If you have Bravo, turn it on. Top 100 Scariest Movies of all time is on, and it's quite good. It's the third time I've ever seen it, but whatever.

My life...has plateau'd lately, seriously. I mean, a lot of really little good things happen, but then bad things offset them. Thus the plateau. I worry that I'm becoming less easily happy, which is a bad thing. But...idk. I'm really tired and kind of sick, and I have finals. I'm hoping that once that's all over life will be better. But seriously? My one friend is supremely pissing me off. It's weird, because she has a ton of friends, but they're all fake scene whores and stuff. Her only two "close" friends at school are me and my other friend. But she treats us both like shit, especially me. She literally makes fun of me...for being a virgin. It's bizarre. Maybe I'm only friends with her for her drama. I mean, she sleeps around quite a bit and gets a new boyfriend every week and does a lot of crazy shit that I'd never do. I love her as a person who is smart, talented, and interesting, but she treats those who value her the most like shit, just because we're not as morally bankrupt as her other friends. And I know the shit is going to hit the fan - she's my only friend that I am so up and down with. I wish that we had a more stable relationship, but I don't know how to get it to be that way, because I really don't trust her. I realized lately that I don't actually TRUST most of my friends. My two best friends, yes. (F from a former entry, and the new one I will call E) I tell them everything. My other really close friend, R, I am very comfortable talking to as well, but there are some things I feel are taboo with her. One of my best guy friends, L, I trust a lot and tell a lot of stuff too, but not as near as much as my girl friends. But I'm taking everything with a grain of salt. I have too much on my mind to take on another friend feud. I'm just going to let it kind of fizzle out. If she thinks the frienship is worth it, I'll let her let me know. I made M a mix tape because he made me one. It was songs that remind him of me, and it was actually really cute. He like, wrote down the reasons why each song reminded him of me, hahah. So I did the same for him. Here it is: 1. Just the Girl - The Click Five 2. What's Yo Myspace? - T-Pain 3. MMMBop - Hanson 4. The Owls Go - Architecture in Helsinki 5. Let's Make Out - Does It Offend You, Yeah? 6. Take Me to the Riot - Stars 7. Dirty Pop - *NSYNC 8. Radar - Britney Spears 9. Why Don't We Do it in the Road? - The Beatles 10. You Make Me Gay - Gravy Train!!!! 11. Let's Make My Bed - Applied Communications 12. Fucking On the Dancefloor - Dirty Sanchez 13. Sex in the Kitchen - R. Kelly 14. The Man Who Sold the World - David Bowie 15. Music is My Hot Hot Sex - CSS 16. Temptation Greets You Like A Naughty Friend - Arctic Monkeys 17. Beating Hearts Baby - Head Automatica 18. No More Eatin' (Plan B Mix) - Hadouken! 19. Human - The Killers 20. Tipsy - J-Kwon 21. Je Veux Te Voir - Yelle So, yeah. Hahah. :] I realized many of the songs are sexual/cheesy/horrible pop/techno, but it's kind of a joke. I mean, it's not like that mix CD is an accurate description of my musical taste. Hahah. But whateverrr.

The quote that's my title is one of my favorites from any song. It's from "Absinthe Party At The Fly Honey Warehouse" by Minus the Bear. It's about his trip to Europe, and in context, the line is about being in awe of the fact that some trivial things in England, i.e. a park bench, are older than his entire country (America). This line is also meaningful to me because... ...I might...be going to London this summer! Mmm that'd be so much fun. :] This school called Richmond University is located there, and I am actually rather interested in it. Sans financial worries, I meet the academic requirements to get in. SO I consider it worth it to apply, and they recently sent me something in the mail for their open houses. One happens to be two days before my 17th birthday, so I was thinking I could ask my uncle if he wants to hop the pond for my birthday present. Yayayayayay. First time abroad, whoo! But on a much cuter note...this boy with an accent said I was pretty. :] Aww, I know. Hahah. I'm not sure what his accent is, but I believe it to be Slavic in origin? Which is always, as everyone knows, a good thing. I may be biased because I am of my Polish heritage, but no matter. He's talked to me a few times, but I didn't even think he knew my name. Apparently...he does. Hahah. This entry has been one long blather. On a sadder note, I don't personally think Barack Obama won last night's debate. :/ And to anyone who thinks the election doesn't "matter"...well, I could rant and rave for hours, but it would all boil down to one point: it does.

