so these past few days have really sucked... I started talking to this girl, Becky, a few weeks ago. The way we met was weird. Basically, I thought she was hot, and she thought I was too. So we hung out and hit it off well, I thought. Then later that week, which was this past Wednesday, I started getting hints that she wasn't interested at all anymore. Then Thursday, she said we should stay friends. So that's great, a one week relationship, ended without any effort from her. She didn't even seem to care, which is somewhat reasonable since we pretty much just met each other. But hey, no big deal I guess. So that night, I started talking to Steph, my ex from earlier this year. We talked a lot! and flirted a lot! and I was like yeah! This just might work out! Cause I really liked her before. We dated from May to August for 3 months and 1 day, and when it ended, I really was devastated. I lost my appetite, didn't eat for 4 days. Then it got really awkward at school seeing her and I really hated her and loved her all at the same time (see 'Incubus - Blood on the Ground' if you want a little more description on that). But the weird thing about all this is that it took exactly 3 months and 1 day until I could talk to her normally, without being nervous, shaky or anything. Dated for 3 months 1 day. Didn't become friends again for 3 months 1 day. (yeah, i kept track) I just found that to be a really weird coincidence. ANYWAY... So the past few days, we were texting a lot and she seemed to be responding positively to me while I was obviously being flirtatious with her. So I really got my hopes up high. Then tonight, I was talking with her... I just asked what she was doing, and she was like "oh, just waiting for nathan to pick me up". Right away, I thought 'oh shit. this better not be a boyfriend... nah, its probably just an uncle or something.' I then said "Who's nathan?" She said "U don't remember? We dated last year, he lives in mass." and I said "No, I don't remember, I don't even know him. What, are you dating again?" My heart was pounding and I knew what she was gonna say. So I asked "since when have you two been going out?" and she said "Since this week"... So I was a week too late... so basically, if I never got involved with Becky, I may have been able to gotten back with Steph... makes sense since right when I started talking to Becky was when I was finally comfortable around Steph again. And I actually did not realize this until I typed it just now. Fuck. Haha. But that's a little bit too much of optimism right there, and I'm a pessimist. And that statement proves it, haha. Another small thing that pisses me off about that is what happened much earlier in the year, in April. I went to the movies with a group of people, and I was with Steph. After the movies, I talked with one of the other girls that went with us. I asked her about Steph because they were friends. She said "she has a boyfriend" and I was like "Well what the hell is she doing going on a date then? Who is it?" and she said "Some kid from Mass." and she went on to say "She said she's gonna break up with him because he's kinda bipolar. He gets really angry and yells and stuff I guess." so I said "Well good, she should. And I like her so yeah... I hope she does break up with him." So now Steph is dating someone who is possibly an abusive partner? That makes me feel great. And there's nothing I can do about it. I think I might try to keep flirting with her heavily and maybe she'll realize how much she misses me.... ha! right. I wish. All of this just makes me feel really really small. I don't get anything at all really. I'm not sure if I'm insane or something. From my beliefs, I have been telling myself how I'm the smartest person in the world or whatever. Just me being a little self-selfish. I'm really not even sure where I'm going with this. From all this, I have come to realize that my peak point of happiness was probably the beginning of my relationship with Steph. I was generally a happy person before, but just having someone there that had that kind of connection and attraction made me feel a whole lot better and happier. So I guess I might be one of those people who aren't happy unless they are in a relationship. I will have to wait and find out. This is the first time I've written a journal, blog, or anything. That felt weird. But it felt good to write it all out and be able to look over all of it. I shouldn't get caught up on all the bad things. I really should just look at the way my life has been going, for the long run. I'm actually in shape now. I have made so many friends in the past year. I'm not as shy as I once was. My grades are slipping this year... but I think from what I wrote, you may know the reason. Pretty much just depression. And nobody seemed to notice somehow. At first, everyone was like "Oh cheer up, blah blah blah." So I tried and I did, but not completely. But anyway, yeah. I gotta be an optimist. I'm not sure how I can change that without altering my current beliefs of... well everything. And I think this site will be the only place I plan on posting this. Putting it where my friends or family could see it could cause them to worry and I don't want that to happen. Well it's 1:11 so I'm making a wish. Can't tell you what it is, but you might have a slight idea of what it could be. I may write more of these, if it actually does help me in anyway. I don't know right now, cause it's frickin' 1:11 A.M.! Jesus, I'm goin' to bed.