Wow...so I haven't written here in days well since Saturday..it's Tuesday now....heh yeah quite a while...i haven't had time....anyway I'm going to write about Monday first....uh so well Monday nothing really happened....oh yeah...uh..Ricardo asked me why I was crying on Friday..damn it...Jose must've told him.....but anyway what really surprised me was that...he must actually see me as a friend.....I mean I knew we were cool...but not like friends..friends....he asked me if anyone had beaten me up...which is pretty typical...it is high school after all....heh but what surprised me even more was when he said."Tell me so we can kick their ass." I was like WHOA...I mean seriously.....I didn't think they would seriously do something like that....at least not for me......but yeah that was pretty cool I guess....then English..nothing really happened...except well Sarah hadn't written back yet..so I thought she had just forgotten and she wasn't going to write back ever...so yeah i was discouraged...oh yeah I forgot..before I walked in the door...Sarah saw me..and decided to wait for me by the door just to give me a hug....which was pretty weird...but still I didn't care...that made me happy...I've missed her so much..god..I'd hug her any chance I got....so yeah anyway Cara seemed so tired that day....oh and yeah I thought Sarah had forgotten about my letter....anyway oh uh...4th Pd. I was worried because I hadn't done my DBQ....20 points off the next day..so I decided to do it that night...and at least get an 80 or so..lunch...oh yeah this time I was just kind of walking around...instead of being in the cafeteria..and guess what another teacher told me exactly what that other asshole had told me a week ago...she said..you need to be in the cafeteria and I was like okay...I just needed a drink of water....no big deal..but then she was like there's water in the cafeteria...I was so pissed...How the FUCK did she think she could say that!!??...its just a FUCKING drink of water BITCH!! Not like I'm a fucking terrorist or something..I say that because the way she said it and the way she was acting towards me was almost as if I was some kind of...a threat or danger to the school...god I swear she just pissed me off so bad...anyway lunch..I sit by myself now....and yet still they want me to go back...no thanks..Daryl.....I don't need your sympathy....but yeah everything...the rest of the day was normal...except that I had tutorials with Mrs. Rasmussen because I failed the first nine weeks....hey at least I didn't have to take a ride with Mrs.Lisa....anyway the tutorials sucked....oh except I saw a girl named Sonya who I had in my class last year....damn she's grown since last year...she looks pretty hot now..heh...anyway after tutorials I went out front...the front side of the school..to wait for my mom...when out of nowhere Shelby popped up.....she just said hi....and left...good I didn't really want to talk to her...then when I went to the spot where I usually wait for my mom..guess what she came back....eh it wasn't so bad we talked for a while....it was nice..then to my surprise my dad came......which is odd because he never shows up to pick me up....anyway I found out that Shelby isn't as cute as I thought she was....I had a totally different thought of what she looked like....eh but whatever..it's not like I liked her anyway.....heh.. man I did so much yesterday..oh yeah we went to some cow boyish store....my dad wanted to buy some boots..for work..lets see what else..oh yeah we also went to Target...I tried looking for the Gaia cash cards...but they weren't there which was a major disappointment..but I did buy a game while I was there so it wasn't so bad....oh yeah i forgot to mention that that day in class..Health class...Christian..aka Chia..came in and gave me a letter.....it was form Sarah...apparently she hadn't forgotten...anyway I have to sleep early now...cause it's for her...heh....man I've missed her...but yeah that was Monday....I'll be back later..to write about today..until then.. later...

Saturday baby!!! Oh yeah!!! heh man I'm so glad it's Saturday...no school.....oh yeah I thought Florentine wanted to do something today...I guess not..he said at 2...heh its 3 now.....uh well I guess he changed the plans because well I couldn't go...I could but..well I think I'm leaving either today or tomorrow....oh and Daryl is sick....man it makes me feel bad about what I said yesterday..I hope it's nothing serious.....uh I feel really good today actually......I bet you Monday I'm going to walk through that door..and be like normal..and people are going to be like what the fuck....because of what happened yesterday...hopefully no one will remember.....heh...but anyway....man I have the best dog ever...Naughty is so cute!!...Naughty was a gift from Sarah.....she must have really loved me....she went all the way to Oklahoma just to be with me.....but that's in the past I suppose.....it seems like she doesn't care anymore...at least sometimes it does....but whatever..I need to move on.....anyway today is a great day my avi looks so fucking awesome....I still think we should be in the hospital with my uncle but....there's somethings I just can't change...but one thing that i love about today is LASAGNA!! mmmm..with bread and butter and ...mmm simply delicious.......I am so looking forward to dinner........for some reason I also really want to call Crystal......dunno why.....but oh well....lets see how the day progresses.. Oh yeah poor James he really wanted to come over.....it sucks that they couldn't...