Soooo yeah. Last night was kind of a bust. I thought this guy would call me to hang out, but he didn't because he had some dumb-ass scrimmage. It wasn't that bad, though. I hung out with F and M (from earlier post). We basically just watched The Simpsons and gossipped, par usual. I tried to make us pasta in F's kitchen, but, yeah, she has a gas stove? And I didn't know how to use it? I basically filled her entire kitchen with gas. It smelled horrific. Then we walked to a park around 9 o'clock near her house, sat on the swings, were gonna smoke, and...the lighter didn't work. So we walked back to her house to get some matches, walked all the way back to the park, and somehow my cig nearly broke in half along the way. So I had to hold it oddly and it kinda burned my fingers. In retrospect, rather funny, hahah. The park/walk was pretty chill. We went barefoot, which is always a good thing. Except M stepped on a snake. He screamed pretty loudly, it was highly entertaining. Then we went skinnydipping. No lie. It was kinda gross, though - F's pool hasn't been cleaned in a while. And I forgot to shave. Whoops. Actually, it was a pretty good night. F and I drove M home and we got lost on the way home. But it actually wasn't that bad. We were listening to some mellow music and the windows were down - it was actually kind of nice to have an excuse to be out, even if we barely made curfew. I spent the night at her house and we found her parents' secret vodka stash and stayed up late giggling. But then I had to wake up early and go to work, no coffee. THAT was not so much fun. Then today was kinda eh. I went over some college brochures and kept the ones from schools I liked. I gathered some basic information about them and made a flow chart...I've narrowed it down to about fifteen schools, by the end of my search I hope it'll be closer to ten. Applying to more than that may, ahm, make me want to, oh, I don't know, kill myself. Hahah.

:] I am in such of an exponentially better mood than I was yesterday. I am just fantastic. I am good, happy, swell, terrific, joyous...etc, etc. Insert more PSAT vocabulary words. It's weird, because I started off the day horribly. I was in a really bad mood because of my stupid decision, and because of my growing self-awareness of my bad points. And my friends were NOT helpful at all, at least not at first. Then I talked to my best guy friend and he made me feel a lot better. And thennn... Guess who I talked to? :] He called me "cutie". Life is good.

Second post in a day, whoo. This is actually the first time I've done this, so that's ok. I've just done a lot of thinking since posting last, I guess. Not about the specific situation, just about myself in general. I came to a simple conclusion: I am pathetic. Not in a mean, self-degrading way. I don't mean I'm a pathetic human being, I mean I condone pathetic behaviors in myself, which in of itself is degrading. I obsess - I obsess. I obsess over everything. Guys - I check my cell phone, Myspace, I do ridiculous things and stress myself for, what, a comment? A text I can return? I worry about everything - if I don't talk to him right now, he's going to forget about me and go talk to another girl. Etc, etc. I can't believe in myself, that maybe he thought I was just chill and pretty and enjoys spending time with me. I feel like I have to fight for something I don't really need to fight for. School - I have to be better than everyone. I have to get a higher grade, a higher GPA, say something more clever in class, have more original ideas, pontificate more articulately, basically. I am, in all fairness, one of the smarter students, but I can't leave it at that. I beat myself up because I won't ever be this straight-A, get-everything-right, Ivy League-bound young woman. But I don't WANT to be that girl. I want to go to a small liberal arts school, not a big-name university. I want to work in international relations, not be a "doctor" or "lawyer" or "(insert other cliche 'smart person' career here)". But I feel OBLIGATED to be that girl. And friends? Forget about it. I am a walking contradiction. On one hand, with one friend, I want to be the cool-headed one who takes everything in stride. No, wait, this contradicts the part of my personality that is fixated on that message from that guy and the part of my personality that is mad that the girl who sits next to me in math got a point higher than me on the test. I want to be the one who gossips about drugs and sex. Hold on! That contradicts the part of my personality that wants to take the moral high ground, not for religious reasons, but for intellectual reasons, which arises from my need to be some smart savant. I want to be the one who giggles loudly and cracks high-volume jokes. No, no, no! That contradicts the part of my personality that wants to be the suave, sexy young woman who lets just enough cleavage show and says witty things in American history class that even make the teacher laugh in spite of himself. WHAT. THE. FUCK. It all arises from insecurity. I know that. I know that. I know that. I know I'm insecure, even though I try so desperately fucking goddamn SO SO HARD not to be. I know I am. I'm not as pretty as my one friend, I'm not as cute as my other friend, I'm not as sexy as the next. I'm not as smart as my one friend, I'm not as bad ass as my other friend, I'm not as funny as the next. Boys don't like me as much as they like my one friend. People don't like me as much as my other friend. Life doesn't treat me as well as the next. I'm so wrapped up in what I don't have, and I'm such a goddamn hypocrite, because I do exactly what I tell my best friend not to do - compare myself to other people. Because you're never going to measure up if you do that. You'll never going to be as good as everyone together. You're never going to be as pretty, smart, special, unique, rich, talented, whatever as the next. I know that, I know, that, I know that! But it's not enough to know. It's not enough. I have to take it all in. I have to accept that. And that's the hard part. It's much easier to say something failed because someone else was better suited for it, deserved it more, whatever. It's harder to say something failed because of your own shortcomings. But while I'm not as pretty as my one friend, I also have a nicer family. While I'm not as smart as my other, I also get more enjoyment out of life. While I'm not as unique as the next, I also have more self-respect. Perspective, perspective, perspective. I need perspective back in my life. I used to have perspective. I used to believe in myself. I used to have such big fantasies for myself. I used to have self-confidence, I used to have self-confidence, I used to have self-confidence. I just need to get that back. That's not easy. But no one, and nothing, else can do it but me, for me. No boy, no grade, no friend, no college, no material object can give me self-confidence. Only I can. A small exercise I learned when I was younger. It's a perspective activity, and it helps a lot. I suggest you (whoever "you" are) try it. You list ten things you don't like about yourself, and then fifteen things you do like about yourself. It can be physically, emotionally, personality-wise, etc. They can be sort of confessions, or they can be strictly statements about yourself. The idea is that ten of the fifteen things you DO like about yourself cancel out the ten things you DON'T, and you're still left with five. It's worth a shot, trust me. Things I Don't Like About Myself 1. I have an obsessive personality. I obsess over ridiculous shit that doesn't deserve my attention. 2. I have a weird pot belly that doesn't go away, even though I am fairly skinny for my height. I say I don't mind it and even think it's kind of cute, but I am lying through my teeth. 3. I'm awkward in social situations, and can't make conversation in new company, though you can't shut me up on a normal basis. 4. I'm a hypocrite in so many small, significant ways. 5. I bite my nails. It's a bad, angry, nervous, painfuly, ugly habit. 6. I talk bad about two of my friends behind their backs pretty badly. They really have no clue. 7. I want to leave for college and never look back and not even say thank you to the friends, people, and family who helped me get to that point. 8. Sometimes I honestly just don't take other people's feelings into consideration when I do/say things. 9. I get angry and frustrated easily, and I have a horrible, ugly temper that I hate to show people, because I know it would make them dislike me. 10. I get so goddamn jealous of people sometimes that I can barely stand to even think about them/their situations, even though I know they have no more a perfect life than I do. Things I Like About Myself 1. I have a big smile that makes other people smile. 2. People feel like they can talk to me and I won't judge them. They can tell me anything and I'll give them my full attention. I'm open-minded, I guess. 3. I throw myself into my passions. Politics, theatre, books, music - I know quite a bit about each, at least the aspects of each I find the most interesting. 4. My nose turns up at the end. I like it. 5. I'm intelligent in the aspect that I can learn something if I want to. I have some common reasoning skills that serve me well in school, as well. I can remember facts well. 6. My sister thinks I'm her hero. 7. I enjoy the small aspects of life, and the small aspects of life make me happy. Starting off the day with a pink sunrise makes the whole rest of my day good. 8. I'm a nice person in many regards. 9. I don't let other people's interests affect my own. They don't always coincide, but that's ok with me. 10. I have the ability to move on, for the most part. I can accept that I don't get everything. 11. I'm not spoiled. I have a job, I pay for my own gas, I realize I'm going to have to get a scholarship to go to college. I think that affects my view on the world in a positive way. 12. I'm an optimistic realist. 13. I have self-respect that arises not from any religious or outside reason, but just from myself. I don't need God or my mom to tell me to respect myself. 14. I'm a vegetarian. 15. If I have an opinion, I have a reason for it. As I dislike it when other people have empty opinions, I make sure I never do. I find it harder to say nice things about myself than to say bad things about myself, but I think that's a common occurence with people. I can't say doing that exercise made me feel any better, but it did make me think. I think I'm going to start being able to better put things in perspective and gain back my self-confidence. I think it's just important to remember that only you can make you feel good, and no one can make you feel bad unless you let them.

bsmnbcasjbefbcjhegfbvnFUCKK. I am the dumbest, no, seriously, I am so goddamn freaking DUMB. Ok. Saturday was good in part (see last post) because I met this really, really cute guy. Seriously. He was really freaking adorable, and he was actually into me? Like, he was flirting with me pretty hard and making physical contact and he asked for my number. We made plans with our friends to hang out today and he asked for my number and said he'd call me to see when we were coming for today. Ok. So he had this friend who was kind of a creepster? And it just worked out that some friends dropped and so some other friends of mine didn't want to go because I would be flirting with this guy and they'd be stuck with the creepster. But I reallyyy wanted to go! Because this guy actually seems interested! But I decided not to go, because it just would've been awkward. But check it - my phone was on silent, but he called me four times in my last period (his school gets out earlier than mine). And then he called when I was on my way home, and asked where I was. And I said that we couldn't make it and made up some bogus excuse. He actually sounded disappointed and said we should make plans for some other time, and I said ok. But oh my fucking god. Why did I not go today? I am so fucking stupid. I finally have a chance to hang out with a guy that might like me, and I chicken out. Why? I'll fucking tell you why. Because I'm too much of a wimp to think that a guy might actually be interested in me. I was like, "What will we talk about? What will he do? Do I look ok?" etc, etc. And then I was paranoid that he might think my friend was more attractive...god! I disgust myself. It's not thattt bad, though. I mean, I called him again and though he didn't pick up, I left a message asking him to hang out this Friday with some friends. I don't fucking care, I am not chickening out this time. And if my friends don't like it, they can suck it. I do enough for them, they can suck it up for me for like, three hours. Dammit.

Yesterday was just...amazing. It was seriously one of the best afternoons/nights of my life. But it was one of those things where...I don't want to write about it. I don't want to write it out, word for word, and have to struggle to find the proper noun, adjective, verb, to describe what happened. Because I'd like to think it was one of those things I'll never forget, never let slip from my memory. It wasn't particularly special, I didn't do anything extraordinary, really. I just know now I have an amazing group of friends, and we think of amazing things to do, and we randomly meet amazingly fun people in front of the giraffe enclosure at the zoo. And we drive around an insane amount, and we laugh, and talk, and have rap-offs, and flirt and take pictures that we say we'll keep forever. Hopefully we will. The end.

