im almost better, almost over my cold :) so latley, um, i pierced my ear, first piercing. yays! saftey pin, boredom, teenagers etc etc soundwave lineup for next year is out. im pumped, pumped pumped. too bad februarys so far away. and it that time of year again: art final time its exciting. but i was searching for random things, and coz im bored, i searched self harm, on deviant. its stupid to do, and i know i shouldnt bcoz it brings me down and makkes me wann cut but its nice somehow, comforting? i dunno.

iv decided on my first tattoo. forget. in pretty writing, left arm, inside, just below my elbow. i want a word, but i didnt know what then last night, i lay there freaking out and i remembered whem i was a kid, i used to get really bad nightmares, and id wake up, and lie there, and whisper forget forget forget forget over and over and over until i calmed down and fell asleep. i tried it again last night. it works. so yeah my first tattoo :)

Im so tired. Im sick and im tired. Im so tired I cant sleep. It fucking hurts to breathe. To move. Im restless. I want more. Last night was shit. Shit shit shit. Pure fucking shit. I can feel myself getting a little more crazy. I poured red wine all over the counter, then arranged everything in the kitchen on it, nice and carefully. Square, right angles. She looked at me, As if she couldn’t believe this fucked up creature was hers. She told me, she wishes shes been stricter with me. And danny. I don’t know. I just don’t. I think im gonna finish it. I want random hookups, and mindless sex. Some sort of intimacy that doesn’t come from seeing him once a month and hooking up with him in his car. im gonna tryand stop cutting. I started on my stomach last night, I didn’t even feel anything. My arms, my beautiful scarred arms are aching for more. I get this feeling, of phantom cuts. I can feel the blade, tracing patterns across my wrists. This urge. This fucking urge to open my veins. To let it all flow out. Im thinking. That if I don’t have to do anything, anything else, forever, that, it would be really good.

I went to bed last night, planning my rant for today and “I want to get fucked up” running through my head. I woke up this morning, late, alone. House to myself. The sun is shining beautifully. Looking in the mirror, I looked ok, taller than usual, slender, pretty. It feels like one of those days where everything’s well on the way to being ok. So here’s to a good day And one without food, it seems like the day for it.

iv had the most beautiful day 15 hours of sleep. a mornign spent sitting on a playground, reading, lulled by the sun. work. went out to dinner with the grandparents. yumy chinese tofu :) borrowed a couple of movies for tonight. bout to watch gettign sqaure again :) and possible picnicing tommorow with ranna plus.. strait to video just started playing. im happy, happy, happy :)

6th august//earlyhours 7th august Tonight was ok. I ran away to my spot on the hill and talked to jonty for ages. Which gave momentary relief from reality.its so beautiful up there, the lights of the city, that the grass is kindof all bent and crushed to fit me now. Iv never cut when iv been there, and I don’t think I evr could. It would wreck it. Its too special. Till I got home and got into trouble for being home half an hour late, fair enough though. But now, tentu saja, I cant sleep and shits starting to run through my head. N im talking 2 sally.. bout cutting, tentu saja and I don’t want to, but I will soon, cozshe is. Ergghhhhh. Im gonna digress for a bit. Fucking barney. Apparently he hates me atm. I dunno what iv done. Apparently iv been sayin shit bout him or summat. Which is fcukign hilarious seeing as he goes on bout how im an attentionseeking whore, then goes and wanks to the photos of me that congedi sent him. And hes the one who goes around showing the to people. Fuck him.mayb hes just jealous coz he knows a pic of me is all hes gonna get??? But hes got so many pixx of other girls on his phone. I don’t get what his problem is? dOes he expect me to fuck him evrytime I beg him for a bit of lunch? What-fucking-ever. Its raining now. Im glad im home. Time for sleep. And jonty, when you read this, congrats if you make it too the bitter end. :D

so im lookign for photos of mum for her birthday, shes turning forty and were having a surprise party for her.. and there are none, coz shes aalways takign the photos, im talking bout her beeing in 2 over four years and then occasionally tehres heaps of me that shes taken its like she cant show affection, so she takes photos, in case i go away and she doesnt have a current one it makes me sad

