6:41 a.m. So I've figured myself out some! Yay! Go get grandpa! Anyways...? So yeah at this moment I've relized- I want to be single for a LONG time. How long? Don't know maybe 5-8 years? I don't want an intimate in my life. I fear letting them down as I've already done [3 times] before. I don't want to be let down either. My new years resolution- Stop drinking. This is it, I'm going back to how I use to be- No drugs..[not that I did them to begin with] No sex...[which I never really enjoyed to begin with] No smoking..[never did that either lol] No driking..[the tougher one.. Damn] The only thing I won't be going that I use to back then would be the 378278 pounds of makeup. No more lipstick/lipgloss [which I loved!] No more nail polish [unless it's for a special night (then it's going to be pink polish)] No more crazy eyeshadow, only red, black blue, green, purple, and gray. God I've changed so much..

6:33 a.m. Yeah I haven't slept last night and I have a big day ahead of my [hopefully!] I'm going out to look for a job. I don't know how slim my chances are now, since I have black/red/purple hair. And snakebites. I really don't care where I work at to be honest. I don't care if it's at a 5 star hotel or some low budget drive-thru. I need money, so I can buy equitment. I know how to play bass...[rather well actually] but I don't have equitment. so an income at any rate would be nice. I'm sure my room mate is getting fed up with me staying at home all day too. Man I feel so weird... Check this out. I'm 18 years old, I live in a house with 2 roomates [well my brother and this lady] No job. No more school. Anyone else in the same situation feel any different? All I do all day is play video games and mess around on my phone. So I'm going t change that today. The sun is comming up, and I just received a text message.

Okay lately I've had a lot on my mind. This is me fuming please enjoy if yu do read- Okay I've noticed this whole abbriviate bands on myspace thing- I can understand- AFI=AFireInside,FFTL=FromFirstToLast,TBS=taking back sunday, MCR=MyChemicalRomance I don't get why people use- BMTH=BringMeTheHorizon, SEAP=SkyEatsAirPlane, STYG=StickToYourGuns, UTG=UnderneathTheGun I mean is it cool? Atleast do it with bands that people know? I mean all these indie garage bands no ones ever heard of? People are far to lazy now and days. Another thing too- "Cutters" why? Cause it feels good? No it doesn't. I've never done it but I've been cut before and it's very unpleasent. It doesn't "relieve any stress" It's stupid and people who do it need to grow up and find attention some other way. Okayyy- This is about my love so this is kind of personal. I relized after giving thought. Everytime I get drunk I tell her how much I love her and she says it back. I don't say it while I'm sober.. [I've said it before and she doesn't say anyting back] So I think she either feels sorry for me. Which I doubt is the case, only for the fact- I told her earlier that I was going to erase her number for the weekend so I don't text her and she was like "how rude" So the reason why she says it only when I'm drunk- she's scared of telling me her feelings while I'm sober, maybe due to the fact that I might say something to hurt her? [I think] I don't know, whatever it is it's stupid... I hate girls emotions >=|

I have 2 journals to write, one about life, and another, mostly ranting. Sooo today, well yesterday was thanksgiving, I saw most of my family. We were in good spirits despite the death of my uncle =// I didn't eat to much. I played pool which I'm okay at. I'm watching TheLostBoys at the moment. I didn't drink tonight, but I will tomorow at a party of some sorts. This whole month has been bad, well the last few weeks have. Last on tuesday my mom called me while I was shopping for grocceries.. [yes I do shop, not just junk f00d] She told me a close friend of hers which I see as another aunt tried to commit suicide by lighting herself on fire.. [she's in intensive care but she'll pull through I know it]. She's been depressed since her husband died and she lost her kid to foster care. She's a really good person, but hard times take tolls on good people. Then my mom calls me again the next day telling my that one of her friends has gotten into a car accident. Thankgod he only hurt his hand! Ughh fuckkk November Next up my rant! [I have a lot of things to say]