Man...I miss Hilda....oh and I think I know why I like Stephanie so much...I've noticed...but I just thought I was being paranoid...but I've confirmed it.....it turns out the reason I have a crush on Stephanie is because she looks just like Hilda...I'm serious..they look identical almost......I don't know I think I'm just trying to replace her.......she was just such an amazing girlfriend....I miss her......anyway today was so fucked up.....1st period was okay...except while everyone was busy working on their clay project my stomach decided to make a little outburst ...it was so embarrassing...loud too...I felt like everyone was looking at me...you see all I ate in the morning was a quesadilla...another thing that happened a lot today...I thought a lot about my uncle Chepe....1st period I was fine....but then 2nd period..I broke down...for no apparent reason...I was feeling sick to my stomach...I had my head down all period...feeling like I was going to puke.....then...I started to thinking about everything..and the tears just came........I doubt anybody saw me..or noticed.......but yeah...Cara might have seen me....Sarah might have...she didn't write back....big surprise...but she did come up to me and ask if everything was okay....she then gave me a hug...well she layed on me for a while.....I don't know what that meant...she was probably just worried...that made me happy though...she still means a lot to me.......but anyway yeah I was crying so much.....when Mrs. Rasmussen asked me to sign my detention slip...I couldn't she had to hold it down because I was shaking so much...I felt so pathetic.....guys don't cry...I'm so weak...so vulnerable....Mrs.Rasmussen asked me if I wanted to go to the counselors..but I refused...I knew they would just force me to talk then they'd think i had depression which I most likely do....and then I'd have to take pills and my mom would worry about me...nah..thanks but I'll pass.....she also offered to talk to her any time I wanted...but no thanks you wouldn't understand..besides I'm not one to want to talk things out...I usually don't rely on anyone but myself..if I'm hurt its my pain to deal with my problem and mine alone...kind of a sick way of thinking...I guess even I have my limit...maybe it was just time I let it all out...so yeah...I just walked out of that class and on to the next...it wasn't going to change my whole fucking day..I wouldn't let it....so yeah as I walked out that door and into the hallway...I found that guy Jose form my first period...the guy who always says..."Calmate animal!"...heh dumb ass....anyway he saw that something was wrong..he was about to ask me what was wrong...but I just walked away....I have no reason to explain myself to anyone....anyone..so anyway I went to third...I tried to fight the tears..but they just kept coming...I though I'd be okay.....that nobody would notice me..and well they didn't until Kiva noticed.....I didn't cry anymore after that..but still...I don't know I hated today it was so.....you know what I don't even care what it was ...I just want today to end...so anyway the rest of the day was okay..i guess....lunch I tried to sit by myself...I don't have any real friends anymore...Daryl...fuck Daryl......I don't know ..Oh yeah I tried to sit on the stairs by the drinking fountain..but some stupid teacher said I couldn't sit there..so I had to go to the cafeteria to sit..despite the fact that I don't eat....but yeah lunch was weird..first some guy I didn't even know came up to me to see what I was doing....meh..and then this kid who used to sit at Daryl's table before they moved..(he tagged along)..he pissed me off....he thinks I'm emo.."Don't cut yourself it's not worth it!.."..and he also said some shit about how....I could go to THEIR table when I was ready.....heh yeah...Don't pity me asshole...I don't need your pity....thanks but NO THANKS.....anyway..then this other kid who I knew..came up to me...he's pretty cool...but still I didn't need the pity.....heh since when did people start caring so much.....so yeah after lunch there was French then Health....On the ride home...Mario wasn't such an ass....he was okay..for once....Oh but today I got a really pleasant surprise....Crystal...who I talked to a lot before...wrote to me today...that girl is so random.....she had apparently heard that I was crying...man that kind of creeps me out...it seems that she has connections out there that check up on me.....heh she knows what happens to me even though I never see her anymore..and i don't have any classes with her...anyway her letter was so sweet...she even gave me her phone number which is kind of odd...because....well...this other time before..she asked me out..kind of..yeah she did.....she wanted to go to this party thing...where she was going to be acting....i don't know.....I think she might like me....too many signs...I don't know I'm too naive when it comes to these things......at first I didn't like her.....but now it seems she really cares about me..and I don't know....I think I just want to feel loved.....what do you when you need love..and someone loves you...but you don't love them...should you be with them just because of the love they have for you?..I don't know.....but I....I don't know ...whatever.....man I hope this day ends soon...I'm beginning to have a major headache..

