If... I had never met MR? I would be better friends with the rest of them. Might have planned to go to Spain, even. Not that I'd really want to, though. Don't really see the point. I might have a clothes and makeup obsession. For that, thank freakin god. I'd be trusting. I'd be less hateful. Less angry in general. I'd have better marks. Or at least I would have for last year. Which would have probably contributed to this year. Grade eight, years ago, would have been better. Grade ten would have been much better. Confidence would be present. Confidence would not be present. I might not be writing this. I had never met Matt? I wouldn't have gone through three years of pain and uncertainty. I wouldn't have had so much unrequited love. I would never have joined UF. I would have never met Paula and the rest of the grade 12s of '06. I would arguably never have met DR, or at least not for a while. And consequently, all members of OJ. That said, last year, without UF, I would not have had a purpose. I would not have a boyfriend right now, for certain. My past would be plain. For that, I won't innitial your name. You've helped me more than you'll ever know. Thank you, and I'm so sorry. I had never met Em? I probably would have moved to PH, or gotten much further with those plans. Which could have possibly been much worse. Or I might have just given up. A lot of my summer would have been pretty dull. Little comfort in UF. I might have been able to better concentrate on my studies, though. Hardly a fair trade nonetheless. I'd also be less miserable some days though, the days when I know he's going to leave for university, and I wonder what the fuck he's thinking, doing this to me. I had never met DR? I wouldn't have been on OJ last winter, and thus might not be going out with Em right now. Would have nothing to keep me going last winter. I wouldn't be as good friends with lots of people I know. Everything from January '07 to January '08 would be completely different. That whole thing with Matt in early grade nine wouldn't have happened. Basically, all last year would have been shit without her. She hardly knows it. I had never met RW? Another influential person, in a more subtle way. All too much in common, it seems, and it's depressing. She's feeling really misunderstood right now, and from what I can tell it's exactly what I went through last year. Except she's more like MR than she'll ever know, or that I'll ever tell her. Luckily not the worst parts of MR, just sometimes I'm talking to her and I know it, that they are alike. The last part of grade ten would have been different, she was great to hang out with, still is now but it's different. I sometimes feel as if I'm hanging with a younger version of myself. Except she's older. Weird. I had never moved to the area i live in now? I'd have finished with PP then gone on to VM or something like that...then no doubt ended up back at H. Where I'd probably meet a lot of the people who I'm friends with now...but it depends, I guess, on who I met along the way. You never know how people will influence you... I think it's great looking back on influential people and moments in life, wonder how things could have changed, would be different. Makes you appreciate the value of some people... and hate what others have done to you.

I wonder how you live with yourself More so how i was able to live with myself putting up with you Interesting, to note how many hate you, more so how many don't Blatant lies that we all believed, and why? To insist that there's a good side to everyone? Maybe on your heel where you were held to be dipped in the river of bullshit Good inside, perhaps I doubt he was that good, better you than me And yet some still take it, ensuingly talk about how deficient you are Why pretend? Call it now, heads up or turn tail Say it outright, like you would always admonish, But never did yourself. Or did, but never meant, and you will get what's coming Not yet, of course, you are too busy deceiving And are quite good at it, it would seem Your good fortune will run out one day, it is certain If only you'd had sense enough to be yourself You wouldn't be caught in your own web of lies, being slowly devoured By everyone you ever thought you'd wholly beguiled I wonder, do you know? Our backs will heal, but no doubt in the end yours will have too many daggers To heal an inch or reconcile What a waste of a life