At school I was sitting alone in the lobby. I didn't read anything. I didn't listen to music. And I didn't pretend to be texting. I just sat there, observed and tried not to cross my arms. A boy smiled at me and complemented on my shoes. There would have been no way for him to do so if I'd pretended to be busy! When I do that, it's usually because I feel uncomfortable being an outsider and I want to seem like I'm too busy to even notice. But doing just that makes it impossible for anyone to ease my outsiderness... I have seriously been shutting everyone out. Even if it was never my intention.

A few days ago I was feeling veeery down. I wrote a note on facebook about how bad it feels to be lonely, how I don't fit in when I'm with people and how I hate my life when I'm alone. I didn't post it because I didn't want people to think of me as an attention seeking, self-pitying teenager. But I did save it as a draft. The next night I got depressed again. I decided to post the draft for a few people to see because I just wanted to reveal to these people that actually I'm not at all what I pretend to be. I'm not normal. I'm not happy. I have always hidden my loneliness so revealing the truth even for a few people was a big deal for me. I published the draft and closed the computer. The following day I woke up late in the afternoon and went to the computer to see what people had responded. I was shaking nervous when I opened facebook. I had no comments. I didn't have any responses from anyone. At first I was disappointed and ashamed of myself, thinking it was a waste of time writing anything. But after spending the day thiking about the stuff I had "revealed" I realized that pretending to be okay might have been my worst idea ever. Obviously I know one should always be oneself, but I never believed it. I'm an intelligent person — I know for a fact that people don't like depressed people. I knew people wouldn't like me if I was my gloomy self so I kept it all to myself and put on a smile. What I didn't realize was that by pretending to be fine I shut everyone out. No wonder I ended up this lonely! So I decided to start a project. From now on I will try to be real. I'll try to stop being scared of everyone. I'll try to stop pleasing everyone. I can't possibly make myself more alone than I am right now, so what the hell. This is bloody scary for me but I think it's really important that I commit to this. Now how about some rules: 1. I will not hide the fact that I'm lonely. 2. I will not stop myself from saying something because I'm scared of how it might be taken. 3. I will not care if someone is wrong about me. 4. I will be more selfish when it comes to 'peopleships'. 5. I will forgive myself after I break these rules. This journal will be the place where I write how this project is going. If you want to ask me something or just say hi, here's my formspring. http://www.formspring.me/evia (No one has posted anything. Not even after I advertised it on facebook. That's how my life works.)

I feel like this journal is the only place for me to be myself in. I have 2 blogs that I run for entertaining others, 1 blog for criticizing things and a livejournal for keeping up with some friends. Facebook is like real life online (you know what I mean?) so there I have to keep acting as if I'm like everyone else. This journal doesn't have a purpose and I doubt people read this so I end up being ME. (Not playing a role is very rare for me.) Anyway. I ended up finding this blog tonight: thereshopeforallofus.blogspot.com I feel like every quote and picture there relates 100% to my life. I wanted to post them somewhere of my own and realized this is the only proper place for me to do that. So here you go. My life exactly - in picture format: