or not. it didnt happen. told you. i have a huge maths paper to do today. i'll do my chemistry over the week. i cant be arsed with going out any more. no point. everyone and everything makes me feel like shit. i just want to sit at the computer and draw forever. if only songs were as good as their lyrics. i always click the 'latest journal' and 'latest comment' on this site, and i'll find some random lyrics and they'll appeal to me, but then i youtube the song and its shit. this entry's a waste of time. im just pissed off cause my plan didnt go to plan. oh well. ive got a year and five months of weekends to get this done. it'll happen. i wish my phone would start working again. i want to read those 'walking with angels' lyrics i wrote.

ive only got tomorrow left. to do my chemistry project. and to lose it. hmmm. one or the other. no wait. last time he nearly pulled off both. ouch. i dont think its gonna happen. the angels are screwing with me. or this is meant to happen. im thinking maybe to give up and forget about it. 'cause stuff only happens once youve done that. once you give up hope, it'll happen. i just cant stop myself thinking and hoping. maybe its 'cause its the holidays. maybe it'll be easier during term time. cause thats when the last two happened. and, y'know, third time lucky. or. maybe. things have changed. and this is what we mean by 'priorities'. ? ughh. please let me do this? you know how scared i am. ..now im suddenly terrified all my friends and angels are leaving me. my phone broke. it doesnt like rain. at all. it hates it. unlike me. so i take it everywhere, and i take a lot of walks in the rain. when it gets rained on the keypad fucks up, and after last night its gone completely. i cant even put my pin code in. so ive gone all day without texting. its quite scary. i wonder if people are wondering why im not replying to their texts? cause people are always texting me. maybe ive pissed someone off. or not. ive found the song though. the one i listened to on the walk home yesterday. Shiny Toy Guns. You Are The One. i love it. and im writing a story. yeah. (come on, tomorrow. this sort of thing happens on Sundays.)

went to Oxford today and yesterday. its prep-infested but its a damn sight better than here. Yesterday i went with Mum and Spo. bought some new shizzle. got some smart looking tops from Primark. and these grey skinny jeans. i really wanted some teal ones but they didnt have any in my size. all 14 or over. and i am size 10. is that skinny? i dont know. i remain self-conscious. and some new tops from New Look. (DOMO SHIRT FTW

Things have gone crazy and back again. on the 30th i got a text from Nige saying that Channy was right. i mean wtf. i ran out of credit at that exact moment though, and couldnt text back and interrogate the bitch. But then the next day it was like.. no that didnt happen. WHY DOES THAT ALWAYS HAPPEN. Something fucked up will go down, i'll be major freaked for the rest of the day, and i'll wake up the next morning and it may as well of never happened. and you wonder why i think im going crazy. 'cause i went to Nige's on the 31st, before i went to Channy's. And we were just talking about shit and it didnt come up and yeah. i'm actually starting to believe that Steph exists, however, so we've made progress somewhere. But yeah.. we were watching the Hits on his tv, and The Fray came on, How To Save A Life. it had to be that fucking song didn't it. On the 31st December. And i'd have stayed up with you all night, had i known how to save a life.. That song always makes me cry at the best of times, but on that day? The last day of December? One exact year to the day when my best friend was going to die and i didnt even know about it, let alone be able to do anything about it? Thankfully i managed to keep it together in front of Nige, but yeah. i left soon after. walked down that path between the feild and the astro, with the ditch and the benches. good memories about that place. i really did feel like crying at that point. i just switched Chester on and held my head up high. i made it home fine. then Danii, Ash and Joe turned up. instead of waiting to see me at Channy's, they'd actually come to get me themselves. them lot in my house. god. last time they were round was Hallowe'en. i remember Mum actually thought Ash was a girl. har de har. still finishing later.