well well well. the business is kicking off very delightfully. we've made about 400 bucks in two days. yeah, doggy dog. i hung out with kids i haven't hung out with since the beginning of the summer. .....it was a lot more fun at the beginning of the summer. they seem so... boring? now.. i dunno. it's fucked up. they all used to be my best friends (although one still is) and now i feel so.. different from them. they seem fake , tbh. posing ass ho's. and you all look stupid smoking cigarettes, rofl. i think tobacco is the nastiest thing ever. remind me to never start smokiing. thanks. i was in Hannibal last weekend and it was a fucking blast, man. my dad took me up there and he went to go to a concert, or something like that, so i was alone at the hotel. i decided to go swimming and there was like, 10 mexicans in there, hahaha. i avoided them for like 20 minutes but then i finally struck up a conversation. they invited me back to their room for a celebratory Jay, and then bought some smirnoff cocktails, rofl! it was fun though, even though only one of them spoke english! their girlfriends/wives/whatever came out and started speaking to me in spanish and i was just like "mm-hmm, haha, yeaaah." and they just all started laughing at me. apparently they had asked me where i got the shirt i was wearing. ha. i don't really have anything else to say, haha. steven got a job at this flower shop/landscaping place. it's 14 hour days at 8/hour, though. 7-9 is gonna suck though. and then they go on trips on the weekends and work like 30 hours in two days. garrrrr. school starts super soon. i dont think im ready for it yet. :(

my sister bitched to me today about how shitty her life is. her boyfriend broke up with her. so she hooked up with one of her ex-boyfriends that night. boyfriend 1 gets pissed and tries to beat him up. one of them gets put in jail. her words: I get the short end of every fucking twig on like, a willow tree. Fuck my life. i love my sisters but they thrive on drama, me thinks. i'm enveloped in loneliness. i swear i'm going to fucking grow up to be a crazy cat lady. i'm gonna be one of those ladies who go out and then come back at night, gather my cats into one room and tell them how my night went. wahoo. haha. my aunt is moving in with me so i'm not like, taken in by the government or something. i dunno how that shit works but i don't want to move. i'm listening to African Chants. they are so cool... the artist is called Insingizi. check it. it's time for me to shower. i've got a hot date tonight. :) i'm just trying to make myself happy...

i don't know what day it is, but my birthday's coming up soon! hahaha. i think it's tuesday but fuck a ho if i'm right. last night me and steven got high and shot off fireworks. it was cute. and then we smoked another bowl and listened to Shpongle. it was so utterly amazing. we just layed on his hood, looking up at the moon in each other arms. by the way, if you check out Shpongle, get Are You Shpongled? it's so trippy. and in the good way. i swear i lived that shit! he spent the night but i had no desire to have sex with him. that usually happens when i'm high, really. i don't know why i'm saying this. i wouldn't even tell my best friends this. oh well. so apparently this reverend guy dressed up as a hobo and had a cup and syringes and sat in front of his church. he said he was disappointed with how many people ignored him and/or were bitter towards him. i think he's a fucking douchebag. no matter how "christianly" you are, if you see a guy in tattered clothes, probably drunk, with SYRINGES, you will probably turn a blind eye. it's nice to help, but sometimes there's just a danger area you shouldn't get involved with. i think maybe he shouldn't be so disappointed. i think that, maybe, he went about it the wrong way. and i think maybe i feel sorry for his congregation because i bet you a whole 5 dollars that they got lectured in his little testimony/speech whatever you call it. grown people! adults! getting lectured for not helping! i can just imagine it. "the bible says help thy neighbor (im not sure if it says that, haha), but all of you, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU, ignored me, that poor hobo out there! repent! repent and be saved! the power of christ compels you!" i dunno. maybe he was less of a douchebag irl. anyways.

chicago is so fucking glorious. oh my god. i love it so much. it is so overwhelmingly beautiful in a totally fucked up way. i need society. i love people. Modest Mouse is my new favorite band. Little Motel is my new favorite song. check out We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank. it's my life atm. more about chicago. i have pictures from there. and everytime i look at them my stomach gets tighter because, even though i just got back last night, i miss it so very much. walking around downtown at night when everything seems so perfect and well put together. when everything seems so lively and amazing! i stayed out until the sun rose just walking around with my sister and loving life to my heart's extent. i was so unbearably happy. and now i come home to this empty house with empty promises of my mom coming home. to empty promises of my sister staying with me. she went back to indiana to live with her boyfriend. mike checked in for a few minutes and gave me some money. i'm not a fucking charity case but i guess it's nice to be able to go grocery shopping without steven paying for everything. i've been lying a lot and i think i'm ready to let people in because i'm running out of lies, or i can't tell the difference between my lies and my truth. or my lies and my lies. nothing is true to me anymore. i'm tired of being let down and i know this is just teenage angst but i'm starting to accept these feelings because there isn't an end in sight. i have a confession. but i'm not ready.

i set up a tent in my backyard to get away from things. it's supposed to fit a family of 16, so it's huge, although i don't know anyone with a family of 16... so i'm living in there. clever, huh? it's hot and sticky and rains at night, but i'd rather take a mildew-y bed than a house that is unbearably silent with pain seeping through the cracks in the walls. i can't stand this anymore. tonight is my last night to get fucked up for a week or so. i am so addicted but i don't want help. i love drugs. i love everything about drugs. i hate myself when i'm not on drugs. i wanna get high. i wanna get drunk. i wanna roll. i wanna get FUCKED UP. my weed stash ran dry yesterday. i didn't freak out as bad as i thought i would... i know i said i'd stop, but i've been getting high ever since. it's the cocaine and ecstasy that i stopped and i can't function. literally. i hate everything and everyone. i'm bitter. i'm moody. i snap so easily. fuck i hate this so much. steven told me he loved me. we were both incredibly high though. i don't think he meant it... god. i hope he did. i just want his attention and affection and i'll live and breath and die off of it. i've never been in love before. (who falls in love at the age of 14?) i asked my mom that once. she said it wasn't impossible, but it was highly unlikely. i think she thinks i love steven. i think i think i love steven. i think i love steven. i might love steven. nah. i don't. hahaha. wow. i really don't. that boy really is amazing though. i don't know what i'd do without him. he controls me in all the right ways. he hinders me when i get too out of control. he cares about me. he cares about me. not like you, you dirty fuckers. he cares about me! he loves me! steven loves me! :) i think i'm going crazy,...

lucine amara. i think that's the most beautiful name ever. i'm going by that now. i'll find a new obsession later. "in the end everything will be okay. if it isn't okay- it isn't the end." there's not a lot to say, really. i'm have withdrawals and i've begun to hate myself. fuckyouallgodfucking DAMNIT. sorry/