i was working today looking after soph and raffy i was so happy i looked up and saw my reflection in th mirror, holding raffy, playing with sophia it felt perfect thats what i want in life i rekon i know im too young though last post for today, i promise

iv been thinking about what i want and i think that is: to not be at school anymore to have someone to hold me, pref elli or pat to have someone to pull me through to escape the same old story over and over again hey.. and nothing changes

the easiest place to start: music at the moment, well its been: billy talent, alkaline trio, against me, mcr, ra, a little bit of aanything that ya can dirty dance too i saw fast n furious yesterday.. great movie.. awesome soundtrack... and the cars.. and the women WOW!!!! now the complicated stuff..ish ellis got a boyfriend.. i found out the day i was gonna ask her out im still sad about that, shes so beautiful, so lovely, i just wanna be with her, hold her kiss her maybe ill just tell her i like her... i dunno oh.. im 16!!! so far 15 is so much better anyway... birthday it was ok..best part, spending most of the night with pat, cuddling on the couch its nice being held and weve got that thing :D the dirty dancing, physical thing argghhh!!! i miss being with someone, anyway.. when i got home i got yelled at for being a tease, ima gonna break his heart.. u slut, letting him touch you etc etc etc.. same old shit over and over then i started thinkin bout it.. theyr probs right i went to this party, met this guy, wiithin minutes i was sitting on his lap, invitng him to grope me i was sober I FUCKING HATE MYSELF then.. remember that daniel guy.. from victor well.. i gave him ma no the othr night( not sure that was th smartest idea :S :S) anyway the story is.. apparently hes liked me since he first saw me, he kinda loves me, he hopes we end up goin out.. n oh.. would i maybs drop out, get a job down there.. n go n live with him its tempting, so so fucking tempting.. but i dont really no him at all.. suer i no his name, hes 17, what sorta car he got.. that hes gonna get his lip n nipple pierced is that enuff tho?? arggh!!! what i do??? help would really be appreciated

by dresden dolls great song christende thenew blade took a couple weeks it hurts unllike othres but everythigns theres the smell of the metalt the sshaking the excitement the blood red lines

i ahte it i shouldnt have staye dup i feel like shit now its all come crashing down last night i cried and cried and cried and cried i couldt stop it HURT actuall pain it hasn beenn like that for soooo fucking long its alway like that saty for too long it gets bad like at th party i fuckign crashed reall bad just needed someone to hold looked like such a slut lying on taylor holding him i told ranna bout lian shit ishouldnta her nose is in it now hse done get it birs of a feather stck togther teach each others tricks for gtiing buy, where 2 cut, how much pills, how much booze keep it t ourselfs somehow keepeing on going that whole lose 5 kils inholidays is gone already 1st weekedn fuckign easter ate so much chocolate FUCKKKK!!!! almost 16 im gonn reach it get m ls then whta??? purpsoe after?? think not soon,,,, ima gonna ask elli outtt you no hey aya theyll walys be there bu they never can be even if theyv been trough it im still all alone fuckign depressio,always at m shoulder swear theres like bipolr tooo nicest thign anyones ver done fore me: jimmi sne me a txt a pic with lul: you are beautiful, ily :) he made me cry buts till i cant accpet it n all i think is i cause bad things to ahppn to my firens elli ran way, taylor n dot fuckked up lians whoe thing vikki left josh wnet away, drizners is, jaydann probs will FUCKK!! i am such abad influence how can i live ith teh fact that my exisitence fucks up ppls lives