn't need too. We then proceeded to have the best love-making sesh known to man. The next morning I woke up, my mom told me the girl in the cornfield had broken her back, she's already moving her head and arms, but not her legs. I asked her about the woman in the car. She said they didn't find anyone in there. The girl in the cornfield was the only one who was driving in the car. I then proceeded to cry again. Now Friday. This is a complete change of mood. Ready? After school, we went to Stef's house to see if her boyfriend (who had turned 21 the day before) would buy us alcohol, haha. When we pulled up, though, Travis (her boyfriend) was sitting in the car and we heard screaming coming from the house. Travis said that Stef's aunt had called Travis' parents and told them that she's only 15, and Travis got pissed and was threatening to break up with Stephanie. Stephanie storms out of the house with her aunt and Carla following after her. She hops into OUR car and tells us to burn the fuck out so we were like uhh.. okay. haha. We ended up getting Everclear which is, if you didn't know, 95% alcohol. I only needed 2 shots and I was drunk already. It tastes so utterly gross, though... So we went up to Mexico and hung out at Josh and Joe's house until they got off work. Not alot happened there, me and Stephanie got high and watched Old School while Steven slept. Then Josh got off worrrrk early so we then proceeded to get drunk, high, and then we snorted percocets and vicodin which was the craziest thing i've ever felt....it doesn't last long enough though. too bad, too sad. Saturday: Went to work with a hangover, but in a suprisingly fantastic mood. I had such a good time there. Plus I got hella tips :) Steven picked me up from work and then we headed off to Columbia, which is about an hour and 20 minutes away. We got lost like hella but I had a good good time :) It was raining, but we didn't give a fuck. We parked about a mile of our destination and walked down the street. The Mizzou football game was on, I think, and sooo many drunk people in the streets yelling "MIZZOU! MIZZOU! FUCK YEAHHHHHH!!!" One girl even walked (stumbled) up to me and was like "Hey! M-I-Z..." and then she pointed to me so i was like "o-u?" and then she screamed gleefully and hugged me. Then she realized I spelled it wrong and threw her beer on me. Hahaha. But she apologized immediately and hugged me again. So, all is well I guess? Two homeless guys asked us for money. The first guy didn't really ask, he just kind of demanded so we were like uh, no. The second guy seemed really sad, and said that all he needed was a dollar for a sandwich. Steven said no, but I gave him a 5. That shit tugs on my heartstrings so bad. I ran back to the other homeless guy and gave him all my change which probably added up to at least 3 bucks. He was happy and asked for a hug, but I just kinda awkwardly laughed and was like "ohhh, no, anything for an old friend!" and then walked away quickly. Haha. We went to this skateboard/tattoo/piercing shop and bought a cute little pipe and a cleansing drink (Steven has to take a drug test tomorrow) and the guy at the register was so hitting on Steven. I thought it was cute though cause he was super hot :P We then proceeded to buy probably 15 records, for about 6 bucks and then a pack of juicy fruit:) Then we bought a quarter of nugs for 50, which is pretty expensive, but it was so worth it. Oh my. We went to Josh and Joe's house after that in Mexico and smoked that shit UP. Steven was kinda pissed since he couldn't smoke, but he wasn't grouchy or anything. We went down to this sports bar and played a coupple games of pool, and then got kicked out. I lost two bowls of weed, a lighter and 32 cookies to Josh, though. hahah. He's such a hustler. We walked back in the rain. it was so amazing. I kept jumping in puddles and then they just picked me up and threw me in one. It was cold but it was so perfect. When we got home, me and Josh smoked again. Wowww. I was so blazed.. I grabbed the keyboard and started playing drum beats on it. Steven had the electric guitar in the amp and Josh had an acoustic guitar. It sounded tight. Or, at least to me and Josh it did. hahaha. We left almost as soon as Joe got home because I really needed to pass out. I had two shots of Everclear and then we smoked 2 percs. I didn't feel so well but I tried to act like I did, haha. We had to pull over twice so I could throw up, but I think Steven secretly likes taking care of me when I'm drunk since I don't let him do it when I'm sober :P The weirdest part of the whole weekend, I think, is when we got to my house (I live at least 10 miles from the nearest town, 50 from the nearest city.) someone pulled in right behind us. His buddy was passed out in the seat and he needed directions how to get back to Jefferson City. The thing that sucked was, it was dark, raining, he was drunkkk and at least 100 miles away from Jeff City. At first he asked us to show him where I-70 was, which wouldn't be that bad, it's only like 20-30 miles away, but we didn't have enough gas so we drilled the directions into him over and over, and then finally just wrote it down. At one point, he got out of the car to go pee and just happened to stumble right into me and grab my boob. Hahaha, I wasn't really mad, but I just hoped Steven wouldn't get mad and like, kick him onto the road without any help, but he just laughed and helped him up :). Anyways, in exchange for giving him directions he gave us probably a 20sack of weed, and it's some fireeee fucking shit! It's from J. City man! I felt bad smokin it right in front of Steven but he asked me to test it out. Mmmm baby! And now today: we woke up and decided to go to Middletown to get some gas. the road we took was SUPER fucking flooded, we got out and walked through it to town (which wasn't even a mile away) and the current was so strong. At one point it was up to my waist and i was just holding on to a Street sign for survival. Haha, it was so fun though. Then we found a baby mole and put it back somewhere safe. I think me and Steven should go like, into an animal rescue business, because we've rescued 5 cats now, over 20 turtles, 2 dogs, 3 puppies, a baby deer and now a baby mole. It's fun though. I lovelovelove it. I love everything. Yay for love. :) i'm so tired of typing. haha. jesus. remember, friends: Doing wrong is never right, but doing right is never wrong.

