Why? There is no fucking point. THURSDAY: Last day of school, was terrible. I forgot my wallet so I didn’t have a blade, had to scab one off a friend. It was so fucking sharp, I accidentally cut too deep, and it bled through everything. I looked down in Indo, my skirt was soaked, and my hands were covered in blood, there was blood all over the table. I kind of freaked out. I had to work after school. I think I kinda went into shock, maybe but the last two lessons of school were horrible, I had a fever, and I thought I was going to faint. Lukily Gus drove me back to his, I don’t think I would have got there otherwise. I duno how I even got through Thursday, it sucked so bad. FRIDAY: First day of the holidays, first day in ages that I’ve been blonde :D. I was dreading having to se the shrink, mainly because it was a shared session with me, mum and her :s. also coz I lied to her the whole time last time . turned out ok, there was kind of no point in me being there, her and mum pretty much just talked, while I did the sullen teenager thing and stared at the clock, counting the minutes. I did find out however, how mum my mother will twist the truth to make things go her way. She’s almost as bad as Luke in that. I had to do some survey again, to see how ‘depressed’ I am. Apparently, only 79% now, compared to 93% last year. BUT I’m a better liar now, and mum was looking over my shoulder when I did it, so of COURSE im gonna write what I feel, not. But I think Sandra convinced mum that I don’t have to go back, pretty much, she said if she’s not gonna talk then there’s no point, its just a waste of money. Score! But that means there’s no chance in hell I’m going to be getting anti-depressants. SATURDAY: Work, Movies, Stayed at Dots. FUN :D SUNDAY: Was a great day, until it got to night. One of those perfect days, winter sun, getting all dressed up, all made up, just because. As the sun was setting I went walking, barefoot in my stockings and took photos of the sunset. But then I started talking to people, started making plans for the holidays; plans to maybe take off for a while. Plans to just fucking live a little, then I had that stupid realisation, that it never happens, that it won’t this time. And I got this massive feeling of hopelessness. So, I cut. But too shallow. They stung like crazy. And it didn’t help. I just gave up, and went to sleep. MONDAY: This morning, nothings really changed. I still feel like shit but listening to Streetlight’s kind of helping. I’m over holidays already. I don’t know how I’ll get through the full three weeks. Oh another thing. Last night someone told me “that they’d give their life to see me truly happy for just a few days.” Well What the FUCK do you say to that? I hate it. For some reason people who like me, always ending up wanting to save me from myself. And half of them are as fucked up as me, they’ll tell me that stuff. I get scared, I cut. They cut. We all cut. We bring each other down.

Swing life away. On repeat. So I cant be bothered deleting all these entries. And even though I hate them, and the way that I write I know its important to keep the past around. Without the past we just keep on making the same mistakes over and over. Not that I can talk. Its almost holidays, im wanting them and dreading them at the same time. I can’t stand the idea of three weeks with family, but the idea of school is almost worse. I’m hoping, that with my change of hair colour (blonde this time), that my life will finally change. That I will get out of this vicious cycle that im trapped in, with my family. Never doing what I want. So this holidays: josh gets back, andys having his 18th, im going to stay with dot for a while, get majorly wrecked, stephs coming down to victor, maybe we’ll go camping, or squatting, hopefully ill hook up with danny again (no idea whats happing there). So many plans. So much I want to do. In reality I know ill sit at home, go to work, be a good girl. I should just leave, move in with someone welse, but I cant. Im too “apathetic in my resentment”. I know we all fuck up. But im not getting anywhere, im making the same old mistakes. Going to luke gain,and again, its bad for me, he just fucks me up, but I can never stay away. I don’t want him, like he thinks, but I dunno.bad habits are hard to break. Im falling into the same patterns again with congedi. Itd be the fourth time its happened. lets not think. Lets not feel. lets just try and find out way through the dark. Maybe we’ll come out mainly together. haven’t cut for about a month, I told myself id stop. But I feel like I need to again. I dunno. Its being a bitch night. Cold, cold, cold, so fucking cold. Torin asked me out, masses of hw two days before holidays, this feeling of emptiness is bringing me down. I need someone to hold onto. But not anyone, someone who I want, who cares. Not anyone will d anymore. Friday im going back to the shrink. I don want to, not too her, anyone else. We didn’t get along at all. It didn’t work. Im kind of dreading it, but so much has changed since I last went, I have no idea whats gonna happen. I cant deal with adults, or emotion. Especially emotion. I just scream, cut, punch things, run away. I hate feeling. I want to be numb. Although every time I see that hole in my wall I feel kind of proud. Is getting me down. All this has the word I in it, too much, I feel so fucking selfish. I love it, how me and you, and all my friends. We’re all so fucked up, and all in pretty much the same way. We egg each other on, drag each other down, down into this endless cycle of destrution.

yep. thats right. you have every reason to worry. im thinking that i need change. big change.delete all my entries. dunno. ill decide later. fuck it. its holidays soon. i need to get wrecked. goodbye. spooks is on in a minute. >.

yeah hawthorne heights kinda mood, although cat empire just started playing :D its ironice, to be a creature of the night, but i awlays dread going to bed coz of those few hurs beore sleep where time drags memories you'd rather forget are thrown up on repeat all that negitivity well weekend. was crap, which was to be expected, coz of so much time with the fam on saturday night tho i just walked out :D10;30 on the beach at night, alone in the rain at victor just me n archie (ma dog) we saw a pelican, whcih was really cool :D then i got scared so i rang luke BAD idea. i fucked that up reall bad. why??? iknow he hurts me, but then i still ring him and i gt hurt why am i so weak? whay cant i stay awy from him? i dont even like him.. not one tiny single bit ARGGHHH!!!! anyway good part of the night i met up with danny :D he didnt bring booze or blades, like i needed, but it was still all good :D it felt so fucking natural to be chillin in his car, hooking up, talking :D really i dont evn know him but ya no when it just goes good :D and nothing fuckks up at all??? i miss hi now, so much its worse to see him for just a little bit then no im not gonna c him for like another month i want to just fall aslepp with him, wake up in a messof tangled limbs being sent back to th shrink again i swear theyr on to me :S