Its finally over and it feels so great highschool four years of my life magically transfigured into a piece of paper all these people who have hurt me,loved me,left me i am moving somewhere past them i took e with ashley for the after grad and it was amazing we danced all night, sweating and smiling while the rest of our grade circled around and just watched when you know you're never going to see these people again its like really? who gives a fuck i made a complete idiot of myself and it was one of the best nights of my life i think i need to do that more often it didnt really hit me until just now, but it makes so much sense why i've held back from transforming in that school, i felt so suffocated by the perceptions its like i wasnt a real person anymore no matter how nice i was, nobody listened no matter how normally i dressed, nobody comented i was always the whore, the weird girl, the bitch labels like that from the kids who you basically grew up with over ride anything you might think you are for tonight, i no longer feel that expectation i feel new, and brave, and even special i know everybody graduates and its not really a big deal, but for me that was never the milestone the end of this year has always meant leaving starting over rebuilding somewhere new where no one knows my name the power to shape yourself into anything you want is incredible without them, i can be a "nice person" i can be a "good friend" new labels, with the letters all in cursive this time i have learned my lessons this time i will not fuck it up starting tomorow, complete transition i will switch sleep schedules i will go to the gym every morning i will eat healthy i will be friendly to everyone its so rare in life we get a chance like this to reinvent and i am fully aware of this moment insead of wishing, i am doing making my world brighter coloring my life with something amazing

when i feel like nothing, i always start writing i think its just a way fro me to prove that if i dig deep enough, scrape the residue off all the clogged pipes and vessels i will see there is still something left inside of me that isnt tarnished beyond repair lonely, lost, and empty three words in a row i do not know how to fill my time i do not know how to connect to other people sometimes ill wake up early and just lay there for anpther hour because even that feels more useful than just watching tv i want to switch to a dymnaxian sleep cycle, which is only 2 hours of sleep a day that means there are 22 hours i need to inhale there is a part of me that believes that if i just binge on floating time eventually my heart will crack enough to find something with meaning i want to want to be with other people i want to want to be good and kind and heroic because all i want is for everything to fade away i want to bleed out everything i have ever been taught there is no meaning, no purpose, no culture we are all masks of insignificance begging for others to care when faced with my own mortality, i wonder who will miss me see, it is not myself i care about it is only the fear i have made no impact on all thats left behind

spiral down and around i follow just tuck my head and roll when something bad happens i let myself tumble its easier than walking against the tide we get the news together and somehow it is blindsiding pain no matter how much you psych yourself up, you cant really predict it we cried and hugged, snot tears and kisses i won't became i can't we lied ourselves into pretending there wasnt always a choice they never advertise people who throw their lives away its all talk, no action the nonconformists all go to college we are a generation with enough filler to cover all the wars i watch tv for hours and hours i write nonsense i would go to the gym, but that not want feeling is devestating matt does not want to be here forever means until this gets old i love you is only a present tense i am shaking and smiling, breaking and putting on make up food sleep write always enough distractions i read someone's journal all the way through cutting cutting cutting sometimes i think the main reason ive never tried is because its just so cliche words i can handle blood is just to staining

I would like to start with a quote i still remember from a book I once read in middle school "In the course of a lifetime, what will it matter?" and if you think about it take all the events of your life combined into the tiny microscopic drop you are on this planet almost nothing is significant i am not saying this is something i live by I too am a failure at true nihilism I freak out over math tests I cry when people hurt my feelings I bruise as easily as any apple on a tree but every so often i have moments of clarity when i am incredibly conscious of the smallness of my existence its only an english project only a grade on a paper at a place i am leaving forever so i went into it ready to follow directions she drafted the script of a five minute highschool experience and i nodded my head "great" i said "this is totally absurd" even though in my head i knew it was ordinary, even though the part of me that still cared wanted to scream "you are totally missing the point!" there is keeping the peace and letting yourself be walked all over and i had yet to reach the breaking point of that difference i knew she hated me and the feeling was mutual for four years i had tolerated the ups and downs of a crazy manipulated depression-esque spiral and i was fully sick of it but in the way of most teenage girls, we put on our happy faces the cutting comments were said only to my friends and repeated later on "She thinks you're disgusting, lazy, ugly, stupid" and as much as i could not care or pretend to not care, eventually the combined force of all those little worded blades broke the skin and i felt enough was just enough one thing i have learned in growing up is that getting angry at other people for how they choose to live is a waste of time people don't change for four years i watched as my friends loved and hated each other all in the same rooms and places and for four years i was the voice of everything

I have absolutely no idea what i'm supposed to be doing there is this need, this craving to be productive work, it says give out all that newly minted effort we dont want it in here, clogging up the pores push it out create something meaningless but the stat project, the reason for this feeling, is now out of my control mia took over she did the whole damn thing and now all i have is a guilty conscious and a blood stream dripping with beaded orange motivation i want to help i swear i did but i guess its ok that i dont have to i dont mind, as long as its done right if we ace this, i am golden only three more days of school my god, im feeling magical i get afraid sometimes that nobody likes me i hear the whispers, the awkward moments i notice all that breezes over "We don't like her" simple as that best friends is just a label, like the sticker on a cereal box we all need someone to claim relationships are sticky just that word to throw around is enough how you feel, the way you treat other people when nobody is looking thats the shit we cant ungrasp i feel lucid now because i am writing words and drugs do that to me for a little while i am make believe special there is an airplane filled with 100 strangers in peru and a car filled with someone who has transcended any sort of label in your driveway they are both going to crash but you have the power to prevent one which do you choose? i would choose the airplane, but not because im a good person i only want people to think im a good person sometimes perception is the best motivation the prosepect of this summer is absolutely terrifying i have realized that time makes me unhappy i fill it with tv and sleep, the way you fill a cup with water pouring it all in, a running faucet in the kitchen its so so easy and thats what makes it difficult we are led to believe that life should not be simple so what do we do when it gets stagnant? we fuck it all up so here is what i have in my basket tonight: nothing i see the wicker bottome there is possibility for greatness i suppose but there is also possibility for sameness if i disappear will anyone notice? matt will, and thats comforting one person who cares about me wholy and truly so does that mean i should accept my fate? allow me to be saved? in theory, i could do nothing forever and even if i do melt away, i will have left someone behind to pick up the pieces and lie to everyone that i was special

Typing hands moving across a space faster faster punching in so fluid and mechanical skills have been taught to our body parts instead of to our being the feeling is not inward, only outward here is a gift, this is what i am getting i am no mooching, not begging, not borrowing or stealing just presenting wrapped up like a winter heart

picture this: a heartbeat, mid pump see the blood flow, see the fucking plasma the platelets. the white blood cells now zoom in, to the intangible inside that heart there are memories the veins, they practically throb with them inside that pulpy mess, that sticky goo there is love. there is hurt. there are starts of second chances refocus:you are a piece of dust on a ceiling fan a girl in the mirror studies a reflection its imperfect. you the dust sees this to you, this news is incredibly expected to the girl, it is somehow devastating there are words now, coming from her mouth you are not special. you are not needed. you are a wisp in a field of gold fabric and its true. you the dust feel that resonating more words now, coming from her heart "be assertive" "be proactive" "You are special" "You are a piece of work" memories, advice to you, there is no difference you are just dust they will blow you away and like the girl, you will be forgotten