i can't believe it's been before summer since i've read anybody's (RosesAtSunset, mainly) journal. ah, the joy of ripping into somebody's mind and being a peeping tom on their thoughts. SPEAKING OF PEEPING TOMS. http://www.stopbirdporn.org/ lol, what THe FUCK, man?! shit's so fucked up. really. i had stuff to say but i cant remember now because i got too caught up in the nostalgia of Rose's journal. thanks, ash catch'em :D i don't know if i've said this before but check out the Pink Mountaintops. they're amazing in the shitty way. for real. i love my boyfriend, Steven. it wasn't a decision, it just happened. (i always thought it would be a decision?) and it's not like i woke up overnight desperately begging for him to be there. it slowly happened. i didn't fall in love. i tested the water with my toe and then slowly dropped in. and i think that that's the best way to do it. i love love and i love steven and i just love. end of. remember, friends: Far away is only far away if you don't go there...

last entry (which feels like ages ago) i said i had a lot to say. and i didn't type that much because steven pummeled (not ran! haha) down the stairs and i just clicked 'submit' and exited out really quickly. he likes to read my shit on the internet for some reason, haha. just the other day marked five months. five. jesus christ. it seems like two weeks. and i LOVE IT. and yeah, i'll admit, there IS so much to say. so much shit has happened but i don't have the heart or strength to type it. i feel so weak lately, it's terrible. i've taken up smoking black and milds (wine flavored only please) instead of weed. i got high today, though. and it was glorious. oh, so story time. gather 'round the circle, kids!! set scene: last night, cruisin around. me and steven (steven mostly) had this idea to take this really shitty shitty shake weed that steffy had (and it was over an ounce of it =\) and just lace it into her cigarettes so when she smoked them, she got a little buzz. (we were bored, hahaha.) so we drive by her house, and i see the light in her room is on and so i just jump through her window (it's a one story and it's connected to the porch) and i see she's not home. but her mom's friend, karly, is. karly sees me take the can that steffy usually keeps her weed in, and me not finding anything, i just threw it on the dresser and hopped back out the window. karly gets super pissed, calls me back into the house and asks what i take. she goes offoffOFF on me. so terribly bad... but she's NEVER done that before, ever, so i figured somethign had to be wrong. now, karly knows we toke, and has even lit up with us before so that's not what i was worried about (even though i didnt take anything.) she tells me to fuck off and not come back anymore.. i was a little upset, i'll admit it. so the next day at school i tell stephanie the story, she didn't seem too worried about it and told me that her and her boyfriend had just broken up the day before and she had gotten surgery that day. so i was like, oh okay. then after school we all go over to stephanies house to get high, and karly's still there (she lived with her boyfriend so..), at first she's upset that i'm there, asked steffy if i told her the WHOLE story, and stephanie kinda went off on her. karly starts crying, saying she went to her boyfriend's house and he beat her up, for the third time. stephanie shows no remorse or pity and gets on the phone and walks out of the room (there were other drama mamas calling her, shit was so crazy.) and then karly starts crying massively and apologizing to me profusely... i say it's alright, it's fine, no big deal (which it really wasn't.) and i sat down next to her and she just cried on my shoulder. i don't know karly well enough to have been that comforting to her, but, we've gotten drunk and high together so i figured there could be some connection there, haha. she tells me she just can't press charges on her boyfriend. i knew she didnt wanna talk about it so i just fetched her another beer and packed a bowl. but when we got high it just got worse. she kept talking and talking about killing herself. we had to like, keep on suicidal watch and wouldn't allow her in the bathroom by herself. that was a real buzz killer, but i feel like i care so much more for her now. and also, she made up a pretty badass word: highpolar. hahaha. it's like, when you're high and you get really moody and then forget about it ten seconds later and join in the conversation fun zone. it was so funny then... now it only seems a bit amusing. almost pathetically funny. sigh. school's alright, to be honest. my hardest class is pre-algebra, because i am a terribly jellybean at math. oh lord, if only i was blessed with math skills instead of....well, if only i was blessed with math skills. all of the teachers are okay, i think i'm on a pretty good term with most of them, and the one i wasn't on with (he gave me a detention the second day!) i saw a street sign with his name on it that weekend, and took a picture of it and showed him, and ever since then we've been cool, hahaha. things are impeccably perfect between me and steven. it's so crazy. but i don't want to rant on and on about him and myself because sometimes it annoys me when people do it on here. there's so many decisions to make pretty shortly here. it's gonna be a long weekend, i can tell you that. and not long in the way that's good because school seems so far away, but long in the way that i'm going to miss what i have to decide for or against. i'm sure that doesn't make sense to anyone but me, but oh well. oh! one last thing. lately the two books i've been looking for were Lolita by (some russian writer, vladimir bolkov or something like that) and Ham on Rye by Charles Bukowski (courtesy of Quit_Lollygagging :)) and i've checked four libraries for each and neither had them. then at work last saturday, we always have free books in the coffee shop, and when i was cleaning up, i just happened to look to the left of me and by golly, there was Lolita! I'm so utterly happy. i also took another one called Nymphos and Other Maniacs, which is pretty good so far. They're both pretty old-time books, which means they have a lot of words i don't understand... and Lolita was written by a russian, so obviously there's a lot more explaining than necessary. sorry for the unbearably long paragraphs. those always look so intimidating to me, so i tried to make them more friendlier. haha. cheers.