So here we go again, happy, yes? I think I am under my circumstances... I love you... I really can't think about much more, today was a fun day, all the madness, the nostalgia. But I still miss you.

Take yes as an answer. Please... What the fuck does that mean?

Talk about cathartic. Now that the movement has begun, freedom... Looks like I'm a few runs up the ladder. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! Calm down... Just relax, you're okay now.

It's still flicking... I'm not a coward... But I think that been established? Has it? I mean I just said something... Right, 3 words and all of a sudden I'm better. I'm braver? I was beyond cynical, when it came to love, a complete load of shit, the crap in the movies. Yet I find myself here in a situation out of anything I'm used to.

Song #1: Lying Through Your Teeth - Head Automatica Your favorite lyric from this song: "Girl your love's so cheap" Does this song have any bad memories attached? Reminds me of an ex. What genre is this? Alternative Song #2: Breaking The Habit - Linkin Park What's the last line of this song? "I'm breaking the habit tonight" Have you ever seen this artist live? No, wouldn't mind though Who does this song make you think of? Me (selfish) Song #3: Away From The Sun - 3 Doors Down What's the first line of this song? "It's down to this" Where did you first hear this song? When I listen to the album. (2004/2005 when I got it) How about the first time you heard the artist? Back in 1999 'Kryptonite' Song #4: Wherever You Will Go - The Calling Which friend could this be a theme tune for and why? I have someone in mind Write down the chorus: "If I could Then I would I'll go wherever you will go Way up high Or down low I'll go wherever you will go" Why do you like this song? It just makes me smile Song #5: Americana - The Offspring What kind of film would you choose this as the theme for? Some kind of crappy road trip film Who introduced you to this artist? Just remember 'Pretty Fly For A White Guy' Best part of this song: Just the bits where it's "My culture's defined..." "My future's determined..." "My right's are denied..." Song #6: Sunspots - Nine Inch Nails The fourth line reads: "I forget I'm alive" How long is this song? 4:02 Is it one of your favourites? Yes it is Song #7: Pills, Demons & Etc - Velvet Revolver How long have you been listening to this artist? About a year What's the cover look like on the album this came from? It's a picture of a statue like figure breaking her chains inside a red circle with the band name and album written wround it What's this song about? Someone who uses drugs/alcohol to forget their problems Has your favourite song come up? Sunspots

A mixed bag of incosistancies The lights flicker on and off Nothing but his own head flicking To his own shaking hand It doesn't stop It won't go away Nothing makes it go away He can't stop it Then it goes dark Muddied vision A fallen hero Waking up from the American Nightmare Just wanting to go back asleep The nightmare was a blessing A blessing to this To this hell he lives in And all he wants Is a dream A dream that doesn't consume A broken bullet in the gun of life Misfired Backfired Trigger-happy A broken man Set aside Left for dead He stares at everything that brings him joy The pictures on the walls Screaming out his past His failures His hopes His desires His crimes His hate His love His faith His violent heart The gapping hole The ticking clock As each day passes He finds himself waiting for Waiting for? He forgot Eons ago His sight, his hearing, his sense of touch All gone Eons ago Only by scent Does he feel In this rubbish pile This cest pit This movement in white

"When I look into your eyes There's nothing there to see Nothing but my own mistakes Staring back at me" Funny how these two verses remind me of you. "Telling you is the Only chance for me There's nothing left But to turn and face you" They both are kind of downers, but they do. I can think of 25 negatives about me, but not 25 positives. Even if I did, I could write 'War and Peace' with the cons, the pros however would be a short free-verse poem. There is a moment between after the 4th vodka tonic where I hate what you do to me. I go back to what I was. Wanting to punch walls, hurt myself, to take that pain away. I love you. But sometimes. Sometimes... No, I can't say that, I love you too much. It's the old me screaming out, he one that wants you to hate me, to prove me wrong. The me I am sick of being, the one part of me that needs to be killed. But I need to have it, to remind me of who I was, to know where I am going is a safe place. A better place. I'm tired of hating the world. I don't have to embrace it, just to survive without it dragging me down would be nice.

