So another entry, it's been a little while, and right now my own mind is sorted out, my demons have checked out. The focus is back and my art must take a fore-front in my spectrum, it is the one thing I have left to hold onto. Concidering I can't have you... I don't mean it like that.

So the whole point is right now, the whole god-damn game has changed, you are different around me. I shouldn't have said anything. It's not like my head is any lighter now. You have changed, when you said it wouldn't...

So now it's all coming apart again. I'm not sure about it anymore. But right now, I really want you. I always want you. You are the only person in my whole life I've told that I love. In my whole life, so telling you knowing what was to happen, I knew what your response was. But I still did it, I needed to. You had to know what you're doing to me...

I've got a few of these to do, so just a small break from all my madness. Stole these from someone, I forget. Song #1: Life Of My OWn - 3 Doors Down Your favorite lyric from this song: "Feel no sorrow, feel no pain" Does this song have any bad memories attached? None in particular What genre is this? Rock Song #2: 1,000,000 - Nine Inch Nails What's the last line of this song? "I don't feel anything at all" Have you ever seen this artist live? Earlier this year. Who does this song make you think of? Morning after a wild party (second verse) Song #3: Words, Hands, Hearts - Yellowcard What's the first line of this song? "The whole world was sleeping" Where did you first hear this song? On the album 'Lights And Sounds' How about the first time you heard the artist? Back in 2003? (The song 'Way Away') Song #4: Anna Molly - Incubus Which friend could this be a theme tune for and why? Someone I really didn't to know well enough before we parted ways Write down the chorus: "I picture your face In the back of my eyes A fire in the attic Proof of the prize Anna Molly Anna Molly Anna Molly" Why do you like this song? It's just so damn catchy Song #5: The Warning - Nine Inch Nails What kind of film would you choose this as the theme for? Sci-Fi I suppose, especially if you know all about the Year-Zero concept Who introduced you to this artist? I listened to a cover of one song and then picked iup one of their albums Best part of this song: The second verse, where the guitar picks up Song #6: I'm Afraid Of Americans - David Bowie The fourth line reads: "They don't even just pretend" How long is this song? 4:25 Is it one of your favourites? The remix version is Song #7: It's Been Awhile - Staind How long have you been listening to this artist? 2/3 years What's the cover look like on the album this came from? It's a distorted image of a tree, in a blue tint What's this song about? I would say being able to forgive yourself, and moving on, Has your favourite song come up? 1,000,000 It's Been Awhile

I'm going to say something insane. More insane. I'm going to make you love me, like I love you. One day. I am so in love with you. I love you so much, and you'll never understand. I know what you said, but it doesn't make it any easier, everything. I have never felt this way about anyone, you are my 'Estelle' (you'll know what this means one day, I hope). The fact that I keep doing this over and over again. And all I can think of is you. My dear. I am madly in love with you, I've never said it to anyone. I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you... I never wanted to say this, but you are the reason I stay alive... I love you. LOVE... A-fucking-mazing. You love me, but not like that, right? I mean who would? Right? I have my catches and triggers. I have to love myself. And god-damn it I will, I have to pull no punches with myself. No biased opinion. I have to look at everything with an untouched mind. See all the pretty colors and faded lights. I have finally found my place in everything. I love you... Over and over you keep saying it. But it keeps bleeding... And soon enough none of this will matter. I want to say I'll move on, but I don't think I can... Because everytime I see you, I want to hold you, I want to kiss you (I'm a real hopeless romantic, emphasis on the hopeless).

Maybe doing the right thing was all going to do this to me anyway, right? I'm so twisted. I told you. I actually told you, I still kind of can't believe it, I'm in love with you. I love you so much, more than you'll know.

You're just fading, fading, fading the fuck away. And right now the blanking of everything is the worst. I just don't know what to feel about anything (except my constant) anymore. I keep replaying that moment in my head over and over again. Now I can't stand to be alone. But it allows me to... Something, at least...

You have changed the game today. You have proved something to yourself. However. Do you feel any differently? Has this helped you in any way? Have you replayed all the games. Do you want to build your time machine now? I just still can't believe I did it. I have done something. Something I'd never thought I would have done. That great leap of faith... I said it. I said it, and right now. I don't know what to feel. All knotted.

Yesterday I did it. I told her. I told her I was madly in love with her. She knew. From something I said the day before. She told me she loves me too. But I know not like that. It's like that song 'Whatever It Takes' the second verse. "She said if we're gonna make this work You gotta let me inside even though it hurts Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see She said like it or not it's the way it's gotta be You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me" Emphasis on the last line. I already knew what her response was going to be. I have to learn to forgive and forget. Oddly since then I've lost total focus, and direction.

My longing keeps inside my head. Being around you is all the fix I need. Just breathing the same air. Just standing next to you is all I really need. The fucking insanity in my mind is numbed off just enough. Just enough when I'm with you. Reciting the same lines over and over again. Like anything is oing to change, like I'll start denying this, ignoring it. Fending it off. It still haunt me. Taking a part of... A broken spectrum... Rewrite... Speak the words I haven't spoke... Like I'm going to do that any time soon. Would I be happy with you? Or am I building a stupid idea up in my head just to stop me falling over? You dragged me up, but you are the reason I fell so hard to the ground to begin with... I can't tell you my conflict. Funny enough, concidering against my better judgement I nearly gave you VIII unedited, with my heart and soul bled out on the pages... SOME THINGS ARE BEST LEFT HIDDEN. Locked away. Burried.