2nd august Fuck my mind, basically. As usual its running at a million miles an hour, random ideas popping up, memories that are best forgotten, resurface. Occasionally a brilliant thought comes too, but they are quickly forgotten. This morning I went to Seth’s christening. To be baptized as a teenager or an adult must be the most unco thing ever. It looks it. But the service was great, it all fitted and there was that feeling of really belonging. And feeling perfect. For that hour, singing. Then my brain started fucking up, mainly along the lines of, you’ve eaten too much, go and make yourself throw up, you;ll have time today. And you had sex with Danny, what ya gonna do now?? I didn’t make myself sick, mum came home. And as for danny, ill figure that out when I see him next, hopefully. You know, some things in life are perfect then they just die? Like yesterday before work, we had to get up early to come back from Victor. Lucas played footy at Jone’s Pantry. So I had hot chips for brekkie, visited the swings at Apex and spent most my time sitting on a fence, blessed out listening to music and occasionally watching the footy. Iv found this song. Called under pressure. Its by the herd. And WOW its incredible. I cant explain. But youknow how theres some songs that when you hear them your view of the world changes just a lil? I should stop writing, now im just procrastinating this massive bio assignment to do. Eh, later. mm. Friday. We went ta victor. I slept on the way down. Then woke up, and was told we were gonna the pub for dinner. I hate that place. The food is shit and it makes me wanna drink, but I cant coz im with rents n im underage. Anyway, I fought with parents, tentu saja. I was trying to get away to see c danny. But it wasn’t working. He rang me while we were shopping and I ended up just walking out on family to go and meet him. Hehehe. It was so movielike. His cars not working, so we met half way. I was walking to meet him, but I didn’t know where I was goin, so id ring him n say is this the right way and hed be like no, go this way. And just kept on walking and he wasn’t where he said he’d be. so I rang him and was like where are YOU??? Hes just like keep walking baby im almost here. And then I get this txt, ‘I c u’ and he was there. And we were standing there, hooking up on the side of the road, underneath the streetlight. We went back to his, following the train line along the beach. But he couldn’t find his place. So wandered somemore. Yeah then we found it. And later, I had sex with him. Then he walked me home. It was fucking surreal, I half expected someone to just jump out and yell “and cut! That’s a wrap” but they never did.

30th june My head is clear. I’m shaking. My hearts running at a speed too fast. I’m lying here. I cut. Brand new blade. Two perfect lines of blood roll, roll, down my leg, merrily down my leg. The smaller cuts run into those lines. I’m alive and I’m fucking beautiful, red running down my leg, shivering with pleasure. Oh fuck. I’m fucked up. Good cuts tonight. Makes a change. What went down? So mums doing this uni course right and all the works due tomorrow. She hasn’t done a whole heap. Typical high school situation. I think, she gets most of it done, printed out, ready to hand in. then Dads gotta put his two cents in, how its not good enough to hand up, how she didn’t do any of it right. Then the real fight begins. Basically mum takes no responsibility for not presenting it right, for not finding out how to do it. And they yell and yell and get off topic. And of course she drags me into it, blaming her for something or another. And I can hear. I tried to block it out, focus on the tellie. Not let it get to me. Then he starts on me. Fucking this, fucking that. So I go to my room. I cut. Etc etc. you know how it goes. What I hate, is she makes herself out to be this fucking martyr. But then she takes no responsibility Exhibit A) she gets in the car, looks at me and says “where’s the car keys? Why don’t you have the keys?” like I SHOULD have them, like im responsible for HER car, and HER keys, seeing as I don’t even drive, how does that work? Exhibit B) this uni thing she’s doing something about how “iv left that work out for weeks. Lulu didn’t type it up. I HAD TO TYPE IT ALL UP MYSELF” oh gosh. Shock fucking horror. Since when have you ever typed up my assignments? You act like you’re the first person to learn use a computer. The list goes on. But I can’t be fucked anymore. I was doing better you stupid cunt. I hadn’t cut for over a week. I had some fucking hope. And you took that away. I hate you. Get over yourself and let me be. Bitch.