Earlier I was reminded of my uncle today, my cousins' myspace says, "R.I.P. Uncle Pauly" and I couldn't help but feel as though someone stabbed me in the center of my chest. When I read that. I can't write blogs on myspace, due to me bieng on my sidekick3 it doesn't allow those options, so I'm going to write it on here. Paul one of my favorite uncles, it sucks now your gone. I remember when we were living in a hotel [my mom, her boyfriend, Paul, and me] You would come home at 3 a.m., and show me things you've drawn or comic books you had gotten. You let me hold your gun even though it was loaded. Haha I remember when you pointed it at everyone on the couch and we all got scared. You told me a story when I was 13- You, my mom, and some of your gangbanger homies were in front of your friends' house the a rival gang shot at you guys, and you dove in front of the shotgun blast to save my mom. You still had the shirt too with all the little shotgun holes! Not even a shotgun could hold you down. Mann you're sure going to be missed by everyone you knew. Even though you're not here anymore I know you'll still be around the neighborhood keeping everyone in check. I regret is not being able to see you or write to you. You'll never be forgotten that's for sure. Rest In Peace- Paul Hernandez

This weekend has been ups and downs. Mostly downs, my uncle died yesterday =[ Around 10 a.m. I'm trying to get over it but it's hard. He was a gangbanger, and has this tough guy persona going for him. And now he's gone, damn I can't believe it. I saw my grandmother cry. That just tore me apart. Last night I got drunk in his honor, I of course was trying to drunk dial but no one answerd their phones. >=| Soo I drunk text instead ha. Guess who? Yupp my love! I told her I was in love with her [which I am, I know it]. She told me she loved me too! I got butterflies, But I don't think she meant it the way I did. I told her, "[her name] I'm in love with you, like for reals" and she replied, "I love you too". Anyways I have to get ready to meet some family

But I gotta save myself first!! I've been in a punky mood today. Listening to Death By stereo, old old afi, and others. Not having a lover seems like a lonely life, but I like it. Having an intimate complicates things. I want a beer. Bring me one? This weekend is my sisters'..[brothers wife] birthday party. I'll be doing some socializing then. This saturday Death by stereo is playing. I'm going! I hope they play their old songs.

So I've decided to take the lonely road for a while, see what lonelyness has to offer. Although is she ever decides to be with me I'll jump through the loop and play good boyfriend like I've always done. Anyways I've decided to make myself unavailable to anyone. [I think I'm going to write day by day journals about not wanting] I've been single for over 7 months...[not by choice] Now it will be. I was going to describe myself..[physically] in this journal entry. I've decided not to this time. I will in the next one. Plus I've got some important things to get off my chest. Later, in good time. For now this was a pointless journal I just had to feed me addiction=] My next entry will be worthwhile. Well to me anyways.

Today, I have brushed my teeh 4 times. I love the way it makes my mouth feel. I'm stlll awfully bitter about last night. But I'm going to have to deal with it. I'll never be over her, but I'll have to live with those facts... [I just contradicted my last entry so bad] I need to find a better past time. I want to write poetry again but everything I write about will revolve around heartache... [how cliché right?] I'm in the mood for chineese food, maybe some chowmien? Orange chicken always sounds good. Odds are I won't eat today, or tomorrow. I had to force myself to eat lastnight... [no I don't have a eating disorder] To hell with Las Vegas. This barren desert. This place is made for hopefull toursit trying to hit it big. Oh well this is probably going my last entry for a while. Maybe not, who knows? I don't. I don't even know myself. Anywho I hope people feel better than I do.

Today I found out Fred left Taking Back Sunday.. [I know I'm late] I haven't been keeping up with TBS to much since Louder Now came out. That album wasn't to great. I'll miss Fred of course, but now I have to listen to- Where You Want To Be. After that I'll probably listen to- Tell All Your Friends. Odds are I might spiral down into depressing memories. Crying myself to sleep tonight? I think so. What a fun night ahead! Anyways TBS is calling me on my ipod and I have to answer... [Everyone should listen to- Tell All Your Friends so I won't be to only one getting teary eyed when "there's no I in team" comes on] I write more tomorrow morning.. [For those of you who care to know what happens tonight]