Nah. It ended up being just like every other christmas. Except this time I feel dirtier. It's like I see those cards poor people send to "santa" wishing for a psp or a family dinner and it makes me feel like they are all so pristine clean, with their silly borrowed names and all... Maybe this is just the first time I noticed, but it's like I'm being covered in gold jewelry and expensive clothes and gadgets I don't even need, though I don't deserve a damn thing. It all makes me feel so dirty. I could've bought someone a gold ring by now, but I didn't - and yet - more stuff? It makes no sense for this to further depress me. My brothers did a better effort than me, as usual. Fuck. That's as far as my eloquence goes. I won't give up yet. One more year. I once thought all was decided, but this won't screw me that easily. I'll continue to punch at the rubber wall and I'll keep on running, until 2008 runs out or until I get there. Until I find some worth in myself, wherever the hell it may be. asdfasdfasdf guh I've got to stop sounding so emo about thissss...

This is an...Odd...Christmas...For me. First time I buy someone presents. First time I've had other people to think about other than myself. And over everything else...The first time I make a struggle inside my head instead of giving in to...Well. A lot of things that inhabit my head. I guess it hasn't been such a good year anyway. But it's been slightly less painful, and a lot more crowded. I'm so used to pushing everyone away, now they come to me and things become complicated. But it's a good thing. I'm changing and then again, I'm not. It's like trying to punch into a 5-foot-thick wall of rubber, trying to come out through the other side. I'm pushing my limits...What am I going to do when there's nothing else to push? When I find nothing heavier than heavy metal, nothing darker than black metal, nothing more decrepit than death metal, but myself? When I exceed everything around me...I'd rather not think about it. It's like scratching a blackboard, trying to find what is hidden behind it. I wish...And I wish too much. Perhaps that's why I'm so deep in. Deep in a bottle of vodka, if anything else. I wish too much. I have to stop wishing, but the reality is too far down and a lot less pleasant than cement. Not quite as soft, you see. Today I was shown that reality like a slap across the face. In the form of at least 15 prizes of academic achievement. They weren't mine...They were in the room across from me. So every room that contains something of the sort, every website, becomes the glaring face of Number One and Two, taunting me and looking down. But stopping myself for fear of pain. How far can I stop, how wide can my steps bring me backwards...Will I find my past? Will I become a child for the first time, as I should've been in the first place? No. Relentless time will only make me older, make me be further back, behind. But this is a different christmas. Something, tiny as it is, has changed. A slight shift, perhaps, but through it I thought I saw a speck of light. Whether it is a ray of hope or the lights of a train heading towards me, though, I don't know. We'll see, if I manage another year. It is my symbolic year, after all - year Eight. The year of doom or redemption.