its just a box, but you can get lost in there how many hours of my life have i wasted staring into a screen of make believe i feel so useless and empty when i am alone, unless i am creating every breath just feels to big, undeserved if all i do is sit on a couch, then why was i given a capable body i stare at other scripted lives and it always amazes me how easily they do it the way they blend each character connects to one another like the blades of grass in a field the origin of them all is just so obvious and they're always doing nobody ever just sits around there is always a dance or a party or a class and every scene is just five minutes long if i could disappear into a sitcom, i am not sure how long i would last it must be exhausting to be so unrealistically perfect probably even harder then just hanging out feeling invisible and the deepest connection is your butt and the couch if you ask me what i have been doing all summer i will say "working and hanging out" and this will pass as accurate but sometimes i get so caught up on the way we summerize time just gloss over the empty parts at clip it into little categories how could i have been alive for over 18 years and filled so little of that time with meaning? worse still, why is that ok? i dont get it im trapped in a world thats been wasted and nobdy seems to notice

there is this notion we are always meant to be comfortable pain, sickness, and distress are all dealt with as problems it is not acceptable to hurt we are always searching for a solution and this is not the first time i have thought this but a few days ago it occured to me like a revelation that i do not have to care about my life and it is my choice as to whether or not i even want happiness if you live your life as a ghost everyone else will sculpt you into what you should be you can convince someone you love them, that you will save them, that they can fall asleep inside you and inside feel only the emptiness of a shot off cannon the explosion is missing the effort has passed and lies become your only instinct make me, break me, they're one in the same im a lazy dancer when you move i move with you i felt so sick and i still lived i sat through hours without looking at numbers there were television shows involved i know that means im fading when i can still cry over a make believe life and hang up the phone without flying backwards boys will always want me girls will always use me we are all replacable that makes my non existence ok i am going to college in exactly a month even though it goes against the nihilistic attitude ive adopted, im going to write every day i want a document of my floating so one day if i decide i want to own my life again ill remember who i used to be before i left it and then i'm sure ill reconsider i am my own worst enemy i nothing me there is not space and words anymore i am just unthinkable

it wasn't horrible but it wasnt love when i shut down, when my whole chest cavity is colapsing i find someone elses words and i cling to them like a life vest it wasnt horrible but it wasnt love in my head, the whole ride home i say it eyes bleeding water, normal conversation buzzing im sorry,but i cant come to the door right now i am stuck inside a quotation i wish there was a way to make people see inside your head all i want is to undo the zipper and say here:take it all in notice the heartbreak notice the effort please make sure you really take a moment to absorb it through your skin i have a secret and ive already told you just for the record, i really did mean it when i said i would do anything to make you love me when i had you, even in minutes or hours i used to feel special i used to believe so hard in our forever we had a plan in words we had survived miles just to seperate again and now i dont know how to pick up the pieces when you yell at me, i can only tell myself it was never love its just too much blame to take otherwise i just cant conceptualize having the ability to viciously tear apart something so vulnerable i didnt do this to us you didnt do this to us so who then, who in this whole wide world is doing this to me? if i truly believed you would come back, i would cut you out of my life not answer phone calls or texts craft myself a playing field but the problem is i know how good you are at compartmentalizing the parts of you that cant live without me have already been crushed by the parts that can i am no longer necesary i remind you of being happy and that is devestating mostly because you have already come to terms with complacent and that is good enough for now i hope you delete this i dont want you to read it i want to fall out of your life until i can stay this halfway thing isnt working im floating between who i used to be and somebody i dont recognize i just wish you were here im sorry please let me fix this