today is the first day i didnt cry in the longest time i can remember i still thought about mellissa, but it was different i think what i wrote last night helped stop the bleeding i was able to focus, to remember the goal this is a life and i am only borrowing it for a time i am going to do my best to make it right matt is still mourning and the disconnect is so evident i am living, he is having such trouble breathing i cant tell if he wants me to help or keep my distance so once again i am like a strange bright cloud floating on the horizon there is a new boy and he also claims to care i am allowing him to take me into his life for now i am leaving in 10 days nothing in this town seems to matter he kissed me and i did not want it but i did not back away what i want is matt, the way we used to be but i cant have that and any sort of closeness is better than nothing this is me learning to settle sorry mom, sorry, god, sorry matt im so tired maybe ill do better tomorow

its been three days and i can't stop thinking about you this grief rolling like marbles in the cavity of my chest i know its so undeserved i didnt know you, not really i should't be allowed to cry jess can cry, ben can cry, nicole can cry and i should just sit here and watch our whole town mourn and say "the girl who died? no we weren't ever friends" but i cant its so hard you were so young and beautiful and loved i keep seeing your face in my head, smiling at the dance i never thought to pay closer attention after all,its not like when you meet someone you think to yourself "treasure this moment, just in case" I feel so grateful i had that one night i think thats whats making all the difference there was a memorial tonight that i didnt go to i thought about it all day and after reading your wall tonight i know i made the right call it would have just been so disgustingly blaringly wrong for me to walk wanting to hold matts hand and crying while your whole family was crying too i dont belong to the circle of people who truly loved you i did not plan a future that you were ever a part of my grief is so strange and impure i feel like its personal i dont deserve to cry, to diminish the tears of your sisters and friends i have asked myself many times if im actually mourning something else, but the answer is always no for once, this is not selfish i cry because i am sad you are gone and because my heart truly goes out to all those this has broken in some small way i want this to change me i want to remember feeling this sorry no one had a single unkind thing to say about you to me that's such an accomplishment i know if it were me inside that car, the hurt in this town would be so much smaller i want to be a better person you inspire me, just by leaving behind such a sacred presence i hope you are somewhere safe i hope jess and nicole keep writing on your wall and i hope that makes them feel like you're not completely gone rip mellissa stay beautiful

and i cant say i knew her well but she was a face i would recognize in the hallway i had sat a a table with her i had danced with her for a few hours, talked about boys and drinking stupid thing words passed to fill silence and now she's dead vanished gone a body left cold and broken she must have been in so much pain he said i dont even want to think about it i have never known anyone lost so young still in high school, still so sheltered and inexperienced its not fair even though we knew that before the words are stronger, more vibrant now its not fair i had no idea that i would care i didn't know her well but i could have and i think that's whats getting to me my heart just goes out to these real live people whose names and faces i know who must be absolutely devastated it is not my place to help but i still feel so shaken