Tonight was pretty ok, better than I thought it was going to be. After school, my best friend and our other friend drove to my best friend's house [for sake of this post, to preserve my sanity, my best friend will be referred to as F (for female?) and other friend will be referred to as M (for...well, you know.] F's mom is a complete sweetheart, I love her to death. We hung out in F's room and just goofed off. M had never been to her house before, as we just made friends with him this year, and he just fucking loved her bed for some reason. He was rolling around in it and climbing under the covers. We snuggled for a bit (he's an Oscar Wilde type, though, if you catch my drift, so it was ok) and then my other friend called me. He had said he was going to a party and couldn't come to the zoo, but he said he was gonna ditch the party and come to the zoo instead. M went insane because he has a huge crush on this guy and was yelling things, which was kinda funny. F and M have the exact same laugh, it's kind of bizarre. Anyway, after that we went out to dinner, which was nice. It was pretty tasty. Then we went to the concert thing and so help me God if we didn’t get lost. M had no clue where he was going - we ended up at the beaches. We finally got to the place and of course it was full. We hung in the lobby for a while just goofing off then went outside, in the nice cool dark, and smoked a bit. F and I told him we had to go, but we stopped for a coffee and chitchatted. This guy I’ve liked for a long time and who I think likes me (he’s black, too, which is always a good thing, hmm? Hahah.) might be coming to the zoo. I think I’m just going to tell him I like him, because he kinda already knows, so it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. And who knows, he might return my ardor. That would be...swell, really, very swell... Sooo zoo tomorrow with a ton of my closest friends! I’m so fucking excited. And plus, I’m going to see hellogoodbye on Halloween! I’m so exciteddd. I’ve always wanted to see them. And, oh, one more thing - did anyone else watch the debate last night? Biden/Palin? It was pretty good, I’ll give her credit, she wasn’t horrible. But she kept repeating herself, and used too many "buzz" words like "maverick" and "straight talk". And if she said "Alaska" or "hockey mom" one more fucking time, I was gonna explode. I get it. You are the governor of Alaska, and also a "hockey mom", though you never spend time with your kids. And, PS, Alaska isn't really shit, ok? It's just that there's oil there. And so help me God...just because Russia is right across the ocean does NOT give you foreign experience. (End rant.) She seemed very nervous, as well - Biden seemed pretty composed and ready. I mean, I’m biased towards him, obviously, as I’m an avid Obama supporter and also happen to really dislike Palin, but I also believe Biden did a superb job. A win for him, if I were to say.

Mmmm. :] I definately got asked out on a kind-of date today? Hahah. It was really cute. Crush in history class and I were talking about our respective summer vacations, and he was telling me about the road trip he took. Apparently they stopped at this ridiculously huge hotel/resort thing outside of Vegas, which, among other things, included a 60-lane bowling alley. I said, "Oh, I love to bowl!" And he was like, "Yeah, I do too. I go a lot." And I said, "I haven't been in a while." So he kinda paused and said, "We should go bowling." (!) I was like, "Yeah, that'd be a lot of fun." And he was like, "Ok, I have to work tonight..." And I, like an idiot, told him I was busy tomorrow and Saturday, which sounds like I'm blowing him off. And he said, "Oh, ok, well, we'll go sometime else." But still! Yay! It was so adorable, just the thought of going bowling for a little date. Cute cute cute. But yeah, tomorrow I actually am busy. My friend's mom is randomly making him go to this choir concert thing, and he asked me and my best friend if we'd come with him. We didn't really want to, but he was like, "C'mon, c'mon, I'm gonna be really bored without you!" So we agreed. It starts at seven, so we'll probably get dinner beforehand or something. Then SATURDAY will be the shit. I'm going to the zoo! Which sounds random, but here's how it happened: I was talking to a friend of mine, and he said he'd be coming home this weekend (he's in college). I suggested we hang out and said, "Let's go to the zoo!" because I haven't been in a while. But then I didn't want it to be just the two of us, because he used to have a crush on me and...I don't know, it would've been awkward. So I invited people...who invited people...who invited people. So now there's just a huge group going. Including these two guys that hit on my best friend and me the other day when we were about town, because my other friend randomly knows them. So THAT should be a good time, hahah. So yeahhh. Not too shabby, eh?