I could care less about the people in my life... I've come to this conclusion, the whole looking back on everything, if I died today who would attend my funeral? (Try it yourself, think who really would come.) All I could come up with: My Mom My Maternal Grandafather A few friends Between me and my father I wouldn't go to his, I'd dance on his grave sooner than talk to him...

I'm kinda glad this year is nearly over. Not like I really forget the last year but... So I started drinking again, in private, I have to caps of vodka in every glass of whatever I'm drinking just to get through the days know. I'm not getting drunk from it, I need my functionality to get through the day, no one knows I'm doing this. I just have so many voices in my head I need to drown. I have an exam tomorrow as well and I'm going to totally fuck it up and in turn I'm going to fuck up my life... Like it matters. This has been my fifth glass today and right now I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want to lie in the dark alone again, not like every other god damn night, that is when the voices hurt the most. That is when they fuck you up the most... 17 hours to go. And already another friday night on my own... $30 on vodka, cheaper than going out and not as irritating, however I really couldn't afford that, in reality I should have put that on my credit card, which I owe a shit load due to the fact I had to replace my iPod a few weeks ago and get some new shoes. I mean it all just happens at once. I contacted my father about a bit of help getting out of a hole, and what does he do call me a bastard and such, I mean I reached out and tried to contact so much could be said for him, I mean 5 years it will be in january since I've seen him, he's better off dead to me. Shit I'm so fucking tired and it's only quarter past 9...

After yesterday all I can feel is my back in stitches and my feet bleeding off the flesh. [EDITED] The morning is just dead in terms of completion, I will stay until it is done, finished, faded... Nothing else seems to make this go away, this idea... Must this continue down this route, down this stupid route, looking through the sending, broken throught the lies, the drawn, the times I've failed, the cost of living. The formation of everything that happens, the high cost of living, the low cost of life... This is my sins for the past 10 years (I think it's about 10, my demons have taken control) all the times that I've fallen, all of the times I've tried to get back up, and everytime I gave up... All the times I've let this get to me, like most of the time, I just have to fucking fight this shit... Not that it matters anyway... Broken, faded, forgotten... The sins... Of flesh... I want to break it up, I want to fuck it up... And I'm made of clay, the world just washes me away...

Yeah if it worked like that, maybe then it would all be fine... But nothing goes to plan, I've told this to you one hundred times more, but still I find no solace in that fact, nothing in the facts... You scared my demons away, my own fears, then again, my desires... All that I have from this is my demons my fears are reborn, along with a hate that I've never felt, a new sensation that feels like I never lived without it... That's what I was hoping for, the quick fix of my bullet holes. Like a band-aid over a slit throat. That is the kind of speed I'm hoping for, this might seem stupid, shit and insignificant. My own body hates me, that's nothing new, so... I have desires, some quite twisted some not so. But underneath all my layers that keep going and going it is kind of all I have. So happy? Becoming something else, I'm willing to compromise myself at every turn... Not like that matters anymore. Nothing like this matters anymore right? Nothing seems to matter as much really in the end... The whole factor of the sins of the father, my sins of the son. WE THE BARSTARD, THE SINS, AND THE HOLY SHITS. I know what I should do, to find my solutions my answers in this, this... Notice the lies that he told you, force yourself to remember, it's has to be the one thing you can never forgive... Nothing seems to fomr a new method in my mind, the line that I have crossed, drawn away. I have to fight off my voices the shear danger...