Well I'm going to steal the "25 Things" thing from lucygray who stole it from Cest-La-Vie. 01. I have written (well I'm on) 11 journals (hence why some of these entries have started with Roman Numerals, just in case you actually read this stuff, just to understand) over the course of 18 months. And I have only let one person read any of them. 02. After each stage in life, I disconnect all ties with my friends. I have only kept in contact one friend (who I've known for over 10 years). 03. I have never been able to say 'I love you' to anyone (not to family, anyone), except you. 04. I'd like to think I'm fine without her, but deep down it is destroying me. 05. I get inspired to draw at the most inopertune times. 06. I only have two friends. I'd rather have two that I could count on, than a million that would trade me in, in and instant. 07. I can't ride a bike. 08. I have started a project of mine called 'Broken Bullet' about six years in the making. I've started the final chapter of the first part. 09. I believe when I finish this chapter, I'm going not bother with it at all. 10. I don't smile, except when I laugh. 11. I have nagging thoughts about wanting to ruin peoples happiness. 12. I hate when people assume things about me, that are correct. 13. Every year in feburary I have severe case of artist's block, which lasts about three and a half months (just got my inspiration back a week ago). 14. I haven't had a proper conversation with my father in over five years now. 15. I believe 2009 will be my year to be happy. 16. I am at the stage in life where I can say I can live in my own skin. 17. I sometimes wish I could be like you, and love myself. 18. I have found that my anger gave me direction, but since opening up to you, healing myself. I've lost that focus, that drive that got me through. 19. I would give anything for you to love me, like I love you. 20. When I look at people I see nothing worth liking. 21. I built 'Broken Bullet' up as a love story, because I didn't think I'd have it. 22. I've learnt that being nice gets you nowhere except walked on. 23. I have an obsession with the number 23. 24. I would not change my past for anything. Everything happens for a reason, and I would not be here right now. 25. I feel that when I turn 21 in seven months I would look back on my life and hate everything that I am.

Funny I find being alone, a little more isolating than I had originally hoped for. Not that I don't mind it, I just find it a little lonely. But none of it really matters right? I'm in love... I am in absolute love... This is all I can think about, but I need to focus on my art. My masterpiece, my 'Broken Bullet'. I want nothing else than to continue 'Bullet'. So much for all.

Song #1: Dirty Magic - The Offspring Your favorite lyric from this song: "She's not so sweet today She mocks me I'm no fighter" Does this song have any bad memories attached? No, not that I can think of What genre is this? Punk rock Song #2: When The World Ends - Dave Matthews Band What's the last line of this song? "When the world is over we'll just be beginning" Have you ever seen this artist live? No, probably wouldn't Who does this song make you think of? Being with the one I love Song #3: Your Time Has Come - Audioslave What's the first line of this song? "Now one fell asleep in the street" Where did you first hear this song? Listening to the album the first time How about the first time you heard the artist? 2001? I always remember 'Like A Stone' Song #4: Points Of Authority - Linkin Park Which friend could this be a theme tune for and why? The chorus fits someone very well, an old friend, I also think this song fits me Write down the chorus: "You like to think you're never wrong (You live what you learn) You like to act like you're someone (You live what you learn) You want someone to hurt like you (You live what you learn) You want to share what you've been through (You live what you learn)" Why do you like this song? The beat, it just really makes me want to move Song #5: Black Heart Inertia - Incubus What kind of film would you choose this as the theme for? Haven't really listened to this enough to really figure that out Who introduced you to this artist? A friend was really into Incubus and lent me an album or two Best part of this song: Not too sure, I haven't listened to it enough yet Song #6: Thorny Thicket - The Submarines The fourth line reads: "Yes, you broke it apart" How long is this song? 3:30 Is it one of your favourites? It kind of is, at this moment Song #7: The Fragile - Nine Inch Nails What's the cover look like on the album this came from? Hard to explain it has a reddish flame like look cut off at the top with a black and white scratchy looking thing, it's really difficult to explain What's this song about? One of the only NIN love songs, how you'd do anything for the one you love, that she doesn't see herself how she should and is falling apart Has your favourite song come up? When The World Ends The Fragile