i do believe there is a part inside of me that is somehow sick and twisted around what everybody thinks i am a mirror image a reflection an accidental eye contact i need to be needed loved despised the gym today, ghosts of the past if you havent, you shouldnt go to the places you used to thrive touch walls that dance with memories and light and recieve, remember all you are is still tinged with a hint of who you were i regress into my old bad habits logic is a game and i am losing notice me, look at me, look look look i am powerful, beautiful, brave and strong i have worked hard for this and gace it all away please aknowledge i am grasping for a piece people never change, not in a certain setting and so when i want attention, all i get is guilt im sorry matt, oh so sorry at first its just an idea, some words filling air and space i dont mean them, not yet i have a remote control fastforward button suprise suprise:this one too shall pass we made love or fucked, whichever works better backseat, sweaty, messy i liked it because it meant safety it meant i could return to the role of matts girlfriend i am slowly crossing out the letters im who i used to be following the rules again, because i so hate consequences speeding tickets and some bullshit excuses i do not want to live hypocritically if im still afraid, im still afraid i will stay for guitar i will sign out at school only a month, count down the days will the sun set in my corner tonight?

i don't know what to write about too much has happened since last time matt is home i got my closure it feels like summer i decided to dress normal prom was a disaster i feel so awkward and the cliffnotes version of my life is all i feel like giving

imagine waking in a room where everything is neat stacks of books. drawers of clothes folded and you get out of bed make it behind you tuck your warmth into the sheets and stare into mirror but you do not see your whole face there are rituals so many you are not sure how you remember them rules mental notes assignments and its time consuming almost obsessive compulsive except mostly, it makes sense you need this its so important to wake up this early otherwise, you will have to rush you will forget to keep your head down and someone at scool will look you in the eye and there will be something from last year that catches you off guard and for the rest of the day you will feel alone and afraid home is easy mostly, you are alone there is always somebody else's life to watch always somebody else's words to sing, somebody else's story to read you are unoriginal and that bothers you the streaming helps you not think about it everybody knows that AP tests are important studying is a must, especially for statistics there is adderall in your room, left over from a former fling and a girl who used to care you take one watch more tv while it kicks in, for the first hour, you feel fabulous weightless stat will be easy your boyfriend is coming home everything is finally falling into place you take out your notes, pages and pages hours really thats the best way to quantify it hours of your life being poured into these numbers, made up facts and people if Jamie studies for 12 hours and the mean amount of studying is 11 hours with a standard deviation of 3.5, what studying percentile is Jamie in? and the thing is, you know the answer you remember how to set up the sampling proportion and distribution you click on the right answer and it lights up but all you feel is a nagging disappointment that your brain has not found something better to cover such information up with you have a system you do online chapter tests 1-11 until it is time for dinner "come set the table", they yell, right in the middle of a problem it takes a while, but eventually you go you are angry for being interupted and it shows you try not to say much, but bits and pieces spill out six hours of your afternoon have gone into stat, but its still not done the adderall has worn off and all the little pieces of what used to be a person are starting to click inside you you realize you don't want to study you don't like what it makes you do you realize that you deserve to have that freedom as nice is it is to be safe and organized, sometimes its debilitating heartbreaking condensing to shut out every little want that pops into your head and then suddenly, they start exploding you want to watch tv you want to leave the dinner table you want to move away you want to start over you want to be more reckless you want an interesting experience you want absolution determinination.spirit.soul the sparks of desire ignite together and spin around your fog cloud wait its more than desire its an answer that question you kept asking, what was it again? what do you believe in? i believe what i choose for myself is important what do you mean by that? i believe that my time here can be wasted. and i am sick of wasting time thats not enough I know its not. I need more. so give it. take it. I believe that even though i am so small and invisible compared to the world, i need to create somethings that matter. I want to create. I am sick of only absorbing. I want to be a real person. I want to love things. I want to hurt things. I want to change things. so change. it's not that easy who said it had to be? nobady. It doesnt have to be. bravery is hard, even when it doesnt seem like much comparatively, you mean? yea. I know just believing that my time matters isnt the same as fighting a war, but for now it is my war. i can't keep writing about having nothing to write about. if there are no terribleawful things, then i'll make do with just action. i refuse to remain stagnant. i am no longer faded so when do you start making your life amazing? I don't know you don't know? no. I...I feel scared again. maybe i should study more. it's getting late You're better than this, you know. You don't need a mask I'm sorry Don't appologize but i'm sorry. i feel like I'm letting you down who? you but I am you. there's no glass in words oh...that's right.I forget you couldn't save me No. So why don't you try to save yourself? Okay. I can try. I'm sorry, but for now its really the best i can do