So I went back on Gaia...my avi looks awesome....oh and there was an announcement about this new thing called Gaia Battle...basically it's going to be like a role playing game..it sounds pretty cool...I can't wait to try that out...Oh and one of these days I have got to go to Target and buy one of those Gaia gift cards...I need the cash.....anyway the reason why I decided to get back on here and write again is because well...I'm at odds....it's hard for me....currently I'm not looking for a relationship..or anything romantically...unless well it depends...^-^....but anyway it's hard for me because due to certain events that have happened I stopped....I don't believe in love anymore...at least I think so......so yeah I don't know...I mean last year I was completely in love with this girl named Sarah...but it didnt work...I was hurt yeah...but then Hilda happened..and I believed again....but now...well I don't even want to say it...but ..it's so hard not to believe in love when there's love all around me....I want to believe I guess...but I can't I refuse to.....love seems stupid to me...but still there's that need to be loved.....I don't know.....I don't believe....love is stupid.....I guess I'll just have to wait and see until that special someone changes my mind.....I'll be waiting...

So..okay I guess I need a place to vent....shit man this will help a lot.....so first off....Sarah seemed kind of tired today....oh and Cara I miss her....I want to talk to her again..I wrote a letter to her today...I didn't see her though..so I'll probably have to give it to her tomorrow.. uh things seem to be getting better again with Sarah it seems were apparently friends again.....nothing really happened today....I just gave her a note.....that's all..I just left afterwards......didn't see her at all today.....which was eh....odd I guess....maybe I didn't want to see her...maybe I was trying to avoid her.....I want this friendship to work so badly more than anything in this world.....I'm just scared to let myself fall in love with her again.....actually maybe I never even stopped...its weird....she's grown a lot..right in front of my eyes...last year (school year)...she still looked like a girl....like every other girl...but now when I look at her closely...it seems I see her differently now..almost like a young woman.....^-^.. uh...anyway yeah ...Sarah I seem to catch myself looking at her all the time now...even when I don't want to......I can't help it.....I'm so scared to fall for her again.....I don't want my heart to be broken again...I barely got through it last time...just the thought of her wanting anyone else drives me crazy......I don't know do I love her.....whatever... anyway I hope things get better with Cara.....I love her ...but sometimes I'm not to fond of her choices....she's done drugs....always messes around with guys....and at age fifteen she's already had sex....I'm scared she's going to end up pregnant and ruin her life....she's such an amazing individual.....but again her choices....i don't blame her she had it rough growing up....I wonder if she's ever felt truly loved......I know she loves some guy named Brandon..but seeing as how I don't know him....I can't tell....he better never break her heart...I swear I will kill him.....Anyway today was the same as usual....uh...except we got a new student in my class....5th pd. IPC...his name is Carlos...but to be honest he kind of seems like a ..goody too shoes....he seems kind of nerdy-ish...but ..I'm not going to judge ......anyway something that's beginning to bother me is this girl Shelby in my 7th pd...health...I think she might like me...not sure...she's always touching me....squeezing me randomly...doing all kinds of things where she just gets too close..and stuff like that...even in the halls she seems to go out of her way just to say or wave hello....she's cute and all....but I don't like her..at least not in that way....One time she even, for no apparent reason..she just sat there in her desk and drew me..which means she was staring at me all period...oh and her friend Will or whatever...came up to me and said "Hey there Mr. Sunshine" for some reason that really pissed me off..yeah I'm mr.fucking sunshine...I don't know...it just pisses me off not knowing what's going on..when it involves me......I don't know......uh...oh there's this girl which is kind of my crush......I really like her...she's so pretty her name's Stephanie......I see her like twice a day..then in health.....I really want to get to know her better..at first I thought she was just a pretty face..no brains..but now after observing her for a few days she seems pretty smart..she does have her moments from time to time though...she's so adorable..just want to squeeze her so badly......anyway..yeah....oh one more thing....man I've had to go with Miss.Lisa to get home...she's my ride because my parents work so nobody has time to pick me up from school.....can you feel the love?....heh... Anyway today and yesterday have been utter shit....all thanks to one asshole named Mario...first off call me by my name.....no not Mendez...no my ACTUAL FUCKING NAME!!!! YOU GOT THAT ASSHOLE!!! Oh and one more thing....YOU THINK I"M LAME!!! HAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAH!!!!OH YOU"RE ONE TO TALK!!! I'm the poser...hah..idiot...you think I'm trying to be like FallOutBoy..first off I don't even listen to that I prefer the HARDER stuff...I'm a rocker not some pop freak....and I'm the poser...heh look at you 2 years ago you were some nerd nobody liked...and now your all gangster....ooooh how original......I don't fucking like you..okay... so don't pretend like I'm your friend..got it...I could care less about you...I'm just to nice..and i can actually control myself to tell it your face....just fuck off....poser..there I think that's all for today man I hate him so much!