fuck fuck fuck. it’s so hard there is no way I can spend all two weeks with them. after a day and a half I’m a wreck, I cant help it, she just doesn’t like me and I can never get her approval, take yesterday, I got up n worked my ass off to clan the house and all she said was ‘oh we paid her for this, don’t mess it up boys.’ nothing about thanks at all. what I want to know is WHY??? why does she hate me so fucking much? what did I do? and how do I know she hates me? most people think im just being stupid. BUT exhibit a: I was at a friends place and she came to pick me up, shed seen me for all of a minute, hadn’t talked to me, or acknowledged my presence and I could see her bristling, like a dog with its hackles up and when she did speak her voice went so quiet, dangerously so, the voice she uses before she explodes. and now I have no one to talk to, I can’t keep offloading all my problems to Marcus, it’s just not fair and he’ll get sick of me being all depressed, everyone always does. and jimmy’s in Japan, Hannah n ran really don’t want to know, dot has her own shit… so it looks like im stuck all on my lonesome. HELP? and poor edee, he’s going through the same shit as me, but he has absolutely no one. I found him crying and sat there and held him, Hannah found us and she blocked it our. she thinks he’s fine, that he’ll get over it. no wonder she believed my shit story about my scars, at least his parents love him, and notice he exists. mine prefer the dogs n don’t even pretend to hide it. well, dads ok, but he’ll always side with mum. FUCK… I make myself sick, how can I be so self obsessed? I wish I could get rid of all of me, all traces and start again. Coz they say that the best revenge is to keep on living…..but im so fucking close to quitting...

One day, when im brave and stand up to them, we’ll go to the botanic gardens and we’ll lie in the sun and drink champagne and I will sleep in your arms and all will be perfect.

schools out... comm week finito.. holidays began... on thursday i planted trees (!!!! :D) and on friday i listened to the most amzing people talk, one her name was maylee.. he was amzing she sat there and told us about how she was raped by her family, and her suicide attempts and how she met this guy... it made me so sad.. and i got it all.. well the stuff abut depression n suicide.. and the feeling of worthlessness.. anyway... lighter notes :) its HOLIDAYS.. beautiful day... beginning of spring its like 25 already.... YAY... the strangers is a VERY good movie.... TRIPPY.. not too scary.. but yeah... sun is good.. dont be a vampire :) xx

yea i feel a bit better... im absolutley exhaustapated but im not so sad, which i suppose is good... wev got community week at school atm, which inlves basically not going to classes and listening to people talk... but today we went n hung out with people from st pats special school... it was sooo great... exhausting but.. very rewarding and it sorta put things in a bit of perspective... sure im kinda sad.. but at least i can communicate n people arent afraid to talk to me... and tommorw im going to plant trees for the world !!!! :P im actually pretty pumped... but i thought i should put up here.. my life is not totally bad.... n maybe its all psychosamatic.. (THAT BOY NEEDS THERAPY.... HES AS MAD AS A COCONUT :P [i

mmm.... n iv forgotten wht its like to be held by someone who actually likes you... instead of freaks who just wanna feel u up... i need a boyfriend :(

well iv started this project on self harm 4 art... see no evil, hear no evil speak no evil... its about how noone talks about it.. even though its quite a large problem only bad thing is that it makes me cut.... n i want to be like these beautiful people who r scarred all over like barcodes... but i cant i have to hide it all.. if they found out again.. well... i dont wanna think about it.. n eveyththing else had gone to shit.... i dunno.... welll.... at least i have a blade.. it was so beutiful.. the blood rolling down my leg.. so bright n red.. n that sting... god i feel better now... but i really need some rose coloured glasses... anyone got some